How to convince GF I've changed

andymc29

I've had years of spending beyond my means, and now find myself deep in debt.

Thanks to pay rises over the last few years, I'm able to attack my debts and possibly clear them within a year.

I've not increased my overall debt for over a year now and I'm happy in myself that my spending habits have changed for the better.

My GF and I have been going out for a year, and she's getting to the point of deciding how serious we are for the future, we had a long chat, and she's very concerned over my debts. She's worried that I'll step into the debt spiral again in the future and how that would affect us as a couple/family.

I'm moving into a cheaper place to live soon and will be channelling all my spare earnings towards my debts. Other than this I don't know how to convince her that I'm a secure bet for the future.

I even feel guilty when I buy her presents like flowers, cause she's very sensible about money (bought her house at 24 years old and regulary overpays mortgage, no money on credit cards and no loans).
Other than the debt causing a wedge between us, we're very compatible so it's really cutting me up inside knowing that my past mistakes with money are causing our current problems.

Any advice, has anyone else here managed to get round this and how did you do it????

Person_one

It seems as though you have a plan for paying off your debts, why don't you put it down on paper, maybe a spreadsheet of each months ingoings and outgoings until your debt free day to demonstrate that you've taken things in hand and are truly dealing with the situation.

I think she's being sensible to consider this, it can be hard being the partner of someone who's bad with their money!

Redman30

Keep it up and keep records, that's the only way you'll change her opinion of your spending habits. When she can see that you've made a difference.

You sound like you've sorted your issues out, the only way to change perception is to continue to do so and be open with her about everything good and bad. All the best pal

andymc29

yeah, the problem is that she's too sensible sometimes. It really hurts though, cause I'm really trying to turn around and sort myself out, so being told that she's unsure about our future due to how I was in the past feels really bad.
I don't think she's being shallow either, I'd be concerned too if I were her.

All I told her so far is that I have a plan (which I do, and a spreadsheet) and that it's not a problem. She doesn't know how much I earn, or how much I owe, I think if she knew the total amount I owed it would terrify her. I've offered to tell her the figures but she doesn't want to know, so I'm not hiding anything from her.

Chakani

Honestly, "I have a plan, it's not a problem" wouldn't inspire me with confidence either - especially the "it's not a problem" part. It makes it sound as though you don't consider being in debt to be an issue, although clearly you have realised that it is, and are changing.

In your GF's place, I'd rather hear "I recognise that it's a problem, here's how I'm going to solve it", and then to know that you are. The only thing that would really, totally convince me in that situation would be you clearing your debt and keeping it clear, although obviously the trust would grow as the debt shrinks.

smartpicture

Chakani wrote: »

Honestly, "I have a plan, it's not a problem" wouldn't inspire me with confidence either - especially the "it's not a problem" part. It makes it sound as though you don't consider being in debt to be an issue, although clearly you have realised that it is, and are changing.

In your GF's place, I'd rather hear "I recognise that it's a problem, here's how I'm going to solve it", and then to know that you are. The only thing that would really, totally convince me in that situation would be you clearing your debt and keeping it clear, although obviously the trust would grow as the debt shrinks.

Totally agree with this!!

Even if you don't mention actual numbers, I would be making a point of telling her about the steps you have taken to address the problem to show you are taking it seriously. Talk specifics, not generalities like 'its' not a problem' or 'I'm dealing with it'. Show her that you're not spending unwisely any more. And do not, under any provocation, lie to her about it or she'll never trust you.

But well done for dealing with it. It sounds like she's giving you a chance to prove yourself, and only time will show her that you're serious.

LeeSouthEast

Money can be one of the biggest relationship issues. Get a plan, stick to it, and share it with her. Let her track your progress, encourage you and support you.

I'd also show her this thread. Why? Because it's probably more brutally honest than you were when you had your chat. It shows a lot of emotion, commitment and drive.

Raggs_2

Maybe don't mention figures themselves, but targets. Date that half the debt is paid, debt free date etc. Or dates when certain cards/loans are repaid.

When it comes to that date (assuming you've kept on track as planned) you can show her the closed account etc.

If she's sensible, as you say, then slow and steady progress is probably the only way to convince her. Just keeping paying it off.

puffinmuffin

I am in a similar situation to your GF(don't own a house but have savings and no debt). My OH ran up a lot of silly debts before we met but he has been working hard to repay them. We have been together two years and living together for 1. I know how much he earns and how much he owes and how long it will take to pay it off. I have been insistant that he is upfront about this, mainly as i want to get married next year! I think you need to be as honest as possible, at least tell her when you think they will be paid. She is thinking long term, when you might be able to marry, start a family etc. If she is as sensible as you say, she won't miss the flowers and presents if it is all going on the debts.

Flearoy

Hi AndyMc29

My advice is to keep spreadsheets. Every month have a plan, and record what you actually spend. Make realistic plans to clear your debt. Don't be too radical in your plans to pay off your debts, as it is important to have some money spare to do some fun things. Of course, paying the debt is a priority, but not at the expense of making you both miserable.

If you've been man enough to admit that your spending was out of control, and have been completely honest about how much you owe, and as discussed you have mended your ways and are making progress in paying them off, there's nothing more you can do, save keep up the good work.

Make sure you don't lose any self-respect with all this business though mate; no-one is perfect and it is very unhealthy in a relationship for one persons failings to be always under the spotlight, especially if it's something in the past. Be very wary of developing resentment if you feel you constantly have to prove your worth.

paulwf

OP if it isn't too personal a question how old are you both?

Or let it put me this way...from the info you give I'm guessing that she is starting to think about children. Even if it isn't an immediate concern a lot of women do have some kind of timescale in mind as obviously fertility starts dropping at some point. We have family that are thinking along the lines of "I want 2 children so the first one has to be by 35 so I can have the second one at 37 which means I need to be married by 33 so engaged by 31..." Scary as it can seem some people do think 5 or 7 or more years ahead.

If she is thinking like that then she will want some kind of timescale on when you'll be debt free and in a position to support children. From her point of view it is no good waiting a couple more years before tackling the subject if her biological clock is ticking.

Obviously if she doesn't want kids then ignore the above

To be honest I find it strange that after a year you aren't open enough with each other to discuss salaries, I would expect a couple that is serious about each other to share basic details like that.

Dealing with debt isn't something I've had first hand experience so take my advice with a pinch of salt but it seems to me like it will constantly be the "elephant in the room" that you both know is there but can't talk about unless you both bite the bullet and openly discuss your levels of debt.

If she knows your full position and how you are dealing with it then you can move forward together and both make rational decisions about how much to budget for meals out and holidays etc against how much to save to pay off debts. At the moment you say you are feeling guilty when you buy her anything and I think that feeling will continue until everything is out in the open. I may be wrong though...I guess people on the debt free boards will have first hand experience.