NOTICE TO NEWCOMERS - Part 7 !!!!!!!

Tixy

Evening All

and goodnight all

and PS yes a border or something to mark it out would be good, in truth we all rarely read it but we want to make sure newcomers (and trolls!) do.

solventsoon

3Dogs wrote: »

Is it safe to come out and play yet??

Is all the gobbledegook finished?

Are we talking in English again?

Yes? ah good - I got a bit scared for a moment or two with all that techie stuff - nice and warm and safe feeling now

Thread is back to normal folks :j :j

Edit: O.K. Screen resolutions I can cope with - just checked and mine is set at recommended 1366 x 768 on widescreen laptop - is this OK - I don't seem to have any problems viewing the image

carol01 wrote: »

i have an on/off button and i can see everything so mine works

handyman123 wrote: »

Handy is only just getting to grips with spell checker, I still prefer Tipex, but it makes a mess of my screen:rotfl:

Cheers to all, handy

I thought I'd turned left instead of right when entering the forum tonight and ended up on the tecchie board:eek::eek::eek:

Glad I'm not the only one who hasn't got a clue what's going on:rotfl::rotfl:

Handy, I love the picture of you with the Tippex bottle, it's made my day. And I've got an on/off button as well Carol:j

I'm sure we've confused the trolls tonight so with a bit of luck they'll leave us alone;)

handyman123_2

Well finally Handy is getting round to telling you the next part of the George the Murderer story, Now George has never murdered anything, apart from a few songs.

We were sent on exercise to Germany as part of a NATO force. Our Engineer Squadron ended up in Berlin, partly to make improvements to the Barracks and partly to re-enforce the guard on our section of the Berlin wall ( Why we should need to guard it I don’t know? No one would want to nick it!).

On Day one the Reverend Boon fell down a trap door on the top of one of the observation towers and broke his leg, much to the amusement of the East Germans on the other side, who were watching us, watching them, watching us!

It wasn’t all work the Barracks had a good bar and on the second evening George approached Maggot, “Maggot he said I’ve bought this local magazine” Well it wasn’t the Beano or Bunty, more like the [STRIKE]T1Ts[/STRIKE] and[STRIKE]Bumps[/STRIKE] monthly.

“I’ve been wondering how a chap would go about establishing relations with the locals, with a view to obtaining some of the services like this” he said showing Maggot a very explicit picture of a French bingo number.

It was at this point it became clear to the assembled usual suspects that young George was what might be termed “Virgo Intactus” .Well said Maggot “ It helps if you have a partner, preferably female”. “How would I ask for something like this?” said George. “I would ask for Ducken Mi Skull Bitte” said Maggot coming out with something that sounded plausible, but utter Maggot rubbish.

Next evening we got a few hours out on the town, George after a couple of Lowenbrow’s excelled him self by stopping members of the public, both male and female and asking “Ducken Mi Skull please!” To which the response was Dumkoff Britischer.

Maggot resolved drastic action had to be taken or George would get him self killed or even worse anyone with him.
With our party we had a rather nice 2nd Lieutenant called Kate. Now Kate was fluent in German and had rather taken a shine to young George.

Maggot outlined his plan to her, “We need to get George Neutered” he said “you can speak German, write on this beer matt an instruction to a taxi driver to take us to a house of ill repute”. Kate scribbled something down and then with Maggot in the lead, George, the Reverend Boon on Army issue Tiny Tim Wooden Crutches and ankle to thigh pot, and myself following on we made for the Taxi rank outside the main gates.

The first Taxi in the rank was an ancient Mercedes, George got place of honour as front passenger.
The Reverend complete with crutches, Maggot and myself got in the back. The beer matt was handed to the driver, who gave us a look of total bewilderment and then pulled out a high speed into the traffic. We expected to be taken to the Reaperbahn (Berlin’s Soho). But instead we headed in the opposite direction. Now at the time the exchange rate was @ 5 Marks to the pound, but when the Taxi meter began to read 100 Marks we began to become concerned.

All of a sudden the Taxi turned down a side road and we found ourselves near the gates to Berlin Zoo. A large sign declared that this was the way to the Lion enclosure (Das Lowe Hause). The Drivers body language seemed to say “you’re here”.

