advice needed 5 months married and he walked out

coolcait

lindsey_toffee_girl wrote: »

Hi All I apologise if this gets long, I was with my partner for 12 years we got married in august and at the end of Janauary he walked out.

Its all a bit strange, this all began as I couldnt pick him up in the snow and he had to stay at his Mums, his car broke then the tumble dryer lap top and the telly. Obviously it was all my fault.
On the night it happened he said he needed to go to his Mums cos he couldnt stay that night, he tried to take my car to go in, I stopped him from doing that.
The next day he rang me and I asked when he was coming back he said never, he gave no real reason as to why he left, he said he loved me but couldnt be with me.
One of my family members seen him out with a girl on valentines day, in costcol, this really upset me as we had our honeymoon booked we were meant to be in New York while he was out with her, I still didnt ring him as I thought that is what he would have expected, me kicking off.
Then I had no contact for a month, I finally gave in and rang his Mum, he has no mobile phone, I had a huge row with her which resulted in him ringing me up and basically telling me it was all my fault that he had left and I was selfish and didnt care for him. He said the girl he was with was his mates girlfriend as his friend was buying a TV, how convienent!
He said he would ring me the next day and that was 5 weeks ago!

We have a house together and now we are married and I dont know what to do,I dont want him back after the way he has treated me but I do need to speak to him,, but that will mean agian having to go thorugh his Mum, who hates me!
I want him to sign over the house to me, not sure if he will though, so this is making me feel sick as of the uncerainty. I cant really afford the house on my own till september, so everyone is telling me to try and hold out until then. He has paid the last two months mortgage and money though I am worried that he will just stop it I dont understand how a person can do this, walk away like they never knew you!
Also I really want to divorce him do I know have to wait 2 years.
I feel like I will never feel any better than now I am so down all the time and dont know how to snap out of it.
Again sorry if this is long, it just feels good to get it off my chest, thanks for reading any advice is greatly appreciated.

I feel like I'm always the person who says 'huh?' to posts on here, when everyone else seems to be saying 'oh, you poor thing!'.

Sometimes that's just because of the way I see the world; sometimes it transpires that I've been giving a 'whole new world' point of view to a regular poster.

That may mean that other people know background that I haven't seen. It may mean that they're getting the benefit of the way they've been assessed from the posts they've made.

I read your post and these bits jumped out at me:

"he said he needed to go to his Mums cos he couldnt stay that night, he tried to take my car to go in, I stopped him from doing that."

I wonder 'why?' 'Why' did he want to go to his mum's? 'Why' couldn't he take your car?

"The next day he rang me .... I still didnt ring him as I thought that is what he would have expected, me kicking off."

If you had a habit of 'kicking off' then I can see why that would be uncomfortable for him.

Seein a guy with a girl, in Costco - even on Valentine's Day - doesn't scream 'romance' to me.

"I had no contact for a month, I finally gave in "

By your own account, you didn't ring him; you didn't believe him when he rang you, and you are aghast that he could believe you're selfish and don't care for him.

You don't want him but you want the house. Yet you are still aghast that he could believe you're selfish and don't care for him.

I'm afraid I have no advice for you.

Lilith1980

Yes you have to be married for a year before you can get a divorce and as others have said you could file for unreasonable behaviour.

Not sure what he's playing at but if you want rid I suggest unreasonable behaviour. Might not get adultery as wouldn't he have to admit to that? If he gets a petition with that on it he may refuse to sign and that could cause some hassle.

When it comes to financial issues I think you can get a financial consent order drawn up which details who gets what and if either of you go back on this the other person can take 'measures' against the other.

Hope you get something sorted hun x

galvanizersbaby

Lilith1980 wrote: »

Yes you have to be married for a year before you can get a divorce and as others have said you could file for unreasonable behaviour.

Not sure what he's playing at but if you want rid I suggest unreasonable behaviour. Might not get adultery as wouldn't he have to admit to that? If he gets a petition with that on it he may refuse to sign and that could cause some hassle.

When it comes to financial issues I think you can get a financial consent order drawn up which details who gets what and if either of you go back on this the other person can take 'measures' against the other.

Hope you get something sorted hun x

Yes - he would - and I'm not sure that being seen out with a girl in Costco would be sufficient grounds to petition for adultery.

