CSA Please help!!

Frustrated_Newbie

Hey

Firstly, I am the future wife of a man paying his ex gf maintenance for their 7 yr old daughter.

At this point, I have become so stressed out and frustrated today that my boss has told me to go home from work as I'm too upset to be there. I would really appreciate some advice from anyone who has a bit of knowledge on this. I'm sorry for the long story below, I think I really need to just get this out!

Our situation is....

My partner was with his ex for a few months 8 years ago and they then mutually agreed to split up. He was told months later that she was pregnant. He offered help and support to her for the child but she was "cold" from the start. She didn't even tell him when the baby was born. He wasn't named on the certificate either.
So as his daughter was getting a bit older, like 2 or 3, the ex finally decided she wanted to get her nights out at weekends again so began getting my partner to babysit when it suited her. He of course wanted to spend any time he could with his daughter so was happy to be at the ex's beck and call. He also gave her cash every week/month to help out. We got together when his daughter was about 3 and we still took our share of babysitting as we didn't want our relationship to have a dent on his with his child. The ex didn't like the fact that he has a new gf and did a "moonlight move" back down to Kent. We went to lawyers as we hadn't had any contact for months and no idea where they went. Tracers eventually found them as she was claiming benefits down there. We tried for access for him but she would only allow supervised access, making out that he was going to "steal" his child! Pot, Kettle?!?!
So for a while, we arranged a private agreement with the mother to pay an amount every month which was a little bit lower than the CSA reccomended. We were hit by the credit crunch a bit and it worked for us, she also said it was better for her as it wouldn't affect her benefits. We weren't too pleased with that as she wasn't declaring we were paying her!
She's now decided that she wants to go through the CSA, which I think was a threat just to get us to put her money up. We're also getting married in July this year and hoped his daughter could be a flower girl, which the mother had been happy about! She now decided she wanted an invite too!!!! So obviously she was told this wouldn't happen and she's pulling the plug on the child being involved. We decided that enough was enough, we rang the CSA and told them about the money situation and started the ball rolling to pay monthly through them. We ceased the private payments to go into the mother's account as we don't want to be duped into paying twice! We're happy to pay it all if the csa decided to backdate anything for this.

Now the mother is saying that when we get married, the CSA will take a % of my wages also?!?!?! As I've been told by the mother constantly for years, I have nothing to do with the child, so why should I be paying out of my wages???

Any help or advice would be so appreciated right now folks as I'm at the end of my tether with this. We have done everything the mother asked of us, also sending down extra parcels to help out as the ex kinda likes pleading poverty alot, even though we know how much she's getting between us and her other child's father. We just don't know what to do and I'm afraid it's starting to take effect on mine and my fiance's relationship, which isn't ideal as it's 4 months before our wedding.

Soubrette

Don't worry - the CSA will only backdate payments from when they made contact with your partner.

If you are on CSA2 (it seems like you've only just involved the CSA? if so that will be the case) then the payments will be a straight 15% of your partners net income reducing for any nights the child stays over (52 nights a year make a 1/7 reduction, 2/7 for a 104 night a year stay etc).

Access is separate from maintenance. In your partner's position I would be inclined to go to court and get a proper access. Would your partner consider joining families need fathers, they can offer help and advice on the access issue.

Finally, I wouldn't give anything directly to the PWC as extra, if I had extra that I wanted to spend on my child then I would spend it on them directly and have the pleasure of that myself.

Good luck

Sou

Frustrated_Newbie

She had said she contacted the csa about October but to be honest, we don't think she did as she doesn't want her benefits cut. We have no issues paying for his daughter what so ever. We would never shy away from responsibilities but we truly don't believe a word the mother says and she uses the daughter as emotional blackmailing tool every chance she gets. We're just at our wits end as we have done everything thats been asked, and more! No matter what, we're the ones getting punished if she has one of her loopy turns and she decides the situation doesn't suit her.

borders_dude

Hope it all works out okay, but dont be surprised if there are a few hiccups with the CSA. They are commonly known to be unfit for purpose, and by default this also means the staff are not fit for purpose either.

Frustrated_Newbie

Thanks, at this point I'd just lik to be able to forget about all worries and stress of it all and trying not to let this interfere with our own relationship.

missmontana

I would say you've done all you can for the time being. Try to keep lines of communication open, but don't pander to her or her demands. If she didn't declare all the maintenance he gave her in the past then its actually fraud, but I guess you don't want to rock the boat any more.

It was almost like reading the side of the story from my ex's fianc!, only I've never been any trouble to them, maybe I should show him so he can see how lucky he is to have me as an ex!!

Good Luck!

markeymark

missmontana wrote: »

I would say you've done all you can for the time being. Try to keep lines of communication open, but don't pander to her or her demands. If she didn't declare all the maintenance he gave her in the past then its actually fraud, but I guess you don't want to rock the boat any more.


Good Luck!

just read this and all i can say is she is using the child as a pawn, similar story to what i went thru ex threatening to stop access etc, get to court and get official access and secondly report her for fraud, i done it to my first ex and it frightened the crap out of her, seems like she tjinks she is in control but when the child gets older she will realise her dad was always there for her and then will be able to form her own opinions

good luck and stick in there

Frustrated_Newbie

Thanks for your comments folks. We barely get any access at all as it is anyway so it wouldn't be like we're going to suffer any further than we already do! We're lucky if we get to see her once a year for a couple of days!

Do you know if once we get married, they'll take my wages into consideration as well?

Soubrette

Soubrette wrote: »

If you are on CSA2 (it seems like you've only just involved the CSA? if so that will be the case) then the payments will be a straight 15% of your partners net income reducing for any nights the child stays over (52 nights a year make a 1/7 reduction, 2/7 for a 104 night a year stay etc).

Sou

Your income will not be taken into account.

However on a personal note, its the child's right to have a relationship with both parents. If I were your partner I'd be fighting tooth and nail to give her that right.

Sou

Frustrated_Newbie

He really does what he can. As she moved as far south as she could and we live in Scotland, it costs hundreds of pounds each time he tries to visit. He asked the mother how many times in the week he's allowed to ring his daughter and she said once a week. So he rings when the mother says to ring every week. Yet again, we just don't know what to do. We really can't afford to seek legal representation at the moment as we have alot bills and trying to pay for our wedding. If we'd known how much hassle the mother would be giving, we would've postponed the wedding altogether! Kinda have enough stress just dealing with that!

moomoomama27

Do you know if once we get married, they'll take my wages into consideration as well?

Because an application has only recently been made to the CSA, you will go onto the CSA2 workings out for CM. In this case your wages won't be touched, and you do not (and should not ) provide them with any information about your earnings.

Basically all they can take is 15% of your partners earnings after tax/NI each month. Whether you are married or not.