Splitting up marital home

lynzpower

Gezza09 wrote: »

Her Dad has little interest in her if I am honest. Even though we are living apart it was me who made the appt at the GP and I made him come with me to give the doc all the info prior to step daughter appt today. I understand the bi-polar is very heriditary and i hope that it will bring a happier phase to her life soon however i do not plan to continue living like i am long term. It has been the worst 5 yrs of my life to date but i do love her dad so.

Can I ask where mum is?
You say this is the worst 5 years, are you saying shes been displaying these needs since she was 10?

If dad "doesnt show any interest in her" then you must recognise that this will have a huge affect on her emotional functioning?

Are child protection involved?

Whats your understanding of why she was self harming so young?

Fang_3

Gezza09 wrote: »

Disgusting comments. You should be ashamed!

You've let a teenager run you out of your house. You've apparently married into a family of violent thugs, and your husband won't back you up. I'm not the one who should be ashamed.

lynzpower

Gezza09 wrote: »

She has always struck me as a deeply unhappy child even when I first met her. she began self harming when she was 12 and how she wanted to kill herself then. She had treatment for a few months and no follow up support since then. Her brother who doesn't live with us has always been vile with her but at the minute he is interested in her only because his dad & wicked step mother are now seperated. He too (brother) suffers with lots of issues.

their mother suffers with MS quite badly and is almost in vegetative state. they have not seen her nor do they want to for almost 10years now. It was only thru me that we wrote to her carer who told us of the bi-polar disorder.

When S/D ran away a few weeks ago I contacted social services for help but given that she is back with her dad on the condition I left then social services are no longer interested in our case.

Child protection seems rather strong. Her dad wouldn't harm her I know that however he is clueless what to do with her always has been.

Self harming when she was younger came from a no. of things, I think. Her brother sending her birthday card but not bothering to write her name or sign it himself. He would never contact her even by text. School projects, 6weeks 6 tasks would freak her out! she had a special mentor at school. couldn't handle being told off. she would scream and cry all the time and nothing was ever her fault.....I could go on and on!

Well it sounds like she is a very troubled young person. It will be very difficult for her to take responsibility for things as she doesn't seem to have the emotional control and resilience to cope with life.

NOw you explain about her mum and brother it all seems a bit clearer.

Well I thought child protection would be involved with such a tiny child of 12 self harming. Now she is effectively homeless?? then I think they should be involved. He clearly has issues in looking after her, and could really do with some specialist support. For example if you have been the one peicing her history together and sorting out her health care, can he manage to do this on his own, will he be able to set firm boundaries to ensure she attends the CAMHS appointments?

As an ex social worker I would say she is in great need of input, and dad, from what you tell me isnt able to provide this alone as you have been doing so much by the sounds of it.

If you still want to be in a relationship with him- or even if you dont! Id suggest you have a strong word and get him to present to social services and get help for them both, being 100% honest about what they are going through.

Some authorities may be reluctant, but when I worked there section 17 finance ( children in need) housing could be provided, at the very least a deposit could be lent to sort them out a flat. With working tax credit and child tax credit and CTB contribution Im sure they can financially survive. They may need support to work through these claims and get them done quickly, and SS may well be able to help with this or find another agency that can help.

It may well be that a secure therapeutic placement might be appropriate but I wouldn't pin on it, spaces are rare as hens teeth.

lynzpower

I find it so difficult when people are so resistant.

His daughter is never going to be able to blossom into being a competent young woman with options and life choices unless he mans up and takes responsibility for his daughter. I think you sound remarkably strong so, you should , if you love him, tell him you will stand by him and with him and get some social services input. As you will know from your sisters, SW arnt ogres, but at the end of the day they need to help where they can, and this looks like somewhere they do need to help. It sounds natural for him to resist SS support, after all it sounds to me like he will have great difficulty in accepting that his parenting is ( wrong word but its late) deficient.

I think you should speak to your sisters about it, they may well be able to offer you some reassurance. Does your husband know your sisters?

I think people think of SW like police officers, totally hate them until they meet one and realise that they are just normal people doing a job.

It may well be your life will be enhanced by moving away as there does seem to be a lot of dysfunction here, and it must be very draining, although I would stick my neck out and say, please do what you can for the daughter first.

lynzpower

Take care of yourself Gezza xxx

DVardysShadow

Fang wrote: »

Kick her out and him with her. She'll soon learn.

Gezza09 wrote: »

Not that easy when her dad & I still love each other

A rather blunt way of putting it. But the saying 'love me, love my dog' comes to mind. The dog is not so much the SD as the OH's inability to deal with the situation.

I think you need to work towards packing the SD's bags and tipping her out of the door without regard for OH. That will soon show exactly how he feels. If he does not get a move on to sort this out, I am wondering what it could be about him which you really love. Personally, I think you are being used and abused by OH as much as you are being abused by SD and I think you are probably only with him because he exploits some of your insecurities.

It is your home and I think it is dreadful that the police have evicted you without any legal power.

Bubby

I may sound harsh but I think you should help them to find a new home purely with the intention of washing your hands of them once they are out. They have both treated you with no respect and its not just them its the rest of his family. I fear that you are wasting your life with this man and the happy ending you hope will eventually come when your sd has grown up will probably never arrive:(

Seek legal advice and fight for what is rightfully yours but most of all take care of YOURSELF

Bubby

I hope you are able to get this all worked out and break free from this family. Let us know how you get on

misgrace

Hi Gezza, I think you really need to get away from all this, I think you have put up with too much for too long, and dont mean to be blunt, but as much as you still love your OH he's not really there for you, your the one standing alone, fighting the SD, the MIL, the family, even the SB.
Reading between the lines you have landed into a disfunctional family that jeremy kyle would have on his show.

Whether the daughter has Bi polar or not, she definately has problems, and again am being blunt, and dont want to hurt you, but I can see that her father isnt really strong enough to help her, he sounds as though he's given up, and wants his hand held.

I know you care for him, but stop thinking of him of her and think of yourself,who's there for you? you have tried and got no thanks for it, he needs to grow a pair and take control of his daughter, his life, and stop leaving it to you.

Let us know how things go, and I hope you get sorted out, but please, concentrate on yourself,:) if people dont want to be helped then you cant help them.

lynzpower

My SD has only just mastered a knife/fork last year!!

This poor child. She is so chronically neglected, no wonder she is so ill