Help needed with childs Grief after dog PTS

hunnycat

I posted on a couple of threads recently about dogs being pts and i have managed to cope witht the grief myself but last night my daughter who is 5 had a complete breakdown and we could not console her..

My dog had not lived with us since my son was born as he was getting old and we felt he would be happier with my mum and her dog as its a much quieter household. My daughter always called sandy her dog and always asked my mum on the phone how her sandy boy was doing.

A couple of weeks before he was pts she spent the week with my mum and sandy and had a great time. At the end of feb we were visiting when sandy suddenly took a fit and i rushed him to the vets, they gave him stuff and said if it got worse to take him to the emergency vets. At the time of the fisrt fit my mum just took the kids to the hallway so they couldnt see what was happening.
When sandy came home his fits continued and the vets told us it would take a while for the meds to kick in. Next morning my mum called saying he had got worse so i dropped my daughter off at my grans as i knew sandy was going to be pts.

When we got back we explained to her that he was gone and in doggy heaven, she just laughed and got on with it. The following week sandys ashes came back and my daughter asked what it was and i said sandy.
All has been well until last night (3 weeks after he was pts) when she just broke down and saying she misses him and wants to see him. I have told her she cant see him and he is gone and i miss him too but i really dont know what else to say to her. My mum said he was very sick and had to go away and cant come back as it would make him very sick again.

She seems a bit better this morning but i am looking for ideas or things to say to her to help her come to terms with it, i know its possible that the big cry last night has already done this bt other people exeriences would help.
Also since he has gone her behaviour at school has deteriorated and this was brought to my attention at parents night on Thursday, plus my other gran is terminal with cancer and we visit her often which my daugher notices how ill her gran is.

Thanks in advance & sorry for long post i couldnt condense it!x

RacyRed

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's grief.

Do you have photos of Sandy you can show her when she asks to see him? Maybe looking at photos might lead her to to remembering how much fun she had with Sandy, the bitter sweet approach.

Possibly the delay in her grief was due to Sandy living with relatives, so it is only now your daughter has fully appreciated his absence. I suspect that, because she was able to see him when he first moved away from your home she is having difficulty appreciating why she cannot go and see him now in his new home in heaven (a difficult concept for children to understand).

Might taking her to a local petting zoo/farm at about the same intervals as she used to visit Sandy help distract her from his loss and help satisfy her need for animal friendship?

Would a new dog be a possibility?

I cannot think of anything else for now; poor litte love, it is awful when a child misses a pet.

Silveralice

I'm a vet and my own daughters have been through lots and lots of pet deaths. The two big things I would say are a) don't lie and b) let her be upset if she needs to. It always really worries me when people tell children an dead animal has gone to live with someone else or something similar, rather than explain things truthfully and in a way the child can understand - when such big emotions are involved the child needs to know they can depend on you not to misinform them. People don't like to use words like "dead" to children, but using words like "put to sleep" or "gone away" can actually upset them more, because they wonder if they or other people they know might never come back when they go to sleep or go away; it's generally thought best to explain that death is something different and final. It sounds as if you have done your best to be honest, which is a good thing. Being upset is a normal part of grieving. Nobody likes to see their child upset, but it's completely normal and helps them come to terms with the fact that the pet isn't coming back. What are you going to do with his ashes? Having some sort of burial or scattering ceremony can be really helpful for many children - you could encourage her to draw a picture or write a poem about him if you think that would help her. It is often a bad idea to rush straight out and get another pet, because sometimes the child can resent the new pet for not being the one that's gone, and that doesn't help them form a good relationship, though of course things may be different as he didn't live with you. I expect she is making links in her mind between what's happened with Sandy and her ill gran; this is another reason for being honest and open, telling her the truth about death as you believe it, because it will be easier for her to cope if and when she also loses her gran. As the first shock passes it can be helpful to explain why he died and that it was the kindest thing for him because he was in pain (or whatever). It's a horrible thing to deal with, but most children move on once they have had a bit of time to come to terms with the situation. I hope this helps.

