Concerned Parent or fighting their battles for them?

mountainofdebt

An interesting situation has arisen in our household and I would like others' views on it.

Basically our son (17) wanted to follow a career in the armed services and there has been several problems with his application (imo) due to poor handling by the recruitrment officer. During this period I've advised him what he should be doing but have always left it to him to sort out (abet with abit of nagging )

Anyway it looks now like he's hit a major hurdle - and if I'm honest, I think it will be the end of the road for him - but the attitude I've encountered from the recruitment office is that I'm an interfering, pushy mum - so it got me wondering ......at what age do you stop / should you stop supporting your children ?

Hannah_10

If you already feel the recruitment officer isn't doing his job properly then why concern yourself with his opinion of you, it will be coloured by the fact you are pushing him and his authority. Recrutiment officers are men in whose world all but one or two of the other men say yes to everything and women are still largely in the way by thier very existance. Perhaps not a man to take parenting advice from.

DigitalJedi

Hard to say without knowing what the major hurdle is.

But in general I would say at 17 years old, if this is the career he always wanted then you should not have had to nag him or even speak to the recruitment officer on his behalf.

You gotta admit, it doesn't look good when the lad comes, can't sort his application out (from the officers point of view) and his mum has to come and fight his battles for him. You won't be there in Afghanistan or Iraq so if your son can't handle sorting out his application without your help, there must be concern whether or not he's the right sort to be sending to a warzone where people need to be able to stand firmly on their own feet.

princess

Hi, I'm sure you'd agree theres no age when you should stop supporting your children, but as they get older the skill is in enabling them to act themselves rather than you doing it for them I guess. I certainly wouldnt have any dealings with the recruitment office on his belhalf, but i'd happily be behind the scenes telling him how to take things forward if I thought he wasnt being treated properly. I might help him write a letter of compalint etc, but it would be signed by him, and he would be making all the phone calls or whatever else was needed. DS is 15 and would certainly kill me if I complained to his (part time) employer if things werent going right. It makes him look like a bit of a 'child' which I would think is just what isnt needed if he is thinking of joining the army

mountainofdebt

tbh I don't care what the recruitment officer thinks of me......i only phoned as I was primarily concerned how to advise my son as to his options....although as I said I think the major hurdle (which is of a medical nature) will be one that can't be overcome. In any event I do think his application has been poorly handled - if only adminisitratively wise, and this has been backed up with views from recruitment officers, unfortunately not connected with his application.

The point of my thread was at what age would you feel comfortable with sitting back and letting your children get on with it ?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

When it comes to joining the Forces, it's about now, definitely.

But you don't have to feel comfortable about it. Being uncomfortable is all part of being a parent to a teenager.

bestpud

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

When it comes to joining the Forces, it's about now, definitely.

But you don't have to feel comfortable about it. Being uncomfortable is all part of being a parent to a teenager.

Good point!

There isn't actually a time (with most anyway) when you suddenly feel it's right to step back. It's always a bit of a gamble and most of us do it on a wing and a prayer I think!

Jojo is right - it's not easy and the decision is often more about us than them in that respect iyswim?

pinkclouds

You never stop *supporting* your children but when they become adults you stop *speaking* for them.

I think this is somewhere between 16-21, depending on the individual/family. It is difficult to define the actual "age of majority" as you can enlist or get married before you can drink, smoke, drive or adopt.

poet123

To be fair, I am sure the army are well used to mums dealing with issues for their 17 year olds, you will not be unique in any way. The nature of the beast means that probably in that area, more than most, mums will be involved. So, if it feels right and he is happy, then do it.

In general, it is down to the individual of my kids two would not let me get involved after about the age of 16, and the other would still let me do it at 26 (from laziness!), the youngest is already showing sign of being like the other two and getting on with things himself. I think there does come a time though when you have to step back and see/think about how others view the "child" for your "interference" or involvment. It is not easy though.

Hermia

I think you should support your children, but only in the background. We take a lot of teenagers on where I work and being contacted by their parents is a massive no no. It has cost teenagers the chance of a job on many occasions for the following reasons:

1) We want to take on adults who can run their own life. If a parent keeps ringing us to sort out stuff or argue for them we assume the kid has no balls or is an idiot. If a kid cannot sort out their own life how can we ever trust them to do the job properly?

2) When parents interfere we start wondering whether the kid really wants the job or not. We have had mums constantly ringing us saying their kid wants to apply for the job, but when we have spoken to the kid it's obvious that they don't actually have any interest in it & are only applying because of family pressure.

3) We don't want to end up with a mother from hell situation. We have had a few mums getting their knickers in a twist and accusing us of discrimination because their child hasn't got the job or a promotion. We want to avoid any situations like that!

I think you need to stand back. I imagine the army are looking for men. If your son cannot sort this out himself he is not acting like man, but a little boy.

mrcow

I think it depends on the Mum - and on the son/daughter. Some are more independently minded than others. If it's his first ever job, then I wouldn't think that you are even remotely uncommon.

My mother wouldn't have dreamed of calling any potential employers on my behalf when I was say 20.

But she was still doing it for my brother at age 27.

At the end of the day, you are right not to care what the guy thinks. For all you know, he goes home at the end of the day to his mother ironing his socks for him.