Advice please...

IWAR

Hi all. Not using my normal user name, and am, in any case, a lurker on this particular thread on the forum, but you all seem pretty nice, so here goes...

I'm in my late thirties, pretty much all of my friends are settled down, and I would really like to meet someone. Had a conversation with my best friend the other day, and (without there even being that much wine consumed....) she asked a question which resulted in tears, because the answer was "I've kind of given up trying, because I feel that I've been rejected so many times, I'd rather not put myself out there to be rejected again". I don't want to bore you all with the details, but I've been cheated on in my last two relationships (once - for want of a better term! - for "good" reasons, and the other was just a horrible horrible man). I am told (by men and women) that I'm "gorgeous", but also that I am quite intimidating. I'm still shy at heart, although I try to cover that up - I think my cover up means that I come over as very self possessed (also a large part of the feedback I get) and confident. My friend suggested relationship counselling, to see how I can soften the way people see me and maybe allow myself to be a bit vulnerable rather than coming over as hard and self sufficient - does anyone out there know if Relate or a similar service would see single people? Or have any other helpful advice?

Thanks in advance

IWAR

McKneff

To be perfectly honest, you are you, this is what and who you are and
you shouldnt be changing yourself for the sake of other people.

Do you like who you are, If so then dont change a hair or an attitude.
Someone will come along and sweep you off your feet for being exactly that.
If you change it, it will be an act and people will see a different person if you see what i mean.

If you dont like who you are, go to your counsellor but do it for the right reasons and do it for you not for other people.

Good luck
annie

BitterAndTwisted

Yes, Relate do accept single people for relationship counselling. I think it would be a very valuable experience and one that anyone could benefit from, not just those with relationship "problems".

To be honest, I think you might be taking your past experiences in relationships a bit too hard. Just because the last two ended because of infidelity does not guarantee that any future one would, too. Although if you're attracted to similar personality-types you could be subconsciously selecting unfaithful types in order to ensure relationships with them don't endure. Counselling could help to untie this Gordian Knot if that's the reason.

You're not the only person in the world who doesn't feel totally secure who has developed the appearance of total confidence as a protection against being hurt. Lots of us do that. Maybe counselling could help you soften that as well, so you appear a bit less daunting as a date-prospect.

missmontana

Hi IWAR,

I am in the boat with you, we are up the stream without a paddle in sight!

My last proper bf was over 18 months ago, he cheated on me, and I haven't really had much luck since. I just don't think my head or heart has the energy anymore.

I get all the "I can't believe your single" comments. But like yourself, I am independent, quite strong willed and have been told I come across as cold! I'm a big softy really, but have been scarred from past events.

VfM4meplse

Welcome to the club, but do not under any circumstances lower your standards. Believe it or not there are some normal people out there amongst the piles of losers.

It doesn't hurt to ask a few questions when you meet someone rather than answering all the time, that can give the impression of being self-interested when it isn't necessarily the case. And have the grace to pay your own way.

Sublime_2

Don't change who you are. You don't need counselling, you just haven't met the right one. Don't lower your standards.

We don't all confirm to the "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" carp. You will find someone someday, just be yourself, and hang on in there. :A

IWAR

Thanks everyone - I'm so glad I took the plunge and posted here (felt a bit guilty as it's hardly money saving!). I am not self interested I promise - far from it! But most feedback says that because I speak "posh" and use long words, and dress well, and hold myself well, everyone thinks I'm either up myself, or "out of their league" - snort! I'm not out of anyone's league, so long as they're nice, kind and funny! but I'm so scared of getting slapped down again, that's why I wondered if some sort of counselling would help, so I don't put the barriers up so high no poor bloke stands a chance without grappling irons, crampons, and a will of steel - I'm not that gorgeous that blokes would want to make that much effort!

