Son wants to visit dad after 5 years..

TeetersOnHeels

Bit of background..
Split up with DS's dad when DS was 2, he's now 15. At the time ex was a SAHD, and was awarded residency. 8 years down the line ex phoned out of the blue to ask if I wanted DS full time. Ex then emigrated to Oz with his wife. Since then DS has not had a birthday card/xmas card, although more recently he is in contact with him on Facebook.
Yesterday a friend phoned to say her DS had said my DS was talking about visiting his dad in Oz. Apparently DS and another friend have been on about going (DS's other friend's mum is still in touch with my ex, and she's said she'll pay for her DS to go)
Taking away any personal opinions of my ex, I cannot afford to fund a trip to Oz, and also DS is due to start his last year at school in Sept - so really don't want him taking any time off school.
Just really after a bit of advice on how to react when DS broaches the subject - have previous for opening my mouth before engaging brain!! :cool:

peachyprice

I don't think you can stop him from visiting his dad if that is what he wants to do, but if I were you I would do a deal with the timing.

As he's in year 10 he's got a pretty busy 12 months ahead, I would suggest waiting until he's finished his GCSE's next year then he will be able to visit for a good few months, he will have something to aim for after his exams and it would give you time to save for the trip.

To go this year I think would be very disruptive and could have a negative effect on his GCSE's.

onlyroz

Agree with Peachy - unless you've got enough money and time to organise a trip for *this* summer holidays, I'd suggest that you agree to a visit next summer, and perhaps agree that he contributes something towards the cost. It would be something for him to work towards and look forward to as a treat after the end of his exams.

neneromanova

Tell him if he gets good grades on his GCSE's then you will pay. Specify what these grades are before hand. Or say for every A he gets he can have £X amount, B's £X amount. etc. ALso ask him what his father has said about im visiting him and see if he will go halves on the price to get him there/

ecgirl07

Contact between a son and his father is important so dont stand in the way. Sit down with him and make an economic plan to finance the trip. Have him research the cost of flights and spending money then come up with a plan to finance it.

Your son is 15 so if he is serious he could get a part time job to help fund the trip? Can he wash neighbourhood cars, cut grass, tidy gardens, wash windows for the summer saving as he goes? can he do a carboot sale with old toys etc? While this wont cover the costs of the flights it will give him the idea the big things in life need worked and saved for and might spark an entrepreneurial streak in him and who knows where that could end

Is his father in a position to help fund the trip?

onlyroz

neneromanova wrote: »

Tell him if he gets good grades on his GCSE's then you will pay.

That's all fine, but GCSE results don't come out until the middle of August...

neneromanova

onlyroz wrote: »

That's all fine, but GCSE results don't come out until the middle of August...

Yes but then it gives him the chance after the exams to get a job, save up and go end of august. He'll have left school by then so he can do what he likes then

onlyroz

neneromanova wrote: »

Yes but then it gives him the chance after the exams to get a job, save up and go end of august. He'll have left school by then so he can do what he likes then

Depends if he's got plans to go to college afterwards
Anyway, it would be cheaper to go at the end of June - out of the "official" July-August summer holiday season, but after the exams have ended.

TeetersOnHeels

Thanks for the replies...
Up until now DS was set on joining the RAF, and going to the recruiting office with his prospective grades next Easter..so really we'd be looking at the time when his exams finish, sort of this time next year.
Regards paying for the trip, I think his dad should be paying for it. He chose to emigrate, has a really good job, but does not feel the need to financially support his son. I'm happy to provide the spending money.

Pee

You can say that you can't afford it. That is perfectly acceptable, if as it sounds like it is true. Your son then needs to save for it himself or get his father to pay or some combination, but you then lose a lot of control over timing etc.

susan6780

hiya,

fogive me if i speak out of turn,i tend to have foot in mouth syndrome,my father left when i was little,and in my head he turned into a 'God',the best advice i can give is to encourage the relationship between the son and his dad,and to try not to portray dad in any negative light,even,"he doesnt support you financially" because it will just make the image of his dad even more irreravant.

think back to all the friends your mum didnt like,weren't they just the best? and all the friends your mum loved were just boring? whatever you decide,sit down with your kid and talk it through with him,over pizza,tell him how much you love him and want his respect and to talk freely without getting into a slanging match,it is hard and i am dreading the day when it happens to me,then i shall be expecting you to give me my own advise
good luck and remember we are here to cheerlead you xx