OH's job, my job and moving..

pug_in_a_bed

Hello all,
I'm in a small tizzy so thought I would post here to clear my thoughts and see what others think.

My oh is finishing his phd. The nature of his subject means that unless you want to be a lecturer, there is no work in the uk, its in europe and usa. He wants to go somewhere in Europe, likely Norway. To him its very straight forward, ie 'you're coming too'. Ive just got a new job, a good job which has excellent prospects for moving on and as my new boss has put it the kind of place where you can have a job for life. Theoretically we could live on what he earned alone. I don't want that. I couldnt bear the thought of not having my own independence. I know wed be very lucky to be in that position though.

OH will prob be moving in Sept/Oct. We've been together 18 months but its serious, the big one :eek:

I have suggested we see how it goes for a year, its not that far and we'll be earning enough to visit each other every so often, him a great deal more than me lol. He's not happy about this; bless him he is very straightforward and just says just do it, come with. He is a head in the clouds type whilst I am the practical one, which works well for us, he is the one who can calm me down and stop me focusing on the little daft things if you see what i mean.

I say I'm starting a new job I worked hard to get and I can't just up and go six months after starting, its unlikely I would be able to work over there either.

Big sigh. I dont want to lose him. I also dont want him feeling my career comes before him. I've very much a work to live type not live to work, but I love my job and I get a lot of intrinsic pleasure from it which I know I am very lucky to get.

Lots of what ifs I know, for instance he could end up in Holland which is nice and close, closer than norway, which would be better. He is moving in with me in May whilst he finishes writing up till he would leave in Oct.

I had a friend a few years ago who moved to Norway with OH, couldn't work, speak the language and just fell to bits.

I don't know, just seemed ages away and its not now!

feel a bit better I've written that down!

Did anyone else do something similar? Or been through it?

belfastgirl23

I think you'd be crazy to drop everything and move there with him in August. for lots of reasons. Apart from the ones you've clearly articulated here, he might loathe Norway or the job or both. What happens if you give up everything to follow him and then he decides he's changed his mind?

It is a very big ask and the fact that he doesn't see this would worry me. Have you pointed out to him in words of one syllable that he's asking you to give up everything you know and value (apart from him) to go and live somewhere you don't especially want to be and where you have no career prospects? I know it's very easy for someone completing a PhD to be incredibly selfish - because you sort of have to be to get it done - but he needs to step back and look at the situation more clearly.

I think your strategy of seeing how it goes for a year is a good one.

I have been living apart from my DH since August. Different situation, we've been together 25 years, but just to say it is manageable. We do visit every other weekend and talk a lot on the phone etc. The only real thing to note is that it takes 'settling in' time each time we see each other - because we've been together a long time that's ok but in a newer relationship this might take you a while to get used to.

Lots of luck!

Errata

It seems to me that it might be wise to wait and see if he settles in a new country first before any discussion about joining him takes place. There's no guarantee that the first job/country he's in will be what he expected and perfect for him until the end of time. Early doors yet, especially if he's just talking 'somewhere in Europe', possibly Norway. I can't see how you can come to any decision whilst he has still to decide.

myothercarisaferrari

I met someone on holiday who is serving in the army, He's in Afganistan at he moment but we clicked as soon as we met.
I speak to him most days via email, text or phone and he is coming home soon.

If it's meant to be, its meant to be x

Spirit_2

Some years ago we considered a relocation to US for OH work. I loved my job, it was important enough at the time for it to be a deciding factor for us. We stayed in UK & he was redundant (him high earning high flyer - me public sector)

I became the breadwinner he found a new job (lower paid/down shifting/new sector) , my career took off and I have remained the higher earner.

Whatever it is you have to make a joint decision and live with the consequences. No blame. No regrets. No apologies. Ever.

Kay_Peel

If I were in your position, I'd be comfortable with moving abroad if my other half had a firm offer of a well paid job, if I had an idea of where we were going to live, had taken a crash course on the language, and was confident that the prospects for furthering my own career were better than I would get in the UK.

Without any of those conditions, I'd be very wary about the move. Presumably, your other half is going to search for a job and home abroad in earnest over the next few months - so while he's at it, he can research your job prospects too!

I was in your position. The first move was a real hassle, but I followed him and managed to transfer within the organisation. When he announced, just 12 months later that another move was on the cards, the organisation was not so helpful and a transfer was not possible, so I stayed. To tell the truth, I was delighted that a transfer was impossible because my career had taken off and the prosepects were excellent. It was fortunate that I had been forced to stay behind because hubby got an even better position and moved back within 4 months! And then he lost his job and was unemployed for a year - and we thanked our lucky stars that I was earning enough to keep us both.

I'm a cautious person by nature, so I tend to look for certainty and to plan for the worst case scenario. However, a bit of adventure and spice is not to be sniffed at. I think that I would jump at the chance of working abroad, so I do hope that your partner finds a job that will allow you both to have a fulfilling and happy life together while enabling you to move your career forward.

Good luck to you both!

vaio

Spirit wrote: »

......Whatever it is you have to make a joint decision and live with the consequences. No blame. No regrets. No apologies. Ever.

spot on.......

esmf73

personally I wouldn't do it without some form of commitment on his part - and for all you're giving up - I'd call that commitment marriage. I speak from experience having been married to someone in the army for the last 13 years. We've been through all sorts - moving every year or so, I've struggled to get a job in places which has led to be being stuck at home and feeling depressed.

