Is your relationship abusive, something that may help you decide...

Sarsie

In the book Getting Free: You can end abuse and take back your life, Ginny NiCarthy gives some guidelines for recognising abusive relationships. Has your partner done any of the following...

(Please note, Getting free is a book aimed at hetrosexual women but abuse can happen in any combination of partners regardless of gender so please mentally subsitute as neccesary.)

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• pushed or shoved you
• held you to keep you from leaving, or locked you out of the house
• slapped, bit, kicked or choked you
• hit or punched you
• thrown objects at you
• abandoned you in dangerous places
• refused to help when you were sick, injured, or pregnant
• subjected you to reckless driving or kept you from driving
• raped you
• threatened or hurt you with a weapon

SEXUAL ABUSE

• made demeaning remarks about women
• treated women as sex objects
• been jealously angry
• insisted you dressed in a more sexual way than you wanted
• minimised the importance of your feelings about sex
• criticized you sexually
• insisted on unwanted touching
• withheld sex and affection
• called you names like "wh*re" or "frigid"
• forced you to strip when you didn't want to
• publicly shown interest in other women
• had affairs with other women after agreeing to monogamy
• forced sex
• forced particular unwanted sex acts
• forced sex after beating
• committed sadistic sexual acts

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• ignored your feelings
• ridiculed or insulted women as a group
• insulted your valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage, or class
• withheld approval or affection as a punishment
• criticised you, called you names, shouted at you
• insulted your family or friends
• humiliated you
• refused to socialise with you
• kept you from working, controled your money, made all decisions
• refused to work or share money
• taken car keys or money away
• regularly threatened to leave you or told you to leave
• threatened to hurt you or your family
• punished the children when he (or she) was angry at you
• threatened to kidnap the children if you left him
• abused pets to hurt you
• manipulated you with lies and contradictions

Although some items are clearly more dangerous than others, almost all of them are potentially dangerous, and all show a lack of respect and an effort to intimidate and control you. One problem with accepting a certain level of abuse is that there's a tendency for the abusive person to interpret it as permission to escalate the assaults into more dangerous and frequent acts. You're the only one who can decide how much is too much and what you're ready to do about it, but it's important to recognise what's being done to you and to know that you don't have to take it.

(In case you've seen this this posted elsewhere, don't worry- I am the original poster from there too and it's not word for word identical so it's all within the rules. PM me if you have any further queries regarding that please.)

dmg24

Whilst some of the above list are definite indicators of abuse, some are very much open to interpretation, especially on the sexual abuse indicators. Going by the list, I am being abused at present. I am most definitely not!

It is all too easy to suggest or assume abuse. The reality is that every relationship is different, and abuse (or not) is very much down to the perception of the individuals involved.

NJW69

I have to say that the range of behaviours within each of these categories is so wide that it discredits the original intention.

I would be surprised if there were many long term relationships where a partner had 'never' criticised or been jealous or refused to be affectionate particularly if you've just had a row.

To put these in the same groups as threatening to kidnap your children, rape you or commit sadistic sexual acts on you may stop people listening to the underlying intention.

Sarsie

The above criticism is valid certainly, for example a partner withholding sex could have a valid reason for doing so (illness would be one that springs to mind, coping with a very unhappy life event like bereavement could be another and so on), but I do not expect the author intended us all to blindly catagorise a relationship as abusive based on one explainable and justifiable factor such as your pther half having gone off it since they broke thier leg and it hurts to jiggle about with a cast on or whatever.

Where it is useful however is for those people who find themselves reading something like this and finding they're mentally ticking off more of the concearns listed than they expected. For people in such situations a neat, quick reflection of what their life has become can be invaluable.

The strength of such checklists isn't in that they are a professional diagnostic tool because indeed they are not. Theraputic professionals do not use such lists. It is that they are a fast yes/no/maybe catagorisation which then causes you to think about those issues it highlights.

Obviously those MSE'ers who have read this list and realised thier relationship has one or more of the undesirable charicteristics listed above have very quickly put this into perspective from thier own point of view and decided the list does not work as a diagnostic tool- indeed it doesn't, you are quite right. However that you have immediately put it into perspective is the whole point, people do not read in such a way as they take everything in a forum or book as the printed and exact truth, people interpret what they read and challenge what they find to be inaccurate, which is healthy.

So in posting this I post it with the full knowledge and acceptance of it's limitations, but also for it's strengths as offering a rapid reflection on a relationship and thus provoking further thought for those people who then decide they ought to think a bit further.

dmg24

Sarsie wrote: »

Although some items are clearly more dangerous than others, almost all of them are potentially dangerous, and all show a lack of respect and an effort to intimidate and control you.

This is completely untrue - you are making broad generalisations which, as has already been noted, just cannot be done in such a situation. If this is not your intention, you really need to edit your post.

As an example, I shall more than likely be called a whore later tonight. To be honest, I'll be pretty annoyed if I don't! In a consensual adult relationship, that does not show a lack of respect, and certainly no intimidation or control. For me, it is just part of a healthy sexual relationship. In fact, I shall no doubt call him some names too - does that make me an abuser?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

dmg24 wrote: »

As an example, I shall more than likely be called a whore later tonight. To be honest, I'll be pretty annoyed if I don't! In a consensual adult relationship, that does not show a lack of respect, and certainly no intimidation or control. For me, it is just part of a healthy sexual relationship. In fact, I shall no doubt call him some names too - does that make me an abuser?

Ugggghhhhh. Too much information. WAAYYYYY too much information.

NJW69

Very often abusive partners have 'techniques' that are far more difficult to label than those listed and this tool may then make people think that because these aren't on the list this isn't abuse.

Most people don't need to be told that being raped, pets being hurt or themselves being subjected to violence is abusive but may not appreciate some of the more manipulative behaviours that could be used by an abusive partner.

I think a discussion about the recipients response, feelings and perceptions of the behaviour of the 'abuser' may give more insight and facilitate a better, deeper understanding of what is generally a more complex problem than that portrayed.

Sarsie

Oh really, this is getting silly, if you like being called something it's not an insult is it and clearly doesn't count. You obviously know that too so why you're throwing it back again after I accepted your concearns fully and added the further clarification I couldn't possibly say.

I've already explained as well as I possibly can about the intentions, the strengths and the limitations of the quote. I'm sorry you still feel inclined to take it out of context but honestly I can't think of anywhere positive continuing in this vein could possibly go. It's flawed - yes, it can not be taken verbatim - agreed. Indeed I thank you for your earlier post in that it allowed me to highlight that. I have entirely accepted the flaws in any such list and have gone to some trouble to make that as understandable as I am able. If you are going to insist on stressing the same points (that is is flawed) after further clarification there isn't a lot else I can think of to say to you that's going to make you feel any less aggrieved. I realise you will not find that to be good enough, however you must equally realise that is as much as I can offer.

I regret I am unable to continue a debate about the semantics of each sentance of the original post further and I regret that I was not able to clarify in any way you will admit to having understood. May I take this opportunity to wish you well in your clearly very consentual relationship as bow out of this particular aspect of discussion since I have nothing further to say that could posibily help.

NJW69

This was a very serious subject to bring to a forum (place for debate and discussion) to then be unwilling to discuss or debate.

Nobody doubts your intentions but you must have expected to provoke a reaction i.e. debate and discussion.