How to communicate with my son

immortalprincess

Hello,

My boy is 12 and I feel that Im not communicating with him correctly, and Im not sure what to do.

I always feel that he never listens to me, and Im sure this is normal behaviour, but, whenever his Dad, his grandparents of any of his aunts or uncles speak to him and give him advice he listens to them (even if its what Ive already told him).

yesterday he came home from school and said he had a girlfriend!!!!! he sat all day by his computer and by his phone because she said she would phone him, or add him onto her friends list through msn, so I told him not to be so eager and to do other things, he will hear his phone ring he doesnt need to sit by it, and a message will come up on his computer if she adds him on as a friend, but he just started shouting at me saying I didnt want him to be happy and that I didnt want him to have a girlfriend (by the way im not taking the girlfriend thing seriously or anything, just incase anyone says that i shouldnt be allowing this). However, his uncle and his dad came in and he said the exact same thing and he said okay, so didnt sit by his computer or phone!

This morning, he said he was going to go to KFC for his lunch, I told him not to walk down the lane to KFC by himself because anyone could be hanging around but then he went off one one saying I didnt want him to have any lunch, and wanted him to starve!!!!!!

I just dont know where all this is coming from. He says im trying to complicate his life and make things difficult for him. I dont feel I make things difficult and ive tried to talk to him about it and ask him how he would like me to be, but he just shrugs his shoulders and walks away.

I feel a bit let down by him, but mostly I feel let down by myself because ive went wrong somewhere along the line because of his attitude to me.

Does anyone have any advice about what I can do. Im sorry if this is the wrong board.

Thank you

Gingham_Ribbon

If you're the one who disciplines him and sets the boundaries and rules, it's normal for him to kick against you a bit. He probably also wants you to notice that he's growing up.

eg did you offer any encouragement or support about the girlfriend? ie did you comment on how excited he was feeling or nervous? Did you tell him you were pleased that a girl liked him in a special way? Or was what you said all fairly negative?

re the shop - is it likely that 'anyone' would be hanging around? Lunchtime doesn't sound like a dangerous time for him to take a stroll. Does he want to go out on his own more and are you preventing that?

I suggest reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. It's FANTASTIC!

Pee

Aw...

I think he is taking out the stresses and strains of his life - and it is very stressful when you are 12 and waiting for the phone to ring - on the closest person to him. The one person he can trust to still be on his side whether he treats them properly or not.

I am sure someone will be along with better advice, but sounds to me like you are doing a great job.

mrcow

The two examples you have used, your son has shouted at you. I think I'd be sitting him down (not when he's "off on one" but when he's calmer) and tell him that you're not going to put up with him raising his voice to you.

It's not his place as a 12 year old to be shouting at a parent (or any other adult). If he's angry or frustrated, then he's not to take it out on you.

aliasojo

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

If you're the one who disciplines him and sets the boundaries and rules, it's normal for him to kick against you a bit.

Pee wrote: »

I think he is taking out the stresses and strains of his life - and it is very stressful when you are 12 and waiting for the phone to ring - on the closest person to him. The one person he can trust to still be on his side whether he treats them properly or not.

Agree with these comments.

One thing I would add though, is that whilst this is normal, you don't want it becoming too deep rooted a habit. I'd sit him down and tell him you have feelings too and you will always be there for him but you don't want him always treating you as the enemy.

You're still going to be his sounding off block, but he needs to temper that with a little consideration for you too. If he doesn't, then his treatment of you may escalate and you'll have your hands full when he's 16.

Don't ask him how he wants you to be. There's a fine line between trying to be a good, considerate, communicative parent and a soft touch. He's 12, he wont appreciate what you're trying to do, he'll just see you as the soft touch.

sneezyboots

my 12 year old brother has just started acting like this towards my mum. even more horrible perhaps. he went off on one calling her all sorts of names for letting him know he needed to get ready last week because he had to come to my house so we could go see a footy match as a treat!

from what i can remember i acted horribly towards my mum for what actually was no reason too on occasions and it was probably down to hormones and stress and what not being a teenager. I remember my mum just listening while i screamed at her in tears. she would offer to talk but i would then scream why would i want to talk to her. i would then go to my room and spend an hour or so calming down. i always remember feeling bad afterwards but can't ever remember mustering up more than one apology.

