Planning to leave - what do I need to do?

AnnieH

Thanks for all your replies, guys. I know it's a really big shame but I tried talking tohis mum about it last year, but I really don't think anyone is going to get through to him. I can't live walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. But if he does see sense then there could be a way to save our marriage, but he has to see this for himself.

I have no family nearby, so I would be totally on my own. gotta go

Tom_Saunders

You were on here saying how great it was a few months ago. Make you mind up.

kittykate_2

AnnieH wrote:

I am not fleeing domestic violence. I went down that route with my girls' father. Yes, we're still "together" and I haven't spoken of my wishes to hubby, as he doesn't "do" talking.

So you're gonna up and leave without even talking to him about it. You're still "together" which means you are allowing him a false sense of security and stringing him along. If he isn't aware that there is a problem in your marriage, and you aren't willing to talk to him about it then that's not really fair on him. I appreciate that you are not happy (and believe me I do feel for you, my mum is in a similar situation but she has told my dad about it and they are trying to change things). If you at least try to talk to him he won't be as shocked when you do leave.

He has been suffering from depression for about a year and a half now and i realised today that it is a year ago this week that I took him down to the dr to try and help him. Hubby stopped taking his anti-depressants in January cos he felt better (duh!) but immediately became sullen and moody once again and refuses to go back for more. He won't talk to me and says we don't need counselling.

Depression is a psychological and a medical condition and a lot of people can get embarrassed about seeking help for it. Perhaps your husband does too. Maybe if you spoke to him and told him that he was so much better to get along with when he was on medication he might think about going back on it. He needs a lot of support and gentle encouragement. A lot of people think that depression is just feeling down, but there's a lot more to it and if you are mirroring how he is with you then you will just make him feel worse.

I can't ever try and talk to him cos either his kids are about, or he denys anythings wrong.

Like I said, people are embarrassed about psychological conditions and often deny them - in the hope that they will go away/sort themselves out.

I can't take any more. I've had enough. He moans that he has to do everything. By everything he means that he's the only one working, but I stay at home, looka fter his kids, make sure they're fed, clothed and clean. What more can I do?

By the sounds of it you aren't listening to him and he's not listening to you. You really do need to talk. Try to get him to talk to you. If not, why don't you write him a letter explaining how you feel?

Ask yourself whether you still love him or not. If he was on his medication would you be happy together?

If you are going to try to make a go then you have to sort things out. Try to encourage him back onto his medication, maybe he could take up some kind of sport (pretty good for depression), you need time apart (maybe you could work a little or get a hobby) and also time together away from the kids - remember how it was when it was just you two, discover each other again.

However, if you don't love him and are sure you want to leave then at least tell him now. Why wait til after christmas? That's just disgusting really, you can't string him along til then. If he is depressed then you can't drop a big bombshell like that on him, he might not be stable enough to accept it. Let him know how you feel and see what happens!

I do feel for you though, hun, and am thinking about you. I know how hard it is to cope with someone who is depressed. I also know how hard it is from the other side, which is why you need to talk to your OH.

Good luck

KKx

EthelBloggs

I was in a similar situation with my hubby.. he had depression and wouldn't maintain the treatment and in the end it was just like walking on eggshells.

I left 10 years ago with a few wet clothes I grabbed out of the washing machine and £10 in my pocket, with 2 kids under 5 and no clue where to go or what to do.

We made it.. and YOU will too *huggs*

MortgageMamma

Annie,

I can't believe I'm saying this publicly especially since I have a lot of clients on these boards, but, I'm going through exactly the same thing, except I get a good pasting once every couple of months when he's drunk.

My husband suffers from depression, low self esteem and has an alcohol problem, he is not an alcoholic it just when he drinks he really drinks, and after about 12 pints turns really nasty. He drinks about 3-4 nights a week. I think he does this because he is bored and has no interests whatsoever apart from whatever sport is on the tv.

He also has a gambling problem, and sneaks off to the bookies whenever he gets a chance thinking that I don't notice and he gambles online, horses, poker, dogs, you name it he'll bet on it. Last year he spent nearly 6k just online andthats without the sneaky trips to the bookies and giving his dad money to place bets for him.

