Am I overreacting?

loopyloulou_3

I have just under £10k of manageable debt - which I want to clear as soon as humanly possible to be debt free. I don't really worry too much about it, I just would rather it be gone! and dont want it hanging over me for a second more than it needs to.

My OH has much more (nearer £80k) all unsecured (£25k loan in parents name, 2 other loans and CCs.) He lost his job and contacted all his loans and CCs and made arrangements with them to freeze interest and make minimum payments. He is self employed and makes enough to cover these smaller payments.

I cant help worrying about his debt - to the point I have many a sleepless night about it. I just think of the time and effort it is going to take me to get rid of my debt, with a fixed regular income - and worry that his is much more and going to take a lifetime. I also think, what if he goes bankrupt? I will lose my share of the house I have worked so hard for.

It bothers me when he spends money (on anything!) like going out etc, as he says "I still need to have a life". I disagree! I think it is far more important to sacrifice things in the short term to have a better future. He just thinks I am old before my time and boring!! (My mum says its more that I have my head screwed on!!)

We both own our house (165k mortgage on interest only until next July) with next to no equity.

My OH cant see why I worry so much about it, it is his debt in his name and not my concern. Am i overreacting by sitting up half the night worrying about it and having nightmares about it?

Should I just leave him to get on with it? Or am i right to be concerned?

lynsayjane

awww toots, it's not easy is it. i don't think your overreacting, but i do think you need to find a middle ground. is he out spending silly money all the time or is it a once in a blue moon thing?

i do have to agree that we all deserve to have a life away from being dfw, otherwise we may be plugging away at getting debt free only to find life has passed us by. but if that life involves going out every friday and saturday night it's too much. once a fortnight or something is a sort of happy medium.

have you explained your concerns about the house etc to him? does he know just how much it upsets you? has he actually had a lightbulb moment of his own, or does he still not see his debt as a problem?

loopyloulou_3

I have explained to him about it several times - why it worries me and how it could have a negative impact on my finances. He is just of the view that when his business takes off he will be able to pay his debt off in no time at all, with no concern for "what if it doesnt take off?" He just says that I am always negative about it and that I shouldnt worry. Obviously there is little I can do about his debt, and therefore shouldnt waste my time and energy worrying about it - but I cant help it!

I dont think he understands how serious the situation is with his debt.

Broken_hearted

Are all the debts secured on the house or the business?

loopyloulou_3

netiher
all unsecured.

isgman

Think that you both need to sit down an d have a long talk about the "problem" before they get out of hand.. the old saying.. out of little acorns... don't let you problem become an Oak Tree.. Talk...

nearlyrich

My OH cant see why I worry so much about it, it is his debt in his name and not my concern. Am i overreacting by sitting up half the night worrying about it and having nightmares about it?

People have different reactions to risk/debt etc, he might be unconcerned but he might be putting a brave face on it.

Should I just leave him to get on with it? Or am i right to be concerned?

Only you can answer that one really, can you put a time limit on how long you can stand the uncertainty, when will he accept that he is in deep wotsit and get a job that brings in enough to live on and make an impact on his debts?

Hugs to you what ever you decide, from experience it's better to be in a relationship where both parties have similar views on subjects like money.

lynzpower

Hun

You know what I think

Heres how I see it stands

You are wanting a better life for yourself
You are doing the sensible thing and sorting yourself out
You have tried to help turn his lightbulb on, and despite your efforts no change has taken place
He owes 80K.
Every time he spends money that 80k is either growing, or staying stagnant, not reducing.
He has made some little noises, but I suspect to stop you money-nagging
Despite threats of court and the like, this hasnt made him motivated to sort the problem out.
Yes, its a nice idea about you not worrying about him but how practical or feasible is it? You worry about his debt as it affects you and your relationship. I dont think you can ever not let it bother you, as its such a worrying thing. As you say yourself, you cant help it.

How about relate? Would that help?

loopyloulou_3

this is my problem. He might be nearer his LB moment than ever before, but how long do i sit around waiting. He always manages to convince me that "next month things are gonna be better" and "dont worry about my debt - i have it under control". But i cant help thinking that when I am debt free I want to be able to do things, like go on holiday (after saving for it!!) and get married, have kids, all the things that I will never be prepared to do with a huge amount of debt over my head, regardless of whose name it is in. I just dunno if I should cut my losses now and start over, or wait around for him to get his act together.

lynzpower

If you wait for him to get his act together, how long is that peice of string?

What do you do in the meantime? Carry on feeling ignored, and that your needs are not important, as you lie awake at night waiting for the bailiffs to come knocking. Thats my fear. And I dont think that this is any life for you, I really dont

Hugs xx

Joe_Bloggs

For a business to take off it often requires cash flowing out of the business before it can flow in. This is where most businesses fall over. This is probably going to happen unless your OH can find a key to success.

We both own our house (165k mortgage on interest only until next July) with next to no equity.

It looks like you own next to nothing. Perhaps keep it that way if the present circumstances continue. Are there proper accounts to this business. Does your OH have the training to manage a business. Do you know the whole story ? What do your credit reports say ?
J_B.