Travelling Mums

Laura81

Hello,

My partner and I are hoping to have children in the next 2 - 3 years. Whilst we have good salaries (we think) and no debts, it was clear that we can't afford childcare, even if we cut right back. The only way forward is for one of us to go part time, which allow us to cover all bills with some more manageable cut backs and only pay for 2 days of nursery (assumming that's possible).

However, this made me realise that of the two of us, it's only him that can go part time. I earn more and have more earning potential in the future. He's happy to take on this role, but I must admit I feel conflicted.

Firstly, all of our other friends and family have the mothers at home full time or part time. I don't know a woman with a child who works full time. I must admit my mum was the main earner in our house and it was fine having her at work, my grandad looked after us (Dad worked but earnt total peanuts), so I suspect it's what you are used to. However, my job has a lot of travel and whilst my mum worked, she was never, ever 'away'. At the moment I travel 3 - 4 times a year for about a week each time. there is no way my job would allow me to cut back on travel and the more I progress, the more travel there will be.

My worry is that I have no experience of mum's that travel for their jobs and wondered if anyone out there did? Does it effect your relationship with your child, do you get judged? I want to know what to expect from those who already do this, so I can determine for myself if I can handle it, as I have noone to ask in my own circle of friends and family. I've been putting a lot of effort into finding a job with no travel, but with the current climate it's pretty difficult and I'm wondering if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. My partner says it will be fine if I have to travel, but I want to be sure that if we do this, I'm going in with eyes wide open!

I'm probably counting my chickens, like I said, we're still thinking it will be a couple of years off, but we've done a financial plan and it's thrown up some of these questions for me!

Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I didn't mean it to be so long!

ellay864

I personally haven't been in this situation - althought I did work part-time I only rarely had travel. However, in the job I did several of my female colleagues did quite a bit of travelling while they had young kids. One of them was also the sort to work ridiculous hours a lot of the time and over-compensated by letting the kids stay up to see her when she got home etc. Result - 2 very spoilt, tired, brats who got everything materially thrown at them but never saw mum. Another I knew well (and I suspect several I knew less well) was sensible enough to balance her 'normal days'. Occasionally she took work home which she would do when the kids were in bed, rather than stay late at work each night. The kids were always kept in a similar, sensible routine and where possible her hubby was always around when she was away (occasionally he'd be late back too but they had good support of us close to her who knew the kids well and did the odd babysitting shift). The kids were always told from an early age that mummy had to go away just for a few days, they got phone calls from her and when they were old enough their dad used to sit on MSN messenger with them and talk to mummy online. The kids never batted an eyelid over it - she was always the one who felt worse. There's absolutely no reason that it should negatively affect your children in any long term sense. Yes they may have spells of being clingy - all kids do that and my eldest went through a spell of crying every time I dropped him at nursery - made me feel awful but he was fine as soon as I'd gone.
There will inevitably be some people who will judge you but as long as you know that you're doing the right things for the right reasons, and that your kids are growing up in a loving stable environment, the fact you go away a little is really nothing that you should worry about. The fact your partner is going to be there is great - it isn't all coming down to you. If you feel comfortable with the situation and with the support you'd have then go for it

gizmo111

I had a friend who travelled when her kids were young - they loved the time with their dad and it was just a way of life for them. She was very close to them and used to make the most of the time she wasn't working to be with them. It's whatever works for you and your family - kids will adapt to most things as long as they are clear on the arrangements.

Laura81

Thanks so much for your replies, they are really helpful. I think I'll still try to find a job with no travel, but I won't delay things if I'm not able to - the most important thing is that my partner and I can provide what they need - love, care, a home, food and clothing - no matter which one of us has to take which role.

No chance of my over compensating - I'm not really that type of person, I'd much rather give them my time and attention than [EMAIL="!!!!"]!!!![/EMAIL] they don't need. Also, I don't work late now (luckily working late is thought to suggest inefficiency here, and I'm very efficient!) so I definitely won't when I have kids.

Pee

Whatever you do as a mother, you are probably going to feel someone is judging you and someone probably will be. Fortunately there are as many ideas on the "best" way as there are people, so no reason at all that your way won't work.

One word of caution, as someone who is yet to have children and who will probably be the main breadwinner, I have considered this and have particularly noticed women who before giving birth had one approach and after giving birth changed their minds completely about what would work best for them and a certain amount of jealousy towards the other partner being at home with the child.

I have taken this on board and considered it and feel that it isn't something I am able to predict about myself.

pollyanna24

Pee wrote: »

Whatever you do as a mother, you are probably going to feel someone is judging you and someone probably will be. Fortunately there are as many ideas on the "best" way as there are people, so no reason at all that your way won't work.

One word of caution, as someone who is yet to have children and who will probably be the main breadwinner, I have considered this and have particularly noticed women who before giving birth had one approach and after giving birth changed their minds completely about what would work best for them and a certain amount of jealousy towards the other partner being at home with the child.

I have taken this on board and considered it and feel that it isn't something I am able to predict about myself.

I wasn't going to comment on this thread until I saw this bit.

I am a full time working mum and "the man that I live with" is a stay at home dad. We have a 20 month daughter. The fact that I had to go back to work full time when she was 8 months old was awful for me.

I wasn't going to comment as this was pretty much the only thing I have to say and it has nothing to do with travelling, but I just want to add that I have found it extremely difficult to go back to work afterwards.

