Please help me... EX is now dictating access to my daughter...

ses6jwg

Hello all.

I have not been on here in a while.

Started a new job and moved into a new house and been very busy, but developments over the past 48 hours have left me feeling lonely, sad, dejected and wondering what to do next.

Basically, 6 months ago I split with my girlfriend of 4 years, and we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together.

The split was not acrimonious. I took it extremely hard and found the next 3 months so difficult even getting up and going to work everyday was like a new struggle.

There has been mud slinging both sides, and it came to point which we are still at where we cannot even look at each other any more.

Anyway, things improved and I moved on.

Even during the worst of it access to my daughter always seemed to work out.

I was still with my parents at the time and we worked out at first I would see her one night a week after work and then all day Sunday.

This arrangement worked for months, then I moved into my own place and it progressed to 1 night staying over, to 2 nights staying over each week and all day sunday.

My new job involves long hours, and at first I found 2 nights a week quite difficult as I work 8.30 to 6.30 and every other Saturday.

I recieved no help from the EX, although she does not work it was my job to pick daughter up after work each time AND drop her off at 8am the morning after.

I have been paying child benefit in line with CSA since the split, and have bank statements to prove, though I did not think she liked it when I gave her notice the payments would be reducing due to the extra nights she stays with me....

Anyway this week things have kicked off again. Basically I told her that I would not be able to have daughter overnight this week due to work commitments, though I would have her sunday as usual.

I have now recieved a text telling me that I will only be having her mondays and friday nights now, giving me about 6 hours of contact per week with my daughter.

I have had her every sunday without fail for 6 months. Why does she feel it is acceptable to break this routine?

I am now wondering where to go from here?

I've looked on the fathers rights pages etc but it is all so confusing.

People keep telling me about mediation but I honestly do not think it would go anywhere. It would be an hour of arguments and her storming out if she does not get what she wants.

I've read about court orders etc but you have to prove it is a last resort?

Really confused about where to go.

Before anyone says try talking to her, I have tried.

Until you meet this woman you will not know what she is like.

any help appreciated,

ses6jwg

Another thing I forgot to mention... she tried to stop me having her today.. but I basically turned up at her aunties house, where my daughter stays most weekends whilst her mum goes on a 48 hour bender, and said "Look she is my daughter I have her every Sunday I am taking her", to which they relented.

I am on the birth certificate and have PR.

She said if I did that again she would call the police ? Could I have been prosecuted for this ?

She is also trying to block me a holiday I have pre-booked off work.

sindygirl58

I have no experience to be of help to you, i just want to say I hope it works out and that you get some helpful replies soon.
It looks as if she is using you as a babysitter to suit her own needs. dont give up.

itsallinthemind

The standard tends to be say 18:00 Friday to 18:00 Sunday one week and midweek overnight the alternate week. This is perfect with you working alternate Saturdays. Write a letter stating that you would like to commence this contact plan from xx/xx/10 as you feel it is age appropriate from your daughter and the amount of hours she is used to, whilst allowing both parents to have free time. Send it recorded. If that does not work you may need mediation, if she storms out of mediation after refusing standard contact she will not look good in any courts eyes.

clearingout

you need to handle this very carefully or you'll find yourself with no access at all and the need to go to court. Keep suggesting mediation and go if she agrees. It's worth a try - a third party can help keep things calm and help both sides see what is reasonable and what isn't.

Otherwise, you are in court to formalise access and the sooner you do this, the better. the court process can be slow so you end up with no access for months if you let it drag on. Try the Families Need Fathers website for information and support.

Just an observation - you said: Basically I told her that I would not be able to have daughter overnight this week due to work commitments, though I would have her sunday as usual). Whilst I realise that work is important, changing things at the last minute (or seemingly at the last minute) is like a red rag to a bull with me - my ex does it to me all the time. He is currently on holiday for example, for the third time in a year without making any arrangements for someone to have the children when he would usually have them. As I am self -employed, I use the time he has the children to work (I don't have family near and I don't have a childminder or nursery) and he fails to see the impact (ie. doesn't care) his holidaying has on my income and then the knock on effect this has on the children (he doesnt pay maintenance and as he's self employed too, the CSA are having difficulty keeping up with him). Frankly, we are entitled to rely on our exs having the children at a regular time and I personally expect good notice of a change and for my ex to make arrangements if it is difficult for me to have the children in 'his' time. Just bear this in mind - if I want to go on a bender, I will, sure as hell isn't for my ex to judge me!

Molly41

Your ex has your daughter for the majority of the time. You seem to think its ok to chop and change without consulting her first. Just out of interest did you increase the maintenance for the night that you could not have your daughter? I mean you reduced it easily enough when you started having your DD on an extra night so did you increase it when you failed to keep to your end of the bargain?

