Help me help my family...

Pollycat

pazza2000 wrote: »

As for finding out where she is.... it is just simply for the purposes of one of our to locate and confront her, find out if and whom she has left for. It will provide closure.... My Dad is very hung up on her, and would take her back i believe if he could.

I fear that confronting her will not provide 'closure' - I can see it just ending up causing massive problems and may even result in legal or police action against your family.

She's left your Dad, what 'closure' will finding out where she's now living and with whom be for him?

I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic (I'm not), I just feel that spending your time finding this woman would be put to better use by helping your Dad realise that she's gone, is unlikely to come back and to look towards the future - and to ensure that he is no longer financially (and eventually legally) attached to this woman.

smartpicture

The other thing to consider is the will situation - as things stand, if your father dies, she will inherit things that maybe he would prefer to go to his children now.

As far as finding and confronting her goes - please don't. She's made her choice, she's made it clear she's not going to change her mind, and it really doesn't matter now what her reasons were. You have to help your father accept this and deal with the situation as it is now.

Molly41

With respect you need to let your father sort this out. Whilst you should be a sympathetic ear it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Its his marriage not yours. You know nothing of the reason why she has left and the reason why she wants to remain anonymous. It might be that its because she cant face the confrontation, it might be because she has mental health issues, it might be she feels in danger. Its not your battle to fight and whilst you have every reason to feel aggrieved on your father's behalf you dont know what actually went on in that marriage. Actually why should she have to answer to you? Her husband - yes but not you - you are not even related to her as she is not your mother. Im sorry if this sounds harsh but i think there is probably more to her leaving than meets the eye and I agree you should be very careful as you could very easily be accused of harassment!

Curious_George_2

scone give some good advice above but im pretty sure you dont need a reason to get divorced anymore, it doesnt have to be 'adultery' or 'abandonment'
if one of you wants divorce, thats a good enough reason...

it doesnt matter if the house is only in your dads name, or if you say she contributed little, they were married for 15 years, that was the family home it starts at 50/50,

you said

Thats why we want to find out where she is. Not to drag her back, just for answers, infact they(My Father and my Step Mothers adult children) are beyond wanting answers.... they just want closure. My Dad is addament she has left for someoe else and that would explain alot, although if she genuinely has just moved out of unhappyness, we need to know

you dont "need" to know, but we understand that you want too...
maybe she doesnt want to tell you why she has upped and left your father in such a way, and maybe your dad doesnt want you to know either...
im sorry, i dont know you or your family and could be completely wrong but when people leave like that and go into hiding there is normally a reason, and that reason is usually fear.

Kimitatsu

Curious_George wrote: »

scone give some good advice above but im pretty sure you dont need a reason to get divorced anymore, it doesnt have to be 'adultery' or 'abandonment'
if one of you wants divorce, thats a good enough reason...

.

Not unless they have been seperated for two years. If her father wants to get divorced before that time then there has to be cause for irretrevable breakdown of the marriage to be shown.

<H3>Reasons for divorce

The court will only grant you a divorce if a judge agrees that your marriage is at an end. The legal term for this is 'irretrievably broken down'.
You must satisfy the court that one or more of the following is true as proof that your marriage is over:

• adultery by your husband or wife
• unreasonable behaviour by your husband or wife
• desertion for a period of at least two years
• two years' separation, if you both agree to the divorce
• five years' separation, if there is no agreement to the divorce

</H3>

paddy's_mum

Mind your own damn business!

You're talking, and taking, this way beyond what a dutiful son should do. Who are you to be calling her "white trash" among other little pleasantries?

Perhaps your utterly obvious loathing of her is the very reason she doesn't want anyone to know where she is. What gives you the right to "confront" anyone?

Would you care to know what struck me the hardest of all you've said? You've suggested that your father would take her back if he could ... why can't he? .... oh yes - you've explained that it is the children who are pushing for divorce and closure.

I suggest you read the post by Molly41 (wish there was such a thing as a SuperThanks) and think long and hard about the arrogance in the stance you are taking. I'd punch you right in the nose if you ever spoke to me in the terms you've used here when, by your own admission, you don't know why the marriage broke down.

I hope for the happiness of you all that it gets sorted out as painlessly and peacefully as possible but in the meantime, I believe you need to do a lot more thinking.

Molly41

Interesting that the OP has not recently responded to posts. As I thought there is more to this than meets the eye.