Need some advice (postgrad study)

pug_in_a_bed

Hope this is ok to post here, please move it if it's better elsewhere.

I have posted on here before about my worries about whether to do phd or not. I applied for unding from the arts research council , £12, 000 per year, they take your fees (£3000) a year) out of that.

Anyway, stupidly all I've been thinking about is what decision will i make if i get the money. I have been in two minds for ages about whether to continue studying, and I was thinking well the boards decision on whether to give me any money will make it for me.

Well..yesterday the bottom sort of fell out of everything as I received a letter saying I had been unsucessful.

I went through a variety of emotions, many included oh dear what on earth am i going to do now. Problem is I began to think oh dear i did actually quite want to do it.

I was really upset, so my parents became upset and were suddenly offering to pay for the three years (£12, 000). They don't have this kind of money spare, they have about £15000 in their savings for their retirement. I immediately refused. It wasn't ever an option i had considered, and I don't want them to pay for it full stop.

I am so confused now. I just don't know what to do. As soon as I informed my department, I was told that I had been sucessful in their teaching drawer - all potential phds are put in a hat and 2 are chosen for a teaching scholarship of £2000, based on taking a few tutorials every week.

This made me feel worse, as I felt like my tutor had just decided to get rid of the hat so to speak, and just give me it to help with the cost. Isn't that terrible? i'm so negative at the moment!

I also applied for another scholarship which won't come through till September. Basically potentially I could pay the fees full time this year, if i were to receive this scholarship. God knows what i would do in years 2 and 3.

My problem is that lately i've been feeling really worried about going back to uni after a year, I've been feeling quite down as I haven't been able to get a job even with my MA. I have a small clsoe knit group of friends who moved simaltaneusly and I don't really see anymore - hence why I'm on here so much lol.
I haven't been able to read or write anything in a few months - very bad if you're an english student! Think i've read two books since october. God I feel even worse writing that down. i feel like everything i've done has been sort of a fraud.

I just feel so worried that I will go back and let everyone down, because I'm unprepared, and then I think dear god I won't be able to teach the freshers anything because I'm so out of touch.

This decision has been weighing on me for a year and I don't seem to be able to get anywhere.

At the moment am feeling flat and a bit of a mess, I feel like four years of hard slog was just that and only that, because i can't get a job and now i can't continue studying.

I'm supposed to be the 'clever' one in our family, my parents were really keen on my pursuing an academic career, and I really feel I have let them down. I know my dad is really disappointed in me.

Horribly horribly confused.

Sorry this is so negative, I feel rather horrendous at the moment.

melancholly

you should really only do a phd if YOU want to - as you'll see on many other threads here, it can be very hard work and sometimes demoralising. It's nothing like the student lifestyle of an undergraduate - if it's not what you want it will be very difficult and you might not finish.....

i had to do 2 years of applications to get a phd - in the first year i only applied to work with my unergraduate supervisors and didn't really know what to do when it didn't come through...... in the second year i applied much more widely and ended up with multiple offers to choose from. i personally would spend a year saving some money, even if it means doing a dull temp job, and apply to a variety of universities. you could even try emailling people who could supervise you to ask if they will have any studentships available.

but seriously - if you're only doing it because you think your parents will be let down, then that's not right. you can do any career you want and it has to be your choice. perhaps you could visit the careers service and arrange a meeting with someone who could talk to you about options....

and overall - have a hug :grouphug: it sounds like you need one!

melbury

pug_in_a_bed wrote:

Hope this is ok to post here, please move it if it's better elsewhere.

I have posted on here before about my worries about whether to do phd or not. I applied for unding from the arts research council , £12, 000 per year, they take your fees (£3000) a year) out of that.

Anyway, stupidly all I've been thinking about is what decision will i make if i get the money. I have been in two minds for ages about whether to continue studying, and I was thinking well the boards decision on whether to give me any money will make it for me.

Well..yesterday the bottom sort of fell out of everything as I received a letter saying I had been unsucessful.

I went through a variety of emotions, many included oh dear what on earth am i going to do now. Problem is I began to think oh dear i did actually quite want to do it.

I was really upset, so my parents became upset and were suddenly offering to pay for the three years (£12, 000). They don't have this kind of money spare, they have about £15000 in their savings for their retirement. I immediately refused. It wasn't ever an option i had considered, and I don't want them to pay for it full stop.

I am so confused now. I just don't know what to do. As soon as I informed my department, I was told that I had been sucessful in their teaching drawer - all potential phds are put in a hat and 2 are chosen for a teaching scholarship of £2000, based on taking a few tutorials every week.

This made me feel worse, as I felt like my tutor had just decided to get rid of the hat so to speak, and just give me it to help with the cost. Isn't that terrible? i'm so negative at the moment!

