Ex Husband Has Moved On , I have not

moneysavermum_2

I kicked my husband out in March 2007, I met someone shortly after but as he lived more than 2 1/2 hours away ended it. It now seems 3 years on my ex husband has moved on...incidently I kicked him out and spent 2 years going through court to defend application for custody by him.

I have no family around and only moved to the area as his family lived in next village. I have only 1 main friend who is a much older man also single who wants a relationship with me but i DONT.

I have had a few offers but have turned them down and concentrated on getting my life on track. My ex barely sees my children and Ive had to fight to get correct csa amount.

I just dont know where the 3 years I have been on my own have gone and Im now starting to worry that other people are getting their lives on track and Im stuck. I have 3 children youngest being 3 so still in the thick of it. Just wondering does life get better.

I still dont feel ready to date or am scared to date of being hurt. My ex was very abusive. Just general advice please on how to move your life on at 40 single mother to 3.

I work but even work is in the country but pays well and is school hours. So have alot of pluses but a gap too.

[Deleted User]

I suspect that u have a lot of conflicting feelings. U want to be more sociable but not surprisingly have problems trusting which makes getting yourself out and about difficult.., would finding some counselling help you to sort out your feelings?

On a practical level, u don't need to find someone else to make yourself feel better (altho I agree its an added bonus).., try to think of something that you can do that you would enjoy. With me its crafts.., and I do quite a few.., no other people needed, I'm learning all the time and it is quite fulfilling if u are into that sort of thing. Particularly if you live in the country.., there are often meetings for people interested in the same thing. I'd advise u to not home in on meeting a man until you are ready.

poppyolivia

I have nothing really to say apart from only you will know when its right to start seeing someone, right now you need to carry on with what you are doing and enjoy each day as it comes...best of wishes xxxx

Schwade

nje24, you should find more hobbies in your community. Join some clubs, keep yourself busy. Meet new friends!

Learn to play the guitar, learn Korean, etc etc. => this is in reference to the movie Yes Man. You should watch it but dont get sucked into the weird group. The message is you should go out and socialise!

moneysavermum_2

deannatrois wrote: »

I suspect that u have a lot of conflicting feelings. U want to be more sociable but not surprisingly have problems trusting which makes getting yourself out and about difficult.., would finding some counselling help you to sort out your feelings?

On a practical level, u don't need to find someone else to make yourself feel better (altho I agree its an added bonus).., try to think of something that you can do that you would enjoy. With me its crafts.., and I do quite a few.., no other people needed, I'm learning all the time and it is quite fulfilling if u are into that sort of thing. Particularly if you live in the country.., there are often meetings for people interested in the same thing. I'd advise u to not home in on meeting a man until you are ready.

You are right I have had alot of conflicting feelings and have only really started bothering about finding someone now I find that everyone else is. THe trouble is I had 10 years of being controlled...not being able to buy my own clothes etc. Now I have freedom and cos me and the kids do what we want . I am worried about getting myself into a hopeless situation again. It has taken all my energy to survive and bring up my kids and it is only now my life is evening out. But still have the money worries etc. Just have no time left to date literally...have children 24/7

As I live in the country dont meet anyone either!!! so its work home..my male friend comes over and thats it. I suppose cos i get my companionship from him. I only am missing physical closeness of being with someone. Still deep down want to settle again just very stuck


Also if i live with anyone over 6 months I have to give my ex his 30k back out of the house...same again if i marry so feel stuffed.

belfastgirl23

I would recommend you join in with this thread

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1926677

It's a group of women in very similar situations to you - I don't follow it all the time but I remember when it first started and there was a lovely friendly feeling on it.

brians_daughter

you have been through an awful experience, and you ended it- thats the bravest thing ever. You should take time for you (hard with kids, i know!) but even if its a local group or something. Once you have built on your own confidence you will find slowly you start to feel ready to start dating. What have you ALWAYS wanted to do? What would you fancy doing? Have a think, it could be something with the kids and meet other parents etc..PTA etc

As you say you only have 1 'main' friend widening your circle is a great way of meeting prospective oh's. And the added bonus is your new mates only know what you want to tell them.

I wish you all the luck in the world, you are still young and have the world at your feet!

ETA i have been there as well, so know how it feels. My lo was only 6 weeks old at the time tho

euronorris

nje24 wrote: »

As I live in the country dont meet anyone either!!! so its work home..my male friend comes over and thats it. I suppose cos i get my companionship from him. I only am missing physical closeness of being with someone. Still deep down want to settle again just very stuck.

I think that, sometimes, when we find someone who provides companionship in this way, it can make it harder for us to find someone romantically.

After all, he's already fulfilling part of what you are craving and you spend quite a lot of your 'spare' time with him.

Perhaps pulling away a little, so you have some time to attend an activity group/social group locally, would be a good idea?

Other than that, I agree with deannatrois's post. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You experienced a major change in your life only 3 years ago. 2 years of that was spent fighting a custody battle! So really, you've had the past year to concentrate on improving things for yourself and the LO's and that is no time at all.

Try to relax and concentrate on things you do enjoy and achieving some of your personal goals and I'm sure you'll then find that the rest starts to slot into place.

Good luck xx

Schwade

nje24, you can't always hang around that guy who is always trying to chase you and get you when you are vulnerable.

As for the fact that you can't date - come on babe. That's not an excuse. If you can spend so much time with a guy you don't like, you can spend so much time with a guy you like or just friends even.

Don't think about the past - it's gone. Don't worry about the future as you already have a handful with children. Think NOW. It's a wonderful day.

Now, what is your decision?

moneysavermum_2

Hi I do lean on my friend quite heavily, but have always made it very clear I dont fancy him...however he lives in hope.

He offers moral support and cos i have no family of my own as such as we lost touch many years ago, he provides the friendship. However as unfortunate as it is, there is no future with him and i suppose backing off is the answer but as i have no other friends so to speak i would find it quite lonely.

I think i am ready to move on at a slow pace. But wonder how a man would find my life as at times it is manic. With kids falling out and washing up to my eyes...would on earth is going to find that attractive. They are my kids so I am used to the squabbling but another man i think would run a mile.

Bufger

I think it sounds as if you're in need of some good friends, i would suggest taking a few minutes away from your hectic life to do a hobby? maybe if thats no possible you could start a little social gathering at your house and see who turns up.

I wouldnt think about relationships, i think you're doing the right thing there!