Mutter_2

Hi hunnycat. I wonder if the animated version of Rainbow Bridge may help. Reading the words as they appear.

If you haven't seen it before, do so first as it is very emotional.
http://www.indigo.org/rainbow/

RIP Sandy.

Raksha

My boys always found the Rainbow Bridge story helpful.

purplepardalis

Mutter wrote: »

Hi hunnycat. I wonder if the animated version of Rainbow Bridge may help. Reading the words as they appear.

If you haven't seen it before, do so first as it is very emotional.
http://www.indigo.org/rainbow/

RIP Sandy.

Oh my goodness - that just made me ball my eyes out. And I haven't lost a pet recently. I really don't think I could watch it if I had. Despite knowing that it's not the truth!

Hope your daughter gets over her grief soon.

x

kezzapee

Sorry to hear of the loss of your pet.

My little girl was 3 when we had our dog PTS. She didn't really notice for a couple of days as he had been poorly and spent a lot of time in his basket. But when she did she was very upset. She also had similar episodes of grief a few weeks later which we found really upsetting too.

We told her that Blue had died and would never come back but that he was all better in heaven and chasing rabbits (Oh dear, I'm welling-up now!) We explained heaven as being up in the stars and looked for a bright star to represent him. She often does this now and will usually say something like "Miss you Bluey" And I think it helps her to have somewhere to look at when she refers to him. IYSWIM

We also talk about him when we pass a place where we used to walk, or see a similar dog, or remember something funny he used to do. This way, she can remember him fondly and not as something to feel sad about.

Sorry, no real advice but I hope it helps to hear a similar experience.

foreign_correspondent

Younger children naturally have no concept of death or its permanence - the realisation that we are not immortal can be pretty profound, and is often about more than missing the pet/loved one who has gone - the realisation that death for the dog is a permanent state may well be her first introduction to the idea that life is finite, and may be raising questions in her mind about whether people will die, and whether she will eventually die too... if she has heard her grans condition being discussed, she may be putting the pieces together there too.

I would advise you to be honest, and not use metaphors, but to look at the cycle of life with her, in an open and factual way. You may find ideas like rainbow bridge helpful, if that fits in with your broader beliefs about life and death (eg. if you believe in heaven and an afterlife) - it would make little sense though if it does not fit in with your family's broader beliefs. A little ritual/burial etc in the back garden may help her come to terms with it, and she may want to make a memory box, or picture about him - perhaps using some of her drawings, or photos of Sandy.

Do let her be upset though - grief for a pet is normal, as silveralice says, it is important to let her express her sadness that he is dead, and will not be returning. Suppressing grief is not good, she needs to let it out so she can move on. Be prepared that she may have some questions to ask, and do be open with her as much as you can, appropriate to her age. I once worked with a child who was ill, but they child genuinely feared they were dying, as the parents would not talk about the illness in front of the child, and were whispering with doctors and nurses just out of earshot.. they thought they were being kind..

This may be useful:
http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/for_schools/children_s_understanding_of_death

hunnycat

Thank you so much for all the lovely replies.

We have a dog (Jack) he is what she calls my dog! we also have cats, I had the animals before she was born and when she was able to talk she chose sandy as her dog as he was the best bahaved one! He was such a clever dog, both of them were rescue dogs and sandy was a case of neglect. When we got him he was such a nervous wreck and bore the scars of the beatings he got. He would sit in the corner and cower but after loads of TLC we got to see the real sandy and he was great fun.

We used to have a guinea pig and when she died my daughter helped me bury her, we bought a big pot and buried her in there with nothin but some tissue round her so she saw her body going in the ground which i think helped.

Thanks for all the ideas and support.x

MCMitten

Mutter wrote: »

Hi hunnycat. I wonder if the animated version of Rainbow Bridge may help. Reading the words as they