Pre-birth money

empik

Dear all,

A difficult situation I find i'm now in.

I was in a very short relationship with someone earlier this year (weeks) which ended before it really even began. A few weeks after it ended I was told by my ex that (seemingly against all medical odds) she was pregnant with my child. Utter shock and devastation, but said I would stand by my responsibilities in as reasonable a way as possible, given that we were no longer together in a traditional relationship.

From this point the options I were given by her are as follows:

1. Be around (at her request) at any time to act as a supportive pseudo boyfriend to her and be of assistance as required, in return for access when our child is born. No availability = no access, no name on birth certificate, no future involvement. To gain these privileges would also require a period of moving in before after the birth, even though we are not together in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - 'just in case help was needed'.

2. Have no boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at all. This unfortunately means (again) no access, no name on birth certificate, no future involvement.

Essentially its an all or nothing situation without compromise.

I certainly don't want to continue the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - it ended for a good reason and I didn't want to go back there, and I can only be as supportive as my time allows (work full-time), but am not prepared to be press-ganged into something that at face value is very uncompromising, so chose the latter. Relations have since been very, very difficult. I am also concerned to have found out that she had a sexual relationship with someone before and immediately after our short relationship, but when she questioned him about this was informed that it 'couldn't possibly be his' because he 'has a low sperm count'.

I am also being asked now what arrangements I have in mind to support her financially, both NOW (6 months to go until the birth) and in the future.

Now, I have absolutely NO objection to pay for my child when it's born, assuming that it's mine of course, in line with government guidelines. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Is there any legal obligation to provide mandatory maintenance for 'equipment' and 'general expense' before the birth ? Is this blackmail? Our relationship has pretty much broken down and talking is not an option unless it's by text message from her making such demands about what i'm prepared to do, necessitating an immediate response which I can't give without first seeking some legal or other advice. After informing her tonight that I would need to seek some legal advice, I was informed that if I went down this road then she would (quote) "start acting much more unreasonably" than at present, and "would never forgive me" for any action I might take in case it damaged our child.

For the record she has other children from previous relationships (all of which have broken down in much the same way as ours did) and is herself WELL conversant with maintenance, free legal aid, family courts, family law, custody battles etc. over the years, so feel like I have very limited options about what to do, feel like i'm at a disadvantage and am in utter despair. I made a mistake, and I will be a responsible person in terms of providing for the child. But I can't be taken for a financial ride BEFORE the birth simply because she says so. Am I being unreasonable?

ANY helpful advice would be appreciated.

sp1987

At present, you have no child to provide for.

Morally (if the child is yours) you should contribute to things, but during her pregnancy she will qualify for a grant of £190 and she may (income dependant) qualify for a grant of £500.

As far as the CSA will be concerned, you do not yet have a child. Child benefits and tax credits don't start until the child exists.

Who is to say she has not told each male that they are the father, and is hoping for 3x money? You may be the best off financially so makes sense to have you 'move in' (and fund her).

Disgusting behaviour on her part. Poor child coming into this!

If I was you (and I'm a mother myself) I would tell her that due to the possibility of another fathering the child, you will be pleased to make favourable financial arrangements on the child being verified as yours by a DNA test. If she isn't up for proving it, it probably isn't yours.

DX2

Tell her to take a run and jump!

Do not part with any cash whatsoever, once the baby is born get a DNA, if after that the child is yours you make payments via the child support agency.

Everything she is suggesting is blackmail!

C_Mababejive

Take my advice...do nothing at this stage.

If she is convinced the child is yours,let her prove it.

Dont be a sap.

Keep your hand on your ha;penny and next time,make sure you use a condom.

[Deleted User]

Dont give her a penny. No baby as yet, no cost, though there may be some costs later IF the child is yours, easily proven with a DNA test.

Here is some information on Parental Rights http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

If she decides to leave you off the certificate and later wants money for the child and a DNA test says it's yours you can apply to the Courts for PR. http://www.csa.gov.uk/en/about/faq/disputed-parentage.asp So dont let her threats get to you.

clearingout

I think you have to distance yourself from this - turn your phone off and stop responding. You do have a moral obligation, in my opinion, to provide for a baby pre-birth but in this situation, you have no real idea if the baby is yours and I wouldn't be parting with cash prior to being sure. Simply tell her that you will support the baby as soon as he/she is proven to be yours. Tell her you will pay for the DNA test (cheaper if you go through the CSA but if you can leave the CSA out of it, so much the better in the long run the baby is yours). Back it up with a solicitor's letter saying the same and then ignore it all until the baby is born. She will fight, I'm sure, but if you don't rise to it, life will be easier for you both - she has other children so she already has some baby 'equipment' to be getting on with. I had baby no. 3 alone after my ex-husband left me pregnant - we had got rid of most things after baby no.2 - and I coped buying everything he needs, even if a lot of it is second hand. If the baby is yours, it's sad you're missing out on the pregnancy and probably early days but all the more reason to get legal representation and get the thing sorted out as soon as the baby is born so you can all move on with things. Good luck!

borders_dude

To be honest, if the odds are the child isnt yours do not contribute until you know it is.

