Preventing worsening debt

Careful_girl

I don't pay anything of his. The joint account is for all the dds and was for the food and petrol. Now I am paying for my own petrol and all the food from my account and he pays for his petrol. Untill recently I had persuaded him to pay off his cc every month. Now he is paying the required amount. I want to keep my name on the joint acc and remove his. I will pay all the costs just need a bit more. He refuses to look at the finances. He can't cope with it.
CG

Bestthingsinlifearefree

Careful_girl wrote:

Look, I am not really on here to discuss my marriage. This is not the question with all due respect. I am concerned about his debt. I cannot force him to get a job. If it was the other way round I would be taking any work. For some reason he won't. I am trying to protect my finances. trying to protect myself from being linked to his debts.
CG.

When you get married it is together for richer or poorer or sickness in health..

Is your aim to stay in the marriage but minimize the damage he can do to the finances ?

(which I can understand e.g it could be the same if you were married to a gambler or a spendaholic).


Or is the aim to protect your financial position (and his as much as possible) in anticipation of a divorce ?


Or in fairness to you maybe the situation is up in the air at the moment and you want to look at your options in case it goes to either scenario.

I think you need some very, very serious heart to hearts with your OH and explain the marriage is on the line and do you both want to save it or not ?

I wish you well.

rchddap1

It can be hard for a bloke. If he is use to giving you access to all the money for everything you need then you taking over could be hard for him. All of a sudden he's gone from providing for his family, to being little more than a drain on finances.

Now you are keeping him. Personally I don't care who pays the bills, as long as they are paid. But my OH being a bloke likes to be seen to 'take care of his family'. Perhaps your OH's way of doing that was by bringing in loads of cash from his fantastic job.

Getting a temporary job still would take him back to the way things were. It wouldn't bring in the same amount of money he was earning before. If he was given all this stuff in the past perhaps he has convinced himself that eventually someone will give him his dream job. All he has to do is wait for it to happen.

Its all 'cant's' in his life. He can't pay for this, he can't buy that, he can't take the family on holiday, he can't put enough into the joint account for the bills.

Dream worlds can be very comforting when your life is crumbling before your eyes.

8pnoodles

You obviously already are but I'd definitely juggle your finances so things would be ok for you if you both split up. I split with my ex when we both had big debts, but he agreed about how to split the finances (pro rata based on salary)... what would yours do do you think?

He does sound like he needs something to happen to snap him out of this wallowing in his own situation that he's doing.

I would look at both scenaros, look at staying together and work out the best way to protect your finances, and then look at splitting up and figure out what your plan would be.

Regardless of in the relationship or out, please put yourself first. You work hard for your money, you deserve to reap the benefits of it. I guess in a marriage you want to work together as a team so one supports the other. I'm about to get married and quit my job to live with my other half. But he has made it really clear he'd be uncomfortable about supporting me for too long. I'm going to get a job doing anything asap when I get down there, I'm applying for stuff now. He knows I am going to try my hardest to get work, so he is happy to support us both until I've found something. Relationships for me are a two-way street. [Hugs] to you, you sound like you're in a really difficult position.

Is he claiming JSA or anything like that? That would help you both out.

Careful_girl

Look I want to look after us as best I can. You don't know anything about me or my husband. I can only support him so much. This is an unbelievably hard time for both of us. I am trying my utmost to support him. I cannot say what will happen. I do feel abandoned and let down. However i am trying to be positive and sensible. Like some of said i want to prevent him getting either of us into too many problems. I appreciate your remarks to a certain extent but I am not asking whether to leave him or not. You lot cannot answer that. If I had posted this on the relationships part of the forum then fine. I want advise on preventing debt. I don't want to be on here in 6 months if I can do something now.
CG.

rchddap1

I was simply responding to your posts thinking about how your partner may be feeling right now. It is a very hard time for him at the moment....and that is rubbing off on you and everyone else around him.

I'm not sure what more financial advice can be given based upon what you have already stated. The only thing left is if you post details of your 'statement of affairs' for people to see if there is anything else that can be done.

lynzpower

Careful_girl wrote:

Thanks again guys.
I agree. I want to help him grow up. He never had a job as a teenager. When he had no car that worked his dad bought one for him. I bought the next. Everyone is so kind to him and he will get a job in his career. He just thinks he is above the temporary job. He would probably enjoy having a temp job. He loves gardening. He expects everyone to look after him. I have worked at all sorts of things. If it was me making him move out of his palace he would physically put me behind the till at Tesco. I don't mind losing the house. I will pay for everything I can. I have not complained about no luxuries. This is my 6 weeks off. I can't afford to see my friends. Nothing. He does nothing in the house at any time (sorry he does the ironing). He just complains about there being no change in the job situation or about me.
CG.:beer:

With the greatest of respects darling, maybe you need to stop. You have not complained about no luxuries, you are using up your 6 weeks off, and it all sounds pretty miserable, he would think nothing of you getting a 2nd job, or going behind the tills to keep him in the manner that he is accustomed to.

Now Im sure its tough for him, my OH has been out of work for a week and a half and hes taking it really hard. but the bottom line is marriage is a partnership and you BOTH need to be working at getting things better, not just you slogging your a55 off to keep the roof above your head. Again, with the greatest of respects it sounds to me like you feel ytou are being taken for granted, and there really is nothing worse, especialy when you are going all out to do what you can.

Personally, Id pull the money. Id ask him to organise cooking out of the cupbards as you have no money to pay for food and other incidentals. He is choosing to get into debt over getting a job. Im sorry, but that is the blunt fact of the matter. If he thinks its possible to live on your income alone, fine, then he needs to juggle things to show how it can be done.

We found ourselves in a bit of a rut the other day, and a really long talk about it outside of the flat in a park, was not only overdue but essential. We now have things to do lists each -every day, and once we have completed our own tasks then we can chill. Most of them involve looking for jobs, but not aimlessly flicking on the internet too much as it can be quite sapping. This means we motivate each other instead of being in the doldrums.

*hugs*

Bestthingsinlifearefree

To minimise debt deny him access to all credit, get your salary paid into your account only, cancel all his credit cards or joint credit cards, run credit checks, (e.g Experian to check he is not applying for credit in secret). Get the mortgage just in your name (so he cannot remortgage it),get him to cancel all bank overdrafts. Get him to hand over his cheque book etc etc Take all savings out of joint A/C and put them in your A/C.

shut down any and all possible avenues to credit / debt.

Basically take complete control of all the finances if he will let you.

If he has got no income and no access to credit it will be hard for him to worsen your financial positon.

Whether that course of action will help deal with the underlying issues or strengthen the marriage is another qu:

Careful_girl

This is very hard. I don't want to discuss how my husband feels. I don't want to discuss the rights and wrongs of our finances. It is hard to separate them. I don't want to prove how much I care for my husband or want to protect our marriage. I just want to prevent us getting in to too much debt. I might have to face the fact that not only is he not going to get a job but also he will not be sensible with our money. i want to protect everything i can.
CG.

lynzpower

Careful_girl wrote:

This is very hard. I don't want to discuss how my husband feels. I don't want to discuss the rights and wrongs of our finances. It is hard to separate them. I don't want to prove how much I care for my husband or want to protect our marriage. I just want to prevent us getting in to too much debt. I might have to face the fact that not only is he not going to get a job but also he will not be sensible with our money. i want to protect everything i can.
CG.

Ok, you just want to prevent us getting into too much debt.

the bottom line, i mean, you know it, minimise outgoings- can you do this any more? Increase incomings? Has everything that can be sold on ebay- listed & selling? Without getting a job, then debt beckons. really thats all there is to it.

Is he signing on?