OH's job, my job and moving..

Curious_George_2

not trying to be difficult but didnt you see this coming?
you say you have been together for 18 months, i assume he was already studying this specialised subject when you met? if its common knowledge that when he was finished that his best options lay in another country didnt you think one day he would want to move to where his prospects are better?

personally i would take the good advice already given here... long distance relationships can and do work IF he really is "the one", believe me... ive done it,
i wont lie to you though, its not always easy

if his attuitude really is as black and white as "well...your coming with me" ask him to turn that around.... why is it a given that you should 'just' move abroad when its never entered his head to 'just' stay here to be with you?

good luck with whatever you choose

SP123_3

I wouldn't move anywhere if he didn't have a job. I have been in a similar situation, and I had to give up my job to move to the US as the trailing spouse. Difference was my OH had a job to go to (almost impossible to get into US without one).

Don't underestimate how stressful such a move is. I have not got my head around it yet - it takes months. And we had lots of information and knowledge of what we were dealing with. I think that information is essential - you can't just give up everything and go on a whim. You need to know you will actually survive and be able to function.

pug_in_a_bed

Curious_George wrote: »

not trying to be difficult but didnt you see this coming?
you say you have been together for 18 months, i assume he was already studying this specialised subject when you met? if its common knowledge that when he was finished that his best options lay in another country didnt you think one day he would want to move to where his prospects are better?

personally i would take the good advice already given here... long distance relationships can and do work IF he really is "the one", believe me... ive done it,
i wont lie to you though, its not always easy

if his attuitude really is as black and white as "well...your coming with me" ask him to turn that around.... why is it a given that you should 'just' move abroad when its never entered his head to 'just' stay here to be with you?

good luck with whatever you choose

Yes saw it coming but we had hoped he would get a years post doc at uni and its fallen through so things are happening a lot quicker than we anticipated lol!

Anyway, he's slightly crackers at the moment as hes writing up lol, but we've had a really good thrash out about it and feel loads better; his outlook is getting a few more colours in apart from black and white now luckily

ceridwen

Errata wrote: »

Different PhD's different experiences, but the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship is shared vision, values and goals. Even for milkmen !

I so agree.

That is SO important and it only dawns on people once they get a bit older (errr....<cough> my sorta age) JUST how important that is.

With the shared vision/values/goals - then you have the "rock on which to build". If someone has fundamentally the same outlook on life as you have yourself - then decisions/conversations are all much easier. A similar way of thinking and acting "smooths the path". If two people are very different - then they might even tell you are "wrong" because of stupid little things like the way you arrange things in the home - and re-arrange it deliberately:cool:.

Don't make assumptions you think/act the same way and from the same viewpoints - check it out to see if you actually do.

Make very sure that neither of you is making joint decisions on your own - ie deciding something that affects both of you without the other one getting their equal say about it (that is something that is SO SO common that one can spot multiple examples of it any day of the week on MSE...).

ailuro2

note this thread was dredged up for a bit of spamming...

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ceridwen

ailuro2 wrote: »

note this thread was dredged up for a bit of spamming...

I reported them earlier today - MSE obviously hasnt got round to deleting this post yet.

spudnik

Ok well i have been through this:

OH's job moved to the states for 2 years, he had previously had been over there for 2 three month stints.

Came home from work one day to be told we were moving in 8 weeks. I must say i wasn't as shocked as i could have been as he liked it over there and he had talked about how much i would like it there too.

But i had a job in a company where people stay there forever, so they hardly ever have openings it was a 5 minute walk from home, where as all previous jobs i was travelling 75 miles a day, the money was good and i liked everyone there.

In the end we went because financially we would be better off.

There were downsides. I left a job i loved, i was not allowed paid employment (but did volunteer work) so at first it was VERY isolating, Tax is a huge pain, having no credit record in the country you are going to can mean having to put down huge deposits for utilities, doing the driving test. Lots of little annoying paper work and immigration was a nightmare even with a visa, it seemed to make it worse.

the good sides were we had more time together as with not working all the house work was done before OH got home so every minute together was full on together time, we have grown closer because of this, we argue less and financially are better of for having done this. Exploring a new country is a fascinating experience you see far more than you would had you just gone on holiday there.

If you asked me if knowing what i know now would we still have done it, i would say yes, it was a short term pain for long term gain situation, but would we do it again the answer would be no.

For you maybe it would be best to take a six month break from your job (you never know they might agree) then both agree to a 6 mth trial if either of you don't like it you BOTH agree to come back.