He earns next to nothing (£14k) and spends his earnings irresponsibily. I work my backside off to bring in enough money to support his habits and the 3 kids we have. I am so worn down and tired when I've work 6 x 16 hour days you wouldnt believe it. and then he tells me I should make mor of an effort with my appearance and to lose weight and critisises my cooking and cleaning efforts.

He went on anti depressants but like your husband stopped them as soon as he started to feel better and no won't go back for more. He also smoked a lot of marajuana at the time but not recently.

In July he pulled a knife on me and slit open my fingers in a drunken rage and was arrested. I didnt want to take him back but would never have coped with the kids and the demands of my job at the same time and could not face being on benefits in a rented house.

I am in a catch 22 situation, and cannot leave because I live 40 miles from my hometown and have no-one, and I need him to help with the kids because my job is very demanding.

When hubby is actually happy we get on brilliantly, but a lot of people say he is the way he is because of me, because he feel's intimidated as I have a good job and have a lot of get up and go. Apparently his mother thinks if I stopped "nagging" him, and left him to do what he wanted he'd be ok (and I'd be bancrupt), so I'm told the way he is is my fault.

I'm hanging in here until after Christmas and if things haven't improved I'm getting out of it despite the financial consequences..

I know your situation is different because there is no violence - but believe me I know how living with someone like this can drain you and leave you a very low person yourself - your husband will know deep down there is something wrong, if he won't address it then there's nothing you can do.

You are doing right to plan your exit from the relationship over a couple of months, you would be foolish to do it on a knee jerk reaction. DO whatever it takes to look after you and the kids, and be careful who you talk to, friends can interfere a bit too much as times .

I bury my head in this site and give free advice to blot out the situation.

Good luck with it all, I didnt mean to hijack your thread I just wanted you to know there are people going through similar.

Kind regards
MM

chivers1977

I just wanted to say thanks to Mortgagemamma for being so frank.I am sure that it will help the OP knowing that she is not the only one going through it.......

dorry_2

hi, :wave:

annie----first, he may not be physically abusing u, but he is mentally abusing u, he has made your life that bad that u r unhappy and want to leave!

i think that black saturns advice is excellent and as i used to be a single parent and I am a trainned social worker, i would suggest that you register with any local housing associations/ council housing office in your area, if u aren't working u don't need a deposit or bond, u will be able to apply for a furniture grant. Therefore, i wouldn't get a job until u have settled in a flat or house, then u can claim wtc.

in the mean time, open another bank account and try and stash some money. i would also try and get some legal advice and ask what they could do, if things were to get messy!! my friend at uni, used to work in a women's refuge and she used to write a letter to the housing office and help the women get a new home, she would go shopping with them and help getting the new home sorted, for curtains etc!!


hope this helps,

love dorry x

dorry_2

hi mortagemamma, :wave:

i think your support to annie is great, it must take great strength to stay until christmas, but at the end of the day you have consider whats best for u all,

love dorry xxxxx

MortgageMamma

Hi Annie

I was just thinkin about you whilst I was bathing the kids. Have you thought of trying to stay in the house and getting HIM to leave? Its a brave thing to try and do, but, he's not violent towards you so its worth a try... perhaps you could approach it by suggesting a temporary seperation, and some time apart and see what he says...If that doesn't work obviously you will have to leave. Take the advice of Dorry and register with housing associations and the council, and if you can, Ebay all the stuff you don't use and keep the money stashed away in a paypal account which he doesnt know about (did you know you can get a paypal cash/debit card?) You could also try and see if you could get a bit of work from home (easier said than done I know) between now and the date that you move, avon, kleeneze, or something like that, I know virgin vie take on reps.

Another thing that not many people know about is that when you are in dire straits and you claim benefits of some kind is you can get an emergency loan from the DWP, which you could use for furniture - you would have to check this out with them. There are also local not for profit money lenders, that will assist with your finances, you can normally get info about them from citizens advice bureau.

Sorry your feeling at the end of your tether, these things do try us but you will come out of it a stronger person at the end

Kind regards

MM