Advice to help get my dad out of a rut...

Chick

Hi everyone,

My dad was made reduandant back in 2006, it wasn't totally out of the blue but obviously it still hit him hard and he'd been with the company for 20+ years.

The problem is that he has not had a job since then and he is only in his early 50s (52) so he won't be receiving a state pension for many years or his private pension with his old company which I think he can take early but he will lose out if he does.

I've tried talking to him about maybe retraining in another field, doing some volunteering or even going back to study. He gets very defensive and then will change the subject to anything but himself, it's like he's in total denial. He has definitely never signed on for JSA or any other state benefits.
My mum is working full-time, she really enjoys her job and is very active going to the gym and seeing her friends. I know this annoys my dad as he thinks she does too much but he seems happy to spend endless days sat on the computer surfing the internet, as is he's in a complete trance.

I have no idea whether he is looking for work, even if he was I don't think he'd tell us, he's quite secretive in that respect and as a family we don't communicate particularly well.

Am I just being a pain & over-reacting or should just let him get on with his 'early retirement'? I just feel sorry for my mum, she does everything & the situation is grinding her down plus my dad barely leaves the house nowadays and I know that is just not right.

Any ideas how I can help him help himself? feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall!

xmaslolly76

I would say unless he wants to help himself then you wont be able to help him i'm afraid can you talk to your mom what does she say about the situation?

MyRubyRed

xmaslolly76 wrote: »

I would say unless he wants to help himself then you wont be able to help him i'm afraid can you talk to your mom what does she say about the situation?

Agree with the post above. Has your mum said she is unhappy and is she looking to you for support to get your dad out of his rut?

McKneff

Seems mum is a bit too busy with her own life to even notice, (no offence intended, we all do this at some time or another) she maybe just needs a bit of a nudge from you

babyshoes

Is there a hobby you could share with him, or learn together? It might be a start of being able to chat to him about it!

smartpicture

McKneff wrote: »

Seems mum is a bit too busy with her own life to even notice, (no offence intended, we all do this at some time or another) she maybe just needs a bit of a nudge from you

Why is it up to his wife to sort his life out?? It sounds like the dad needs the nudge to sort his life out, or his marriage will be in trouble along with everything else.

Actually I do have sympathy for him, it is hard to adjust to major changes in your life that you didn't choose to make. But doing an ostrich impression won't help. You can't make him do anything differently - but you can, and should, make him aware how it looks from the outside, and let him know that you're there to support him if he needs it, and what options are open to him. If you think he's not hearing what you're saying, maybe try writing it in a letter to him, just saying that you're concerned that he's unhappy and you want to help.

ERICS_MUM

Could he be depressed ? Perhaps he needs a purpose to his day, a routine - what about buying a dog ?

This is a tough one, but I think it needs "nipping in the bud" before he gets ill.


Good luck and let us know how you all get on.


Linda xx

McKneff

Why is it up to his wife to sort his life out??

This bit is questioning me.

It sounds like the dad needs the nudge to sort his life out, or his marriage will be in trouble along with everything else.

This bit you are completely agreeing with me.

Actually I do have sympathy for him, it is hard to adjust to major changes in your life that you didn't choose to make. But doing an ostrich impression won't help. You can't make him do anything differently - but you can, and should, make him aware how it looks from the outside, and let him know that you're there to support him if he needs it, and what options are open to him. If you think he's not hearing what you're saying, maybe try writing it in a letter to him, just saying that you're concerned that he's unhappy and you want to help.


Now youre saying the daughter should be sorting him out.
I still think the wife should be giving him a nudge. At least mum might then sit up
and take a bit of notice.

Confused.............

MyRubyRed

McKneff wrote: »

Seems mum is a bit too busy with her own life to even notice, (no offence intended, we all do this at some time or another) she maybe just needs a bit of a nudge from you

Maybe mum is just getting on with things to bring in some money and not rock the boat...as often happens. She's not his keeper and neither is his daughter

Amanda65

It sounds as though your dad may be suffering from depression and needs something to give him a purpose to his day/

Would he consider volunteering for a charity? His local library will have details of charities looking for help from practical day to day stuff to becoming a Trustee - there may even be an occupational benevolent fund related to his previous job (I work for a charity for sales reps and their dependants) and charities are always looking for help. You never know, it may even lead to employment for him and if not he will feel as lthough he is doing something worthwhile.

belfastgirl23

Perhaps you could do a bit of sleuthing on his behalf and find a charity etc that really does need help from someone like him. There are charities where you can drive people cancer patients to and from treatment. There's also a great organisation called Tools for Solidarity who refurbish old hand tools for use in Africa. Many organisations also are desperate for people with specific skills to come onto their boards if that might appeal to him.

I know we have volunteer bureaux in Northern Ireland who are very good at finding people the right volunteering opportunity for them. You might be able to find this in your local area.

The other thing might be to ask him to come along to a night class etc to keep you company?

He's lucky to have you, don't give up on him.