When we had children 6 years ago it was slightly easier as my job was at home looking after them, but I found the small mindedness of other wives (NOT ALL OF THEM) very difficult to live with - as I know others did too. We then moved to yet another part of the UK, and after 18 months moved to Cyprus - which was lovely, but also a VERY long way from home. Not talking family, just familiar things like supermarkets you are familiar with.

Having been back in the UK for a year, and still not able to get a job I've taken the decision to move back with our children to our house (so he'll have to travel). This decision was taken for the benefit of the children, not me. It is a huge amount to ask.

I did have a friend who lived in Sweden for a while with her kids and she said it was fantastic - GREAT schooling.

euronorris

Hi OP!

I moved to Holland at the end of Jan 09 to be with my OH.

However, my situation was different to yours in that a) I hadn't just started a new job b) I was able to transfer my job from the London branch to the Amsterdam branch and c) My firm is paying for my Dutch lessons.

I was also, at the time, looking to take a step forward in my career and make it more interesting.

So, for me the chance to move was really exciting (but still quite scary!).

But, your situation is different to mine, and I completely understand why you aren't prepared to just up and leave. Leaving the country is very exciting, but it's also difficult, scary and sometimes lonely (particularly in the first few months). It's very different to just, moving to another part of the UK for example.

If you've been working really hard at your current job and believe that there is a future there for you, then stick to your guns. I think your idea of seeing how it goes for the first year is a very good one. My OH dated long distance for the first year of our relationship. It was hard, but we made it work with emails, web chats, phone calls, texts etc etc.

If, after the first year, you can't bear to be apart from each other any longer, then you can look at the possibility of moving again then. Or, if you are both comfortable with the arrangement in the short term, you can continue for a while longer.

Either way, you need to hold onto your independance and your own career. Your OH shouldn't see it as you choosing your career over him, you're simply saying that your career is just as important as his is and you're not prepared to jeorpadise it at the moment, but that doesn't mean the situation won't change in the future.

Once he's settled into a new country, you could also start making plans to transition yourself there too. Take language courses, look into jobs (there are a lot of English speaking jobs in Europe by the way), and generally prepare yourself etc.

Good luck xx

Steel_2

Personally, I would think twice before agreeing to go. Your career is just as important as his. There's no reason why he can't go for a few months to see if he gets on there and come back for visits, then if you choose to, when you're ready to move on, perhaps you join him if you have a job lined up to go to.

What happens if he gets out there and hates the company he works for? What then? Plus you'll be stuck there while he's at work on your own..

I had a similar situation rear its head last year, although it didn't work out at the last minute.

I was headhunted for a job in Italy and hubby was horrified, even though we want to retire there one day. We had our house here we were renovating, 3 cats and chickens and cars he was restoring and it was going to be a huge wrench from his elderly parents. Straight away he said no and I don't blame him. He would have been the trailing spouse in a country where he had no job prospects and couldn't speak the language. He does shift work so he wasn't particularly upset to see that go, but it was a lot of personal reasons for staying here.

Over the weeks that followed I kept on talking to the company and the recruiter and we came up with several ideas. We eventually came up with this and hubby agreed and started getting excited:

I was to go to Italy and work for the company as a contractor for a trial period of five weeks to see what the office was like and scout the area for a suitable property where he could have the space to renovate his cars. If everything worked out and I liked it, hubby was going to take some time off work and fly out for the last few days I was there to meet everyone and see for himself what the area was like.

They understood that relocation was tough so they offered flexible working for six months - I would go out for a couple of weeks a month and work from home the rest of the time but six months later I would leave England to work there permanently. Hubby would stay on to finish off the house and get it rented with the aim of eventually joining me by a maximum of six months after that. If we looked like we were going to be there a few years, we would sell the house eventually and buy a place out there.

BUT I was always going to be the breadwinner and would be forking out for everything including visits home to see his parents a couple of times a month. I had no problem with that.

As it turned out, the recession put a stop to the plan and the office in Italy underwent restructuring after losing a massive client so everything was canceled before I got out there for a trial period.

You might find as a bit of a 'head in the clouds' type personality you OH has got excited about it and hasn't thought things through at all.

Would he come with you if the shoe was on the other foot and he had a great job he didn't want to leave behind?

Zimm190

Firstly I would be miffed about the assumption that "you're coming too". Second, he hasn't even got a job yet and you have. His not being able to get a job in this country because his subject is too specialized is very unlikely. My OH is also coming to the end of his PhD, due to hand in around October, and has started looking for jobs - there are plenty around as it's the transferable skills obtained in a PhD that companies will appreciate. It sounds like your OH has decided he wants to move abroad and is using this job thing as an excuse.

Re moving abroad: I currently live in Germany and my OH is in the UK. I was offered this job in Germany straight out of uni, when we'd been together 4 years. It was a tough decision but we both decided I should go for it. He stayed in the UK to do his PhD. As far as our relationship goes, we were never better. We both really wanted it to work, so it did. We phone and Skype daily and see each other every few weeks. We've had the occasional struggle but for the most part it's been an amazing experience for both of us.

I've just found a new job in Oxford and am moving back to the UK next month. OH is now looking for jobs in Oxford and is actually pleased to have somewhere to focus his search!

My point is, it's your decision, not his, as to whether you go with him. It's almost as if he's saying his career is more important than yours and he hasn't even got one yet! It might be better for you to do the long-distance thing for a year or so - it'll work if you both want it - whilst you make the most of your new job here.

Also, it's hard to move to a foreign country and set up a life, I hope he knows it won't be as easy as all that....