Thanks so much for all your replies - what a nice bunch of people you are!

pigpen

There is no way you are as intimidating as I am.. or my mother for that matter.. apparently we scare the bejeepers out of most people.. fine trait to have.. I am also extremely stroppy, stubborn, flippant, blunt (tactless some would say) and I don't actually give a hoot what anyone else thinks about me.. but those are the 'negative' bits.. think about YOUR POSITIVES!!! number 1.. you won't scare the person in the bed next to you in the morning.. what else do you have to offer? It is all well and good looking the part but most men looking for a 'dolly for their arm' are not worth the water they consist of.. look at broadening your knowledge, all kinds.. go new places, meet new people..

I'd try moving the goalposts and looking in different places.

I always told my friend she was 'looking to hard' or 'looking in the wrong places' or simply 'looking at the wrong thing' .. she was eyeing up the pants dept and assessing the build.. she ended up marrying someone completely different to anyone she had ever dated before.. the taxi driver who took her home after a drunken night out!

I am not a great believer in counselling.. having trained myself it seemed to be a load of codswallop.. for me.. but it does depend on what you are hoping to get out of it.. if it is about self discovery and self analysis then give it a go.. can it make things worse?

I am all for change

jackieglasgow

I don't know much about internet dating, but have you thought about it? I've read lots on here about mysinglefriend.com, and know one couple IRL who met that way, maybe rather than changing yourself, change what you are doing? If your friends like you well enough then there can't be that much "wrong" with you, can there?

IWAR

Yes, have tried (and haven't given up on!) internet dating, but I kind of figure I have to be a in good place to do it - if I'm not liking myself too much at times (which we all do occasionally), I can't really expect anyone else to! The last date I went on was with a really strange bloke who kept trying to insist we met in a pub (at 10.30 on a Sunday morning...), and made me really uncomfortable by trying to establish exactly where I lived- and I mean EXACTLY - then sent a horrible text when I said I didn't want to see him again. It was a typical "15 year old that's been rejected" style text (he was 38....) but I want to be in a happier place before trying it over again, rather than going out with a negative mindset if that makes sense?

Not that worried about looks tbh (although clearly would not reject any Brad Pitt alikes on principle - that would be SHALLOW!), more about guys who are nice, and kind, and funny.

Thanks again for all your comments. And you're right Jackieglasgow, I'm lucky to have a brilliant bunch of friends, so I know there's nothing wrong with me - it's strangers that think there is! Hmm. Unless all my friends are weird?! Ha ha

babymoo

IWAR wrote: »

Hi all. Not using my normal user name, and am, in any case, a lurker on this particular thread on the forum, but you all seem pretty nice, so here goes...

I'm in my late thirties, pretty much all of my friends are settled down, and I would really like to meet someone. Had a conversation with my best friend the other day, and (without there even being that much wine consumed....) she asked a question which resulted in tears, because the answer was "I've kind of given up trying, because I feel that I've been rejected so many times, I'd rather not put myself out there to be rejected again". I don't want to bore you all with the details, but I've been cheated on in my last two relationships (once - for want of a better term! - for "good" reasons, and the other was just a horrible horrible man). I am told (by men and women) that I'm "gorgeous", but also that I am quite intimidating. I'm still shy at heart, although I try to cover that up - I think my cover up means that I come over as very self possessed (also a large part of the feedback I get) and confident. My friend suggested relationship counselling, to see how I can soften the way people see me and maybe allow myself to be a bit vulnerable rather than coming over as hard and self sufficient - does anyone out there know if Relate or a similar service would see single people? Or have any other helpful advice?

Thanks in advance

IWAR

Why would you want to change who you are? You can come across as self possessed, loud and bolshy or you could come across as shy, quiet and imtimdated. Either way you are who you are, don't let anyone ever tell you that you should be someone different.

You will find someone who will love and appreciate you for who you are. Infact the right person will love the very things you see as flaws more than anything else about you. Thats strangely the way it works.

Be proud of who you are, smile, be confident. If someone can't handle you at your worst they sure as hell don't deserve you at your best.

Good luck