Your DD is going to be the one that suffers in all of this. Dont use her as a bargaining tool.

mackemdave

Molly41 wrote: »

Your ex has your daughter for the majority of the time. You seem to think its ok to chop and change without consulting her first. Just out of interest did you increase the maintenance for the night that you could not have your daughter? I mean you reduced it easily enough when you started having your DD on an extra night so did you increase it when you failed to keep to your end of the bargain?

Your DD is going to be the one that suffers in all of this. Dont use her as a bargaining tool.

Talk about kicking a bloke when hes down....what about the 48hrs his daughter is staying with her aunt is the mother taking HER responsibilities serious????

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It must be so upsetting for you and confusing for your daughter. I don't know how best to handle this except to say that you've obviously been doing everything you can to be a good and responsible dad and you've been more than reasonable. You'll get good advice on this thread if you're prepared to sift through the inevitable dad bashing.

itsallinthemind

Molly41 wrote: »

You seem to think its ok to chop and change without consulting her first. Just out of interest did you increase the maintenance for the night that you could not have your daughter? I mean you reduced it easily enough when you started having your DD on an extra night so did you increase it when you failed to keep to your end of the bargain?

lol seriously!

As far as we know he stopped one night. Maybe he was under pressure to keep his boss happy in the current job climate, which if he loses, impacts the CSA?

I got my ex concert tickets this weekend for him and his new girlfriend to go to as a fathers day present from our children. It is when he would normally have them. I'm not worried about the CSA or fairness of me missing a night off or the children being with their dad, I will simply use it as credit for when I am ill or fancy a long weekend away!

OP really is trying to cut through arguing and get to how he is supposed to maintain contact without too much upset, now considering the amount of NRP's who do not pay CSA and never see their children, let's give him a break, I'm sure his ex explained in no uncertain terms why it was not on!

pigpen

I know you say it won't work but you HAVE to try mediation in order to PROVE you have tried all the available options.. If she chucks a wobbly and throws her dummy it will go in your favour surely? I have the added problem of my chidren being old enough to have a say and they do not want what their dad does.. then I look evil for saying they don't want this.. you can never win!!

You should seek legal advice and get something written and agreed which she cannot change on a whim. This will protect you and your rights and your little girl.

Maybe she reacted so badly because she had plans for the nights you would normally have your daughter but are unable to. I have had days booked thinking KH would have the children for him to turn up a couple of days before.. or even just text the same day saying he won't be having them as he has made other plans.. it is incredibly annoying!

I'd be considering very carefully the work commitments and weighing them against how much you want to see your daughter. If she lived with you for example you would have to find suitable childcare and just telling her mum she can't have her child free days because you have to work is asking for trouble. Could you have her different days to the ones you normally do just this one week? Offer to have her a few extra days whenever her mum wants you too.. it is about compromise and learning to work with one another..

You have to talk to one another sooner or later.. What about sports days? Parents evenings? birthdays? what will you do at her wedding? Or the baptisms of her children? Think about it rationally... you made her together and you have a lifelong link to one another you have to find a way and if having a referee while you talk/battle things through is the only way it is the path you will have to take. I cannot think of anything worse right now than being in a room with the childrens dad feeling like I am having to justify my reasons for everything after the way he has behaved but I am doing it for their sake because ultimately they are what matter most in all this.. what is best for them and their happiness.

When my oldest was about 3 he asked my mother why she didn't speak to my dad... this made my mother look like a fool in front of her 3 year old grandson.. whatever your feelings for each other you cannot project that onto your daughter.

duchy

I recieved no help from the EX, although she does not work it was my job to pick daughter up after work each time AND drop her off at 8am the morning after.I recieved no help from the EX, although she does not work it was my job to pick daughter up after work each time AND drop her off at 8am the morning after.

Erm.........why should she? I think this is the most telling part of the post. Your child's mother has a life too-if you are seeing the child it's YOUR responsibility to pick her up and drop her off . Your former partner may make arrangements for the times you have your child -it seems it was OK for you to decide at short notice to break your scheduled arrangement-but not for her to ? Perhaps she's making a point ? The reasons why they were broken aren't so important-by telling her work was more important than seeing your daughter (Yes I know it isn't the case but that's how it probably felt to her) the subtext was your needs were greater than hers.

This is why keeping lines of communication open are so important. My ex can be very tricky but we kept talking and it meant that although if I felt he was taking the mick with last moment changes or cancellations I'd say so-when it was truely unavoidable I knew the situation and could be more flexible. For example he broke his ankle and was unable to drive-so during that time I'd drive our son over an hour each way to see his Dad-round trip of 2.5 hours for me twice every weekend but if I felt he simply hadn't told me about a work commitment in plenty of time I'd be less helpful.