I also applied for another scholarship which won't come through till September. Basically potentially I could pay the fees full time this year, if i were to receive this scholarship. God knows what i would do in years 2 and 3.

My problem is that lately i've been feeling really worried about going back to uni after a year, I've been feeling quite down as I haven't been able to get a job even with my MA. I have a small clsoe knit group of friends who moved simaltaneusly and I don't really see anymore - hence why I'm on here so much lol.
I haven't been able to read or write anything in a few months - very bad if you're an english student! Think i've read two books since october. God I feel even worse writing that down. i feel like everything i've done has been sort of a fraud.

I just feel so worried that I will go back and let everyone down, because I'm unprepared, and then I think dear god I won't be able to teach the freshers anything because I'm so out of touch.

This decision has been weighing on me for a year and I don't seem to be able to get anywhere.

At the moment am feeling flat and a bit of a mess, I feel like four years of hard slog was just that and only that, because i can't get a job and now i can't continue studying.

I'm supposed to be the 'clever' one in our family, my parents were really keen on my pursuing an academic career, and I really feel I have let them down. I know my dad is really disappointed in me.

Horribly horribly confused.

Sorry this is so negative, I feel rather horrendous at the moment.

My son is in exactly the same position as you - was totally dependent on the AHRC for funding and they offered him absolutely nothing, so he just doesn't know what to do now and is totally deflated.

If they had only stumped up with the university/college fees we could have probably helped him out with living expenses, but just cannot afford to support him for three more years at university. He is talking about deferring for a year and trying to raise some funds or find a funded Phd course. It is very difficult, seems you have to be loaded or win the lottery! Most people on here don't recommend trying to borrow/self-fund as it just adds to the pressure. Scholarships/funding seem a bit thin on the ground, but I suppose everyone wanting to do a Phd is after them.

Cheer up and stay positive - something will turn up.

cupid_s

if you're really keen on an academic career then apply again next year. i really feel for you - i was turned down for 4 lots of funding before i got the one i'm on now and it's crap compared to most others! And I too couldn't get a decent job depsite having a first class degree and a masters.
One possible option that i know some people are doing is to work (with your potential supervisor if possible) and do the PhD part time. if you are working part time and can do some tutoring and teaching based work at the uni then hopefully this might cover almost all your fees and a good deal towards living costs.

however maybe taking another year will decide if you really want to do a PhD. Your family wanting you to have an academic career isn't good reason. And i'm sure your dad is not disappointed in you, just disappointed for you as they want you to do well hence then offering to pay.

pug_in_a_bed

I appreciate all the answers here, it's good to hear from people in a similar position.

I don't feel I can really take another year out. I finished my MA in September, and I'm 25 now, living with my parents again. I'm torn because on the one hand I can't seem to get a job with what I've got and then I think what a waste it might all be.

I wish an answer would fall out the sky or something! I have to decide for good by Friday, as the teaching assistantship has to be all sorted out.

misskool

Hey, big hugs to you! I'm sorry that you feel so down.

It took me ages to sort out a scholarship, and the one I am getting now is quite lowly funded but it's enough for me.

Don't worry too much about age! I know it's hard but I will be 27 in October and still have to write up my PhD.

katakuri

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN! I'm about to start a Masters, and was turned down by the AHRC (what do I have to do to get a grant?!!?) and didn't get the faculty bursary I was hoping for I went to the pub and bemoaned the situation over a large glass of wine (only one... I'm on a budget, lol).

I felt lost, like maybe I didn't want to do it, maybe I couldn't do it anyway (ability-wise and finance-wise)... maybe it was all a big mistake. I won't go on about it, because I'm sure you know well the gamut of emotions that postgraduate study brings on! I study English too, and believe me, you're not a fraud - I hardly read anything last year, and wrote about 15 lines! For someone who got a good degree, and has had a couple of poems published, that felt pretty baaaaad... I felt like I should be this uber-intelligent person who breathed their subject (like the lecturers and the researchers, right?)... but I forget that they've been doing it as a job for years, and that we're still studying! The people who are a few years ahead of us have years of learning on us, and are in that sort of community as a career... so don't feel like a fraud. I think we're all insecure about out knowledge and abilities because there's so much to know - just because you don't feel secure in your ability doesn't mean you can't do it, it just means you're human.

And so to the money side (:eek: argh! Run away from the money side!! Run for your souls!!!!)... no AHRC, no bursary, lots of fees, no money for me, I'll have to gradually eat the furniture to stay alive This goes round in my head often. I think you're really fortunate to have gotten teaching experience (don't be afraid - what did you know as a fresher? And I bet you couldn't tell which lecturers were 'visiting', so they won't be able to tell that you're all wobbly and worried either!) - grasp the opportunity and don't feel like the hat was gotten rid of (so to speak!)... that's not hugely likely, and anyway, you should see the chance as an opportunity!