My relationship with my bf has completely broken down (irrespective of the second part of my signature!) and I feel it was mainly down to post natal depression which I think was made worse by having to work. I resented my bf for a long time that he was the one at home and probably made him feel bad about doing what is natural for stay at home parents, i.e. going out and about having "fun."

I'm kinda over it now, still hate the fact that I work and he doesn't, but it really hasn't helped our relationship and I don't think it will ever be the same again.

Having said that, I'm probably crazy and the odd one out and am being selfish for wanting to be at home with little one while he works.

jacqhale

Hi,

Don't underestimate how you might feel about working full time. I love my son to bits and work nearly full time which I hate. I admit I want the best of both world's - a part time job and plenty of time with my boy but I feel pulled in all directions, never enough of me to give to the different parts of my life! I get the better deal than my husband though because I have one day a week for our 'Mummy and Ollie' days and he doesn't get any of that so actually if I am out for the night (very rarely!!) or travelling with work I think it's great for them to spend some time alone.

DS is very secure in our love for him, he has been in childcare since he was 6 months old and regularly spends time away from one or both of us so while I feel guilty I wonder if that's just social pressure (I'm the only Mum at his pre-school that works and my Mum gave up work as soon as she got pregnant and never went back) or if I should feel this bad!

This year DH and I have been to Dubai for a week and DS went to my parents, He has a had a week in Spain with his grandparents on his own and I have had 2 sets of 2 nights away with my job ..... maybe some would say that makes me a bad Mum but we make the most of the time we have together, we love each other to bits and he does get a little bit upset about me working but I explain how it means we can afford holidays and trips away in the caravan so he seems happy with that.

He waved me off to work this morning and picked me some flowers from the garden to take with me and when I pick him up tonight we will have lots of cuddles.

I have to say though I don't think I would like to work full time with my husband spending more time with him than me, I think I would be jealous and resentful but that's just me:o.

I hope whatever you choose it all works out for you and as long as your child is happy, healthy, safe and loved you are doing a good job.

brians_daughter

I travelled with my last job and i went back ft whilst oh went pt.. it was a mixed bag TBH.

For the first few times i creid my heart out leaving little one with their dad, but looking back i was crying for myself and the fact i was feeling sorry for myself lol.

I changed my mindset very quickly. I thought about the following facts
1. I go to work to ensure my family is secure
2. Baby is with ppl who love him
3. If i was happy in my job and could earn enough to allow oh go pt then we were very fortunate!

It was still hard, but coming home was more special, i started to relish and really apreciate the time i spent with the kids (even tho i was only away every 12 -14 weeks for maybe a week) It makes it so special as you dont take the situation for granted. I found that i did more with my kids than many of my SAHM friends, as i knew how it felt to not be there 24/7 for them. The kids felt the same, time with mummy wa special when she came back from work.

If you are happy in your job and fulfilled in it then there is no reason why you cant continue when you have kids.

DS1 ws only 12 weeks old when i went on my 1st trip, ds2 was 1o weeks but ds3 was almost 9 months old. We had 1 rule in place. OH did not tell me if they reached any milestones whilst i was away ( very remote chance as i was only away every 3-4 months) but if ever one of them did something new he never told me and when i came home i saw it for myself 1st hand without knowing they could do it!

If you find you cant handle the travel (do give it a few tries before you decide) if your employer values you they will bend over backwards to find you another role in the business if its possible! They would rather have you onboard doing something else than loose you from the business altogether

ETA at times i quite looked forward to going away with work...for a rest!! Especially when the terrible 2's and teething came along lol

pinkclouds

Yes, you'll be judged. But who cares what total strangers think? Making assumptions and judging people - clothes, kids, car, career, etc - is what everyone does, without even thinking about it. It's part of being human, I guess.

If you enjoy your job/career and feel happy to continue working/travelling, then I think you'll make it work. The only things I would like to point out are: formula milk and pregnancy/birth complications. I'm sure you realise you will have to wean early - but lots of moms do that and some use formula milk from day one anyway. And hopefully there is no history of pregnancy/birth complications in your family because *you* are the person who'll be pregnant/giving birth, not your partner. (Not that I'm expecting anything to go wrong for you!)

The possibility of changing your mind about your job/career after having kids has been mentioned above but that could equally happen if you planned on being a SAHM and then craved a career instead! So I wouldn't worry about that point (although it's good to bear it in mind).

louise3965

Yes I do, always have worked ft too. I work split between London and my home office basein the North. I've 2 kids age 10 and 18 and have done this job for 7 years. They know no different and are absolutely delightful kids so I cant have scarred them too much. Its more important to have a stable, loving family life and to choose the childcare wisely.

brians_daughter

pinkclouds wrote: »

The only things I would like to point out are: formula milk and pregnancy/birth complications. I'm sure you realise you will have to wean early - but lots of moms do that and some use formula milk from day one anyway. And hopefully there is no history of pregnancy/birth complications in your family because *you* are the person who'll be pregnant/giving birth, not your partner. (Not that I'm expecting anything to go wrong for you!)

Sorry, but WHY would op need to consider early weaning or not bf?

She has nowhere stated (unless i have missed it) how long she plans to take off for mat leave. She is (as far as i can read) asking about when she returns to work. I only point this out as the OP obviously has no kids and will be a 1st time Mum. She maybe wondering why she could not bf, or why she would need to wean early just because when she does return from mat leave she will travel on occassion?

ETA i bf with ds2 and expressed whilst i was away to keep the flow going and just expressed at home to freeze when needed..