OP - regardless of his family I think you need to meet up face to face to discuss matters - is there no way you can contact him and meet after work to sit down and attempt to find a way forward - or at least find out what's going on?!

floss2

lindsey_toffee_girl wrote: »

...Its all a bit strange, this all began as I couldnt pick him up in the snow and he had to stay at his Mums, his car broke then the tumble dryer lap top and the telly. Obviously it was all my fault.
On the night it happened he said he needed to go to his Mums cos he couldnt stay that night, he tried to take my car to go in, I stopped him from doing that......

....One of my family members seen him out with a girl on valentines day, in costcol, this really upset me as we had our honeymoon booked we were meant to be in New York while he was out with her, I still didnt ring him as I thought that is what he would have expected, me kicking off.

Then I had no contact for a month, I finally gave in and rang his Mum... resulted in him ringing me up and basically telling me it was all my fault that he had left and I was selfish and didnt care for him....

....We have a house together and now we are married and I dont know what to do,I dont want him back after the way he has treated me ....

....I want him to sign over the house to me ....... I cant really afford the house on my own till september......

OP, please can you explain the following - I'm a bit confused....

Why couldn't you pick him up? Why did you stop him taking your car?
Why were you not on your honeymoon in New York in February?
Why did you leave it for a month to contact him?
Why don't you want him back? Exactly what has he done?
Why should he sign the house over to you? Why can't you afford to keep the house "until September"?
Why did you get married? Because you love him, because you wanted the dress & fuss & presents & party, or because you thought you should?

lindsey_toffee_girl

floss2 wrote: »

OP, please can you explain the following - I'm a bit confused....

Why couldn't you pick him up?
My car was stuck in as of the snow so I couldnt go and get it him and he asked e to pick him up at 7 as in thats when he rang me, so I said I would get him first thing the next day
Why did you stop him taking your car?
I didnt let him take my car as why should he tell me he is leaving and go in my car?
Why were you not on your honeymoon in New York in February?
as he left me in january and just did not ring me
Why did you leave it for a month to contact him?
I had no way of contacting him directly he doesnt have a moblie phone and his mum does not give her house number out so I had to go through his mum and ring her mobile
Why don't you want him back? Exactly what has he done?
I dont want him back as 6 years ago when we firsgt moved in together he walked out on me and left me in the lurch, I told him then if he did it again that would be it
Why should he sign the house over to you? Why can't you afford to keep the house "until September"?
I am not saying he should sign the house over to me, this is simply want I have a loan that finished in september which will make it managable for me
Why did you get married? Because you love him, because you wanted the dress & fuss & presents & party, or because you thought you should
I married him because I loved him and wanted to be with him forever

Make-it-3

OP you say he walked out on you six years ago, did this coincide with you moving in together? Sounds like he is a bit of a commitment phobe to me, but unable to stand up and say what he really wants.

I hear what you are saying, he's had his 2nd chance and blown it, and I know you want to move on. Does he still have stuff at your house? Sounds like he hasn't actually come to terms with what he's done yet. But as long as he is still paying for the house why not leave it for a bit. As others have said you need to get past the year mark before you file for divorce, so other than maybe get some initial legal advice on where you stand. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to right now.

lindsey_toffee_girl

yes I think you are right he has an issue with commitment, it was within 2 months of us moving in together which he pushed for! x
No he has nothing left at the house aside from dvds

minnie123

I really feel for you it must be really hard and it's amazing how strong you have been by the sounds of it. How come all his stuff is gone did he take it all on the first night he left or did he come back for it? I think it's extremely cruel how he has gone about this. He owes you an explanation and to at least meet face to face to talk about why he decided to leave you and to discuss what happens next so to speak. I think like as others have said you are going to have to write him a letter. Did you say if you have any mutual friends? What do your friends make of it all? x

Alexl_2

Hi again,
This seems a bit confusing - you say he has nothing left in the house but some DVDs, when did he come and collect his belongings as surely you could and should have talked then to agree finances as he has clearly moved out not just staying somewhere else.
As per my previous post, if you need to talk to him go to his house! Seems a no brainer to me if you really want to sort this out!

jenhug

send a letter recorded delivery to his place of work?