Please help me... EX is now dictating access to my daughter...

alys_fowler

i think you need to get it in writing the days/nights you have her through a solicitor would they do it, sorry not ever being in this situation not sure what to suggest. you could always try the CAB for advice. i wouldnt have thought she could stop you having your child and to me it sounds that all she is doing, she is doing out of spite i actually feel very sorry for your lo being stuck in the middle of it all

January20

I have to echo what has been said before. If you do not want your ex to change the access days and times, you will have to have the same discipline yourself and not change arrangements at the last minute.

You see your daughter a few hours a week. Your ex has her 24/7. She may not have a job outside the home, but looking after a toddler is a full-time job in itself! When my ex decided with my dd (she was old enough to make that decision) that she didn't need to go and visit every week, I was gutted. There was one night in the week where I could be responsibillity free, I could go out guilt free, without worrying about my dd and I was losing it.

As for your ex leaving the child with her aunty, it's really none of your business as she is safe there (presumably?) and it has no impact on your life. Not the same with your ex when you cancel seeing your daughter.

maggied_2

Hi again

I remember you from when you and your ex split.

I understand your feelings on mediation completely; my OH's ex is similar and it was never a sensible option. My OH did take her to court (you don't have to prove it's a last option) and got an order in place.

You changing your arrangements at the last minute has given her some ammunition and put her in a place of control.

I would put something in writing to her asking for the days you would like and then make very, very sure you can adhere to it.

I would not have turned up at the aunt's house - it is up to her mum to decide who looks after her during 'her' time (as it is yours during 'your' time).

It isn't the same once the relationship ends and because things are obviously fraught between you then you will have to be 100% responsible for your daughter when she is with you and not rely on your ex for things like school runs. I know it works for people in an amicable situation but not in one like yours sadly.

It does make it extremely difficult to be flexible when family occasions etc come up on either party's 'time'. However I think that putting something regular and scheduled in place now will benefit your daughter. If talking to the ex only results in arguments then if you have an arrangement that cannot change then you won't need to talk as much! Again, far from ideal but it might give you both the chance to calm down and move on.

In an ideal world you'd help each other out and be totally flexible - so if you had to work she would pick up the slack and vice versa. However I can see why this wouldn't work at the moment (honestly, I speak from experience).

Just focus on not giving her any ammunition whatsoever - you need to be whiter than white here. Pay your money on time, have your daughter exactly when you say you're going to - if you're going to be late / unavailable / whatever then ask a relative to help or pay for childcare. You want to be able to look your daughter in the eye when she's older and say you did everything necessary to make her happy.

ses6jwg

Hello all thanks for the advice.

I gave her around 5 days notice that I would not be able to have her on the normal days.

Also this was pretty much a one off, I have had her on my nights without fail for the last 6 months.

I have NEVER missed a Sunday. Sunday is our activity day. I take DD to the play park, or to the beach or whatever. This is why I feel it has purely been done out of spite rather than anything else.

I also told EX that I have booked 2 days before her birthday off work to take her on holiday (UK). She said at the time it was OK now she is saying I have never even asked.

She has already stopped me taking her abroad this year.

maggied_2

She is doing it out of spite but you need to be careful and not aggrevate the situation. I know she stopped you taking your daughter away, which is disgraceful. My OH's X did exactly the same to us last year - all she succeeded in doing was denying her DD a holiday because she couldn't bear to think she was enjoying herself with her dad and me. We just took along weekend together a few weeks later - who missed out there?

Have you posted on the child support forum? There are lots of people in the same position as you (or have been) who will be able to offer some advice. You could take her to court and it doesn't have to cost a fortune. You would get a contact order which sets out exactly when you would have your DD to stay.

Just keep your powder dry, pay the correct amount of maintenance (I notice you are doing it into her bank account - I hope you have a description on there - CM for *DD's name*), turn up when you're supposed to, don't make a scene in front of your daughter.

Have you tought about suggesting you have her on alternate weekends? That way X can still go out for a whole weekend if she wants.