Help needed with childs Grief after dog PTS

adviceforall

When my daughters (22) guinea pig died on christmas day 08 our then 3yr old grandaughter was upset and we explained that she had been poorly and had died, we also found a star and said that was Gerties star and it was looking out for her...Just over a 15months later she still looks up and says (there's Gerties star) and has accepted it..
Hope she feels better soon

foreign_correspondent

hunnycat wrote: »

I had the animals before she was born and when she was able to talk she chose sandy as her dog as he was the best bahaved one! He was such a clever dog, both of them were rescue dogs and sandy was a case of neglect. When we got him he was such a nervous wreck and bore the scars of the beatings he got. He would sit in the corner and cower but after loads of TLC we got to see the real sandy and he was great fun.

What a lovely dog - he was lucky to find you, and lucky to have a little girl who loved him so much that she is grieving for him when he is gone - his first owners clearly had no love for him, but you and your family made up for that. I hope your daughter understands how lucky he was to have you all, as well as how lucky you were to have him around - having animals can teach children so much about love and compassion x

mernieth

I think whats happened here is that your daughter is connecting that sandy was very ill and died and couldnt come back....with your gran who she must know is very ill and its possible she is scared that gran will die and not come back.
perhaps a frank talk about what happens when we die is in order? according to your own beliefs of course. bearing in mind children are often comforted by being told people and pets move on to another world where they are free from sickness and happy and wait for us until its our time too. but thats up to you. I think its cruel to tell kids that when your dead its like you are sleeping or that you just cease to exist.

hunnycat

mernieth wrote: »

I think whats happened here is that your daughter is connecting that sandy was very ill and died and couldnt come back....with your gran who she must know is very ill and its possible she is scared that gran will die and not come back.
perhaps a frank talk about what happens when we die is in order? according to your own beliefs of course. bearing in mind children are often comforted by being told people and pets move on to another world where they are free from sickness and happy and wait for us until its our time too. but thats up to you. I think its cruel to tell kids that when your dead its like you are sleeping or that you just cease to exist.

I have made sure i have not said he went to sleep cause i know someone who done this and their child was petrified to go to sleep incase they never woke up!!
I think its possible hse is making the connection, she is ok just now as she back at school today and seems to have forgotten about it all again. My mum told her he had to go somewhere that he was no longer sick and he could not come back for if he did he would be very ill again.

Again Thank you for all the lovely replies its been a great help .x.x

foreign_correspondent

hunnycat wrote: »

I have made sure i have not said he went to sleep cause i know someone who done this and their child was petrified to go to sleep incase they never woke up!!
I think its possible hse is making the connection, she is ok just now as she back at school today and seems to have forgotten about it all again. My mum told her he had to go somewhere that he was no longer sick and he could not come back for if he did he would be very ill again.

Again Thank you for all the lovely replies its been a great help .x.x

Glad to hear she is feeling happier - Kids deal with grief in short bursts, it seems to me - I have worked with bereaved children, who one moment can be very emotional, reflective, sad and tearful, and the next can be whacking each other over the head with cushions, playing and laughing, or off on some other tangent - it is as if they can only sustain or deal with that deep emotion in installments, rather than continually. She may want to revisit the issue again at some future point, and again, as her ill gran gets more poorly, more questions may surface - I am sure you will manage it all well!

BubblyMumbles

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sandy was lucky to have found such a wonderful family.

I saw or heard, I can't remember where, a child trying to deal with the loss of their pet. It was an older child, maybe 8 or 9, and he said that the reason that dogs don't live as long as humans is because they already know about all the good things in life, how to love and be happy, it takes us humans longer to learn.

I really hope your daughter feels better soon.

xxx

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

I agree with the stars story - i explain to my daughter that the stars are where our loved people and animals go when they die. If we miss someone we can go and look at the stars and know they are happy up there, and if we feel like it we can talk to them. I have also explained graves and cemetaries as we have a small one near us at the church - i explained this was where we put peoples bodies when they die so that they can rest and then they travel up to the stars when they are ready but the reason we do it is so we can put a headstone and write their names and have a place to bring them flowers. So almost that the grave is a symbol but the dead are up in the stars, if that makes sense.

My daughter is nearly 4, she doesn't really understand the ins and outs of death but she does know it means someone or animal leaves us, and she believes they go to the stars to be happy forever. She does get upset about our puppies (litter had to be handraised and we lost a couple from the litter) from time to time but we talk about it and she is ok after.

She does also ask me to read her the headstones in the cemetary everytime we pass through - she understands that as she asks alot of questions.

It's all about being honest, one thing i don't do though is tell her ages of the dead if i can help it as i don't want to unintentionally scare her into relating a particular age with death. She just sees it as either the very poorly or 'old' animals die

Cat72

I used to work as a grief counsellor for children- now moved on to other areas.

I agree with everyones comments about being honest, that is very important.
How about making a memory box with her ?
This is a really good activity where she can keep mementos of things that remond her of sandy- maybe photos, things he liked, maybe a story about him or his collar or tags. This lets her talk about positive things about Sandy and also she keeps the box safe to look at it when she wants. As its her box to keep safe.
I use these lovely heart shaped boxes from papercraft and you can use tissues, glitter, stickers etc to cover it. I usually take a few days with the child to make it- letting them enjoy the process and make it the way they want. She will probably say " oh sandy would like these feathers etc ".
Here is a link to an article about them for ideas .
I would also highily recommend a book called Fred by Posy summers- you might be able to get it at your library. Its a great book for any grieve its about some childrens who cat who dies suddenly , its very well written and also very funny and I use it all the time .
Good luck -people sometimes underestimate how children can be very affected by losing a pet- so you are doing a great job by addressing it so well now. x