i grew out of it and turned out fine, and actually not having the punishment or boundaries to push meant i never wanted to resist or rebel as their was nothing blocking me. i have never even had one puff of a cigarette, never considered drugs and although i have been drunk, never terribly and i now don't drink. i guess my mum saw that as long as she didn't have to worry about anything illegal with me shouting at her now and again was ok.

i would say that on a few occasions my grandparents mentioned to me that i had upset my mum and it did make me realise even more what i did was wrong which is what i am not trying to do with little brother. hopefully without me trying to come down hard on him and create someone else for him to feud with i can just explain what his actions have caused.

so what i guess i am suggesting, is actually as hard as it is just ride the wave and he will grow out of it, but it might occasionally (but not always or it will become ineffective) have someone to just quietly let him know how his actions have hurt you.

immortalprincess

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

If you're the one who disciplines him and sets the boundaries and rules, it's normal for him to kick against you a bit. He probably also wants you to notice that he's growing up.

eg did you offer any encouragement or support about the girlfriend? ie did you comment on how excited he was feeling or nervous? Did you tell him you were pleased that a girl liked him in a special way? Or was what you said all fairly negative?

re the shop - is it likely that 'anyone' would be hanging around? Lunchtime doesn't sound like a dangerous time for him to take a stroll. Does he want to go out on his own more and are you preventing that?

I suggest reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. It's FANTASTIC!

Thank you for your reply.

He told me first about his wee girlfriend, he got in the car from school and he had a smile of his face, and when I asked why he was smiling, he got all embarrased, and told me. I said that was nice he had a girlfriend and asked him her name and where she stayed. I then said if he wanted to ask me anything about girls or anything to let me know. I didnt say anything negitive, but then again, maybe he thought I was being negitive when I was telling him not to sit by the phone and the computer waiting on her to contact him. I did tell him not to be too eager. He said he was going to take her to the cinema at the weekend (bless) and I asked what film they were going to see, he said he didnt know, so I said he should check online what was on. That was all I said to him about it.

With regards to the lane, Im not sure what the lane is like or even where it is. I know its near the school but thats all. Im sure there are loads of kids who use it, but im paranoid incase he goes down it by himself, he doesnt have alot of friends at school, he is quite shy and quiet and at lunchtimes he doesnt hang abut with anyone. Im like this because I know a family whos little boy was abducted and killed, I cant help it.

I will definetly look out for that book you have suggested. I really want to have a good relationship with him.

immortalprincess

mrcow wrote: »

The two examples you have used, your son has shouted at you. I think I'd be sitting him down (not when he's "off on one" but when he's calmer) and tell him that you're not going to put up with him raising his voice to you.

It's not his place as a 12 year old to be shouting at a parent (or any other adult). If he's angry or frustrated, then he's not to take it out on you.

Thank you. I did have a talk with him about how I felt when was being like this, whether he has taken it in or not, im not sure. We have had these talks before, and I have said to him that I feel that he doesnt bother about me, and has no respect for me, but he says he does bother about me! After we spoke he did come up and give me a hug and told me he loves me, but he doe say that to me quite often. It can sometimes be like jekyll and hyde lol. One day hes such a sweet boy and he next hes a horrible teenager.

jennihen

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

If you're the one who disciplines him and sets the boundaries and rules, it's normal for him to kick against you a bit. He probably also wants you to notice that he's growing up.

eg did you offer any encouragement or support about the girlfriend? ie did you comment on how excited he was feeling or nervous? Did you tell him you were pleased that a girl liked him in a special way? Or was what you said all fairly negative?

re the shop - is it likely that 'anyone' would be hanging around? Lunchtime doesn't sound like a dangerous time for him to take a stroll. Does he want to go out on his own more and are you preventing that?

I suggest reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. It's FANTASTIC!

I'd recommend this as well. I loved it so much I lent it to a friend and never got it back! Grrr

babyshoes

If it gets much worse, perhaps you could use someone he trusts as a mediator, letting each of you explain how you were feeling at the time of the incident?

Savvy_Sue

immortalprincess wrote: »

One day hes such a sweet boy and he next hes a horrible teenager.

And there you have it ...

Also remember you are his Mum. You know NOTHING.

My baby's just turned 18, and I can't tell him anything, because he already knows it, or even if he doesn't I can't possibly know something he doesn't.

I smile ... he's getting better at working out that I might know a few things.