But, what I would say is put a little money away incase it turns out to be yours because, if a case is opened with the csa down the line when it is born you will probably have arrears to pay going back from the date of the assessment being complete, which could be a while if going to get dna testing done and the date of the case being opened.

AnxiousMum

Can only echo what other posters above have said. She is blackmailing you - what a cow to mess around other people's lives in this way.

I too am a PWC - and am ashamed that other PWC's act in this way, it gives us all a bad name!

You do not know if the child is yours, so unfortunately, you are already missing out. Not only that, but you have a long six month wait before you can even start the process of finding out if the baby is yours. You know that she will go to CSA for child maintenance, and you have said that if the baby is in fact yours (could be the other guys as well, low sperm count still equals sperm count and it only takes one strong little one to get through!) - that you will support the child financially, but also want to be involved in the child's life.

Once the child is born, you might want to start socking away 15% of your salary so that when you get the dreaded 'arrears' letter from CSA after they have contacted you and made their calculations, you dont land yourself in a financial mess. You might in fact want to start putting this away now, to get used to budgeting for it so you find it easier and have it there as a back up if you have a short month later on. Once CSA contact you - you can dispute the parentage based on the fact that you're really not 100% sure if the child is yours or not - they will offer you a DNA test at that time. Accept that test, as if you do not, they will hold you liable anyway and assume you are the father as you did not contest it. If the child is in fact yours, they will then make an assessment, but you will also now have the evidence you need to apply to the courts for parental responsibility as in the link mentioned above.

It's refreshing to hear of a young man who is prepared to take not only financial responsibility, but wanting to be involved in his child's life as well - particularly given the circumstances that she is putting you in right now.

Also as said above - she has previous children - so she should still likely have the various bits and bobs that she had for them. Babies do not need everything new, and she will get by just fine ensuring that she has what is needed prior to birth. She will also qualify for the various grants available to ensure that she is eating properly and the £500 payment to help with the baby's needs when born.

Do not let her destroy your life. Do not make promises to her because you feel trapped in a corner - she's playing a sick game, and using an innocent baby as her weapon of choice. See if you can get to see a lawyer for a free half hour consultation - I'm sure they will reassure you of all the info you've been given above, but I certainly think it would be worth the cost of a letter from a solicitor to her to put her in her place until there is actually a legal requirement for you to be involved.

Good luck with it all, and I hope that, if the child is yours, that you do get to build a relationship with your child throughout their childhood - it can be a long hard battle, but worth every single moment that you are with them.

woody01

Call her bluff and do nothing.
By the sounds of it, this kid probably isn't even yours.

Wait until she contacts the CSA and dispute paternity. Once the DNA test is complete you will have a better picture.

empik

Thank you so much everybody for your encouraging thoughts on this difficult matter, it really is appreciated. I've never been in this situation before and just needed a bit of reassurance that it's not all about me being selfish. Perhaps there is a good chance it is mine, in which case I will provide financially from day 1, but until that time I don't see why I should be providing for things before the birth 'just because she says so' - it's just wrong for her to have that expectation just because I work in a good job.

We have absolutely no way of being on speaking terms now but I don't think I ever would want to anyway - there is just too much unpleasantness being directed at me on a daily basis, so perhaps best just to ignore until I've spoken with a solicitor. DNA test will be the sensible thing to do under any circumstances, but even this causes offence - she is adamant that the baby is mine and will in her own words start being much more unreasonable if I doubt her in this way - alll this because I won't hand over my life in the exact way she wants me to. It's also been suggested that I personally would be held responsible if she lost this child, regardless of the medical problems she has been previously diagnosed with - how can anyone reason with such people? It's impossible.

DX2

Omg how did you end up with such a lunatic? If a DNA offends her tough! Watch the Jezza Kyle show some morning and some women are 120% positive such and such is the father and it turns out he ain't. Don't be a mug just bide your time and get a DNA asap.

empik wrote: »

Thank you so much everybody for your encouraging thoughts on this difficult matter, it really is appreciated. I've never been in this situation before and just needed a bit of reassurance that it's not all about me being selfish. Perhaps there is a good chance it is mine, in which case I will provide financially from day 1, but until that time I don't see why I should be providing for things before the birth 'just because she says so' - it's just wrong for her to have that expectation just because I work in a good job.

We have absolutely no way of being on speaking terms now but I don't think I ever would want to anyway - there is just too much unpleasantness being directed at me on a daily basis, so perhaps best just to ignore until I've spoken with a solicitor. DNA test will be the sensible thing to do under any circumstances, but even this causes offence - she is adamant that the baby is mine and will in her own words start being much more unreasonable if I doubt her in this way - alll this because I won't hand over my life in the exact way she wants me to. It's also been suggested that I personally would be held responsible if she lost this child, regardless of the medical problems she has been previously diagnosed with - how can anyone reason with such people? It's impossible.