OH's job, my job and moving..

pug_in_a_bed

thanks for all your replies, they've just clarified all the things i was confused about.

Waited to reply before talking to my oh

We've agreed that once he moves away, his base will be here with me, home every other weekend. We're going to see how it goes for a year with my new job and his, he will also see if he can get work here. On the one hand, will be hard to be without him when I;m used to him about, but lots of nice long weekends wherever he ends up working

my parents were really worried i was going to give it al up to be a housewife lol, no chance!

Lots of benefits to his job, we should be able to buy a house and stuff with our wages combined and things like that.

Thank you again, you've all clarified things so well. He read through aswell and agrees he needs to get his romantic head out of the clouds!

Miss_Imaginative

Glad to hear you've got it all sorted out pug_in_a_bed. :j The resolution you've come to is what OH and I did last year when he got his job up north - it really works out well to allow him to settle in the area and to decide if they really want to stay there long-term (mine did, hence why I moved up and joined him). The long weekends are fabulous and I won't lie, the weeks are hard, but it makes you and your relationship all the stronger for it.

Good luck!

Miss_I

Susan_Frost

I think you have made the right decision.

To move, etc. etc. when you have not even lived together yet - wow - that would have been risky.

Hope it all works out wonderfully over the next couple of years.

Good luck

onlyroz

pug_in_a_bed wrote: »

My oh is finishing his phd. The nature of his subject means that unless you want to be a lecturer, there is no work in the uk, its in europe and usa.

That's nonsense - a PhD is a highly valued qualification and there are plenty of UK employers (outside of academia) who would consider someone with a PhD extremely favourably. I've got a PhD in Physics and so far I've used it to get jobs in the agriculture sector and then in software engineering.

pug_in_a_bed

onlyroz wrote: »

That's nonsense - a PhD is a highly valued qualification and there are plenty of UK employers (outside of academia) who would consider someone with a PhD extremely favourably. I've got a PhD in Physics and so far I've used it to get jobs in the agriculture sector and then in software engineering.

Its really, really specialised, without giving the game away as I wouldn't want to id myself, and he wants to continue working in the exact field he has been researching which limits his jobs.

euronorris

pug_in_a_bed wrote: »

Its really, really specialised, without giving the game away as I wouldn't want to id myself, and he wants to continue working in the exact field he has been researching which limits his jobs.

I understand, it is possible to be highly specialised and not find work in the UK.

My OH is the same. He could work in other fields, of course, but that is not where his experience and knowledge lies and it's not what makes him happy. I wouldn't want him to move back to the UK and do a job he hates, just because I wanted to live there. It wouldn't be fair on him. But, luckily, I don't want to go back to the UK just yet, maybe never.

And, after your OH has spent so much time studying this specialised area, it would be a shame for him to take a job in a different field 'just because'. So, unless he needs a job, just to keep the money coming in, then I think he should follow his dreams and dream job. (And so should you)

SugarSpun

I have an extremely specialised PhD and was in your partner's position - I found a job outside where we lived and he (also a PhD, but a much more transferable one) already had a good job at home. He didn't like the idea of learning a new language and although his company had a base in the city I was moving to and transfer would have been a matter of going to his boss and saying, Hey, I want to move to $city, he didn't want to. It ended our relationship - we limped along for a while afterwards, but it was so hurtful to me that although he could have transferred so easily he refused to even consider it.

I think you're making the right decision for you, but in the meantime I would also do some research into the area and the sort of job you might be able to get, and ask some preliminary questions of your boss in a hypothetical sort of, My boyfriend is moving to X, and if I wanted to eventually move to X too how would I do that and stay within the company?

Good luck, and I second the settling-in time someone mentioned above - it can be hard to get used to having someone about when you're re-used to having your own space.

belfastgirl23

onlyroz wrote: »

That's nonsense - a PhD is a highly valued qualification and there are plenty of UK employers (outside of academia) who would consider someone with a PhD extremely favourably. I've got a PhD in Physics and so far I've used it to get jobs in the agriculture sector and then in software engineering.

Depends on the phd though - PhD in the ethics of the Ghost Whisperer - not so transferable and I'm guessing employers wouldn't be queuing around the block.

Also if he wants to keep working in the field that presumably he enjoyed enough to commit 3-4 years of his life to doing a PhD in then he will probably want to work with whoever is best in that field. This might well be one academic department in the world.

All PhDs are not equal

Errata

Different PhD's different experiences, but the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship is shared vision, values and goals. Even for milkmen !

Chick

Just to add my thoughts here- whatever you do, make sure you don't sacrifice too much of yourself and what you want from life. It's important to compromise when you're in a relationship but you both need to make it work so that you are not the only one doing all the running & twisting yourself to fit his situation. That will only make for resentful feelings further down the line- I know cos I've been there, done that!

I think that the trial of seeing how it goes for a year is a good idea- as long as you both know that a more permanent decision/move must be made at the end of the period. One thing with long-distance relationships is that (IMO) you both need to be working towards a common goal/point in the future, rather than just floating along seeing what happens.

I had an LDR that didn't work out when we were in different places in the UK- in the end he wasn't the right guy for me but also that we were headed in completely opposite directions. Also, add working abroad into the mix, that can be a v stressful time getting used to another culture/language/lifestyle even if it's a short low-cost flight away.

I'd say get armed with as much info as possible, but you sound like you're ready to do all that once you know where he's off to. He does sound like he's not seeing all the potential pitfalls, but it's a good job you are & are thinking through all the possibilities in a practical way. Good luck with it all!