Sensitive family issue.

MissTingle

(This is an anonymous post using a friend's account)

Hi all, and thanks for reading in advance.

Here is my background:

I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who made my life, and more importantly my mother's life hell. This gave me the motivation to do well at school and go to university and get away from home (and sadly leaving my mum to suffer the abuse alone - this may sound incredibly selfish but i feel i would not have lasted any longer living at home).

In my second year of university I lost my mum to heart disease (I feel that the stress from her living situation and her debt had a big contribution to this!) This was the worst time of my life and i would go back to living in that house if it meant i could have my mum back.

My father continues to drink, but seems to have lost the aggressiveness he had, and seems sorry for his actions. But will not stop drinking, despite the help I have offered.

He is now a poorly man, and I feel he needs extra help as he is in and out of hospital having falls (he has the body of a frail 80 year old due to not taking care of himself since the death of my mother). I cannot have my dad come live with me....I fought so hard to get rid of that life and worry that i'll become trapped by him again.

My question is: Are there any other options? I don't want the tax payer to fund what is essentially my responsibility but are there any extra help for paying towards care homes? i can afford to contribute some but not the whole cost of care homes.

This post may seem heartless but having my father in my life is not an option, i do not love him but only feel obligated to make sure he has food/money etc whenever I go back to my hometown.

Thanks.

Person_one

If I were you, I wouldn't feel obligated at all. He didn't care for you when he was supposed to, I don't think you should feel guilty about letting him reap the rewards now. If you cut him loose the state won't let him starve to death and as a taxpayer I personally don't mind picking up the bill on this one to free you. x

Minxy_Bella

Person_one wrote: »

If I were you, I wouldn't feel obligated at all. He didn't care for you when he was supposed to, I don't think you should feel guilty about letting him reap the rewards now. If you cut him loose the state won't let him starve to death and as a taxpayer I personally don't mind picking up the bill on this one to free you. x

I agree.

I'd wash my hands completely of this person. In fact, I haven't seen my father for twenty years (not including the twenty years before that when he wanted nothing to do with me) as he's not good for my mental health.

I made a vow that he would never see the faces of my children and I can't see that ever changing, no matter how frail or ill he gets. He's dead to me already because he wasn't a father to me when I was small (or grown).

Cut the ties, OP - you've nothing to feel responsible for.

xxx

Mankysteve

MissTingle wrote: »

I don't want the tax payer to fund what is essentially my responsibility

Thanks.

Did your father have a job and pay national tax, have you payed national insurance. Thats what you pay it for too look after people when they get sick.

You personal don't owe your father anything.

C_Mababejive

The answer, Miss Tingle..is simply do nothing.

He is an adult, get on with your own life and do not feel guilty for it.

an1179

I agree with all the above. Don't feel guilty or obliged to do anything.

ailuro2

So he's less aggressive now when you see him. He should have tried changing a few years ago if he worried you wouldn't look after him when he was frail from what he'd done to himself.

He put you and your mother through hell. Now is his time to reap what he sowed.

Let social services look after him now, you have no requirement to put yourself back in that situation.

Nothing stopping you going to visit him wherever he lands up, is there?

It realise it all sounds a bit cold, but as others have said - he didn't look after you when you were a kid, and it sounds like he pushed your mother into an early grave. It would take a much more forgiving person than me to take him in and change his soiled bedclothes I'm afraid.

Best wishes, hope you do fantastically well in your life and make your mother proud wherever she's looking down on your from.:)

Zazen999

Think of all the tax he paid into the system with his beer money. That alone should help the state to pay for his care.

He was that person when he was a grown adult; he made the choices he made with a man's head on his shoulders. You are only reacting to the choices that he made. It sounds like your choices were good ones.

xmaslolly76

Miss tingle i agree with everyone else he is not your responcibility. Yes he is your father but to be honest in situations like this im afraid the blood is thicker than water thing goes out the window. my real mother is an alcoholic and is slowly killing herself she is in her fifties but looks about 80 i have nothing to do with her and neither do any of her other kids she will no doubt die a very lonely and sad individual which is all of her own making. This is going to sounds awful but i do wish sometimes the booze would just take her so she may be able to find some peace for herslf at last no one knows why she is the way she is but she seems so tormented by things that she cannot change and wont move on or accept that she has a problem. When someone is like that you cannot help them no matter how hard you try.

Enjoy your life you have done so well and deserve to be happy and im sure your mother would be very proud of you :-)

Errata

My father continues to drink, but seems to have lost the aggressiveness he had, and seems sorry for his actions. But will not stop drinking, despite the help I have offered.

There will be help available to him to help him stop drinking. If he chooses not to accept it he's sending out a clear message that he will not change. Until he makes an effort to change his behaviour and possibly improve his health status there is absolutely nothing you can do. Leave it to the professionals, he's trashing his life - don't let him continue to trash yours.

Lara44

Person_one is absolutely spot on. He is an adult and will be taken care of by the taxpayer, and you have absolutely no responsibility towards him.

It sounds like your still feel partly responsible for your Mum's death. Please don't - it was not your fault. Your Mum was also an adult and made the choice to remain with your father. You did so well to make a good life for yourself, so don't feel guilty. I am sure your Mum was very happy thinking of you prospering and growing at university, rather than having the problems she had.