I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say 'Where did the days of a degree being great for finding jobs go?'. A lot of my friends are trying to find careers a year on after graduation, and most of them are just settling into short-term jobs for the meantime. Loads of them are temping, too. However, I think that if you want to do your phd, you shouldn't feel bad about doing it for that reason alone... fingers crossed for your academic career, but if you decide you want to do something else, that's fine too (even if that's after you complete it, or half-way through). I'm sure your family just want you to be happy, and they're probably disappointed FOR you, rather than IN you, what with the funding falling through. I bet there's loads of moneysavers on here going through a similar thing. An amusing story: a friend of my cousin has done his degree, masters and phd and now works in sainsburys because he doesn't know what he wants to do! There's a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, even if you're convinced it's a runaway train, lol

So I'd say it's a case of weighing up your options now... My parents have offered to pay my fees too but, like you, I'd rather they didn't! I've just got a part-time job, and think I'll probably have to get at least one more (and have a STRICT budget for at least a while) - I'm hoping to let my parents pay off the first installment, then I'll repay it gradually until the next one... then they pay that, and I repay that one gradually... ad infinitum (or at least it feels like it, lol!). That way, I can accept their help but, in a roundabout way, pay for the fees myself. You could postpone the phd for a bit, work and save LOADS to help with fees, or maybe do it and get as many jobs as time/social life/thesis will allow. There's a lot of options, and don't be afraid of living with very few luxuries (tesco value here we come!), and doing a phd just because you want to... Education is not just for enhancing your employability, it's for enhancing you. To quote a lot of people on the subject of education: 'Once you've got it, they can't take away it from you'.

I feel like I've splurged my thoughts here, so apologies for the tangled mess of twine that is my current mental state... I'll call it stream of consciousness and then at least it sounds intellectual :rotfl: Chin up, pug_in_a_bed... it's a lot of big decisions, and half of them don't feel like they're ours to make, but just go through it and you'll emerge the other side... hopefully with a bit of a clue what's going on, and enough money for a large glass of wine! :grouphug:

pug_in_a_bed

Well, on the MA, i'd say do it if you can - it's very different to an undergrad degree (which i hated, but loved my MA), also you're only tied in for a year, not 4 like for a pHd and I really did honestly love it.

Just had a meeting with my parents, who think I should do the Phd, at least or a year (when I would then come out with an MPhil at least), and they will lend me the £1000 i might need if my other scholarship falls through.

I feel a lot better now. Decisions are hard! I'm going to wait till friday and decide for definite.

katakuri

Sounds like a good plan I'm definitely going to do my MA, I'll just work as many hours as I can too! I loved doing my degree, and I hope to do a phd after this - it's hardly the easy option financially, but I think it's worth it Good luck with your decisions!

katakuri

Besides, it'll be better than teacher training, which is what I was doing last year :rotfl:

Rosie75

I would only recommend that someone do a PhD if they are absolutely certain that they want to do it. It you feel negative now, I can promise you that there will be many more years of inevitable negativity - the most difficult thing about the PhD isn't the academic stuff but the emotional and psychological slog that goes with it. I have just come out the other end, and by that I mean not just the PhD but several years of postdoctoral slog, earning a pittance and despairing of ever getting an academic job before effectively winning the lottery by securing a permanent job. I love my job, but I can't say hand on heart that it was worth all the unhappiness that preceded it. This is the experience of most people who do a PhD in the arts or humanities, except that only a minority end up with a permanent job. My partner has just secured his first 2-year contract four years after finishing his PhD in English, beating over 300 applicants for the job - most people we know have simply given up. The four latest appointments in my department got their first jobs at the ages of 31, 32 ,34 and 35. If you feel you can live with this level of insecurity, if it you are doing it because you want the challenge rather than because you think it is a good career choice, then fine, but it's important that people go into it with their eyes open. I'm sure your father isn't disappointed in you, but disappointed that your hopes have been dashed. Though I must say I'm surprised he is so keen for you to pursue an academic career - my parents were furious with me for going on to do a PhD, and although they behaved unreasonably, in retrospect I can see why they didn't want me to do it.
I hope this doesn't sound too negative, and I hope that things work out for you, but university departments are often so keen to get the funding and fees that accompany postgrads that very few academics will tell you about the realities of the job market.
If you do decide this is what you want to do, there is the possibility of funding yourself this year and then re-applying for AHRC funding next year. Or simply taking a year out and reapplying? Good luck whatever you decide.