Noo Noo Nooo we don’t want to be here said Maggot “we want women” at the same time Maggot was trying to describe the outline of the female form with his hands, but sandwiched in the middle between the Reverend, his crutches and handyman, he couldn’t quite get his arms to work properly.

The Driver looked bewildered, “You vant to go Scvimming?” he asked.
“Nien Nien Nien” said Maggot, this time placing his left hand in the crook of his right arm, making a fist and shaking it up and down in the international sign for Nookie while pulling a face like Les Dawson. “You Vant to go Boxing?” asked the Driver.

It was at this stage the Reverend took over, “Nien, Fumzig Mark Jig a Jig” he said. “Ja” said the driver “you want das country club”. I could never figure out how the Reverend knew such things, him being a man of the cloth and such.

So it was of again, this time to an upmarket leafy suburb not more than half a mile from where we started our adventure. A long drive led to a large country house, the front door led into a massive hall, with cherubs, chandeliers and a large winding staircase. We were met in the hall by the Madame, who was wearing not a negligee but a negligible, and the best that the German equivalent of Ann Summers had to offer.

“Das is Da Yung Frow” (this is the young girl) said Maggot pointing to George. The Madame who spoke quite good English said she would take care of George personally. Off up the large stairs she went leading George by the hand.

Handy spotted a bar in one of the side rooms, “beer time” I said, It
was soon apparent that at £10.00 per bottle we wouldn’t be getting drunk. “I hope we don’t need to many of these” I said my Scottish side coming out. “Shouldn’t be more than a few minutes” said Maggot.
　
　
The Reverend looking around said “ This reminds me of my days of a curate, ministering to the needs of fallen women in some of the less salubrious hostelry’s around Ipswitch Docks, especially on Thursday and Friday nights. 4 beers each and George hadn’t returned.

We were just starting the 5th when we heard George and the Madame talking as they came down the steps.
“Look” said Maggot, “he’s got the walk of a Maaaan“, “Looks to me like he’s limping” I said. “His facial twitch has gone” said the Reverend.
George came into the bar with the Madame still on his arm, “I insist you have a drink with me my dear”, “Champagne to celebrate” said the Madame. “Don’t” said Maggot whispering so loudly in Georges ear that the whole bar could hear.

When the drinks were served George turned to the Madame and said, “what do you do for a living, when your not doing this”. “Silly Boogars like you” said Maggot grabbing George by the collar and frogmarching him towards the door. We all agreed later that retreat was the best form of defence at this point in time.

Next day Maggots for call was to see Kate in the Squadron office, “Just what did you write on the beer matt?” “Haven’t you worked it out?” she said, “I just put we want a big P***y, take me to the best Cat house in Berlin”.

handyman123_2

Well it's gone quite, looks like handy's probrably gone to far with this one, sos folks. see you all in the morning.

Cheers to all, handy.

never-in-doubt

handyman123 wrote: »

Well it's gone quite, looks like handy's probrably gone to far with this one, sos folks. see you all in the morning.

Cheers to all, handy.

Brilliant mate - haha, you're nuts (but funny)!

Have a good un, catch up [STRIKE]tomorrow[/STRIKE] later today even :rotfl:

3Dogs

handyman123 wrote: »

Well it's gone quite, looks like handy's probrably gone to far with this one, sos folks. see you all in the morning.

Cheers to all, handy.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:you're on form Handy :T

solventsoon

handyman123 wrote: »

Well it's gone quite, looks like handy's probrably gone to far with this one, sos folks. see you all in the morning.

Cheers to all, handy.

Sorry Handy, was busy elsewhere.

You're on form as normal - brilliant :rotfl::rotfl:

See you tomorrow

never-in-doubt

Seems the nightowls are out to play!! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Shame there is no spam/trolls for us to play with thought!!

3Dogs

NSD all done then Spoon?

I'm off to my bed now - see you in the morning

solventsoon

I could just eat a troll now, niddy:rotfl::rotfl: Or a spam sandwich:rotfl::rotfl:

Yep, all updated now, 3Dogs, record number of NSDs today, methinks.

'night to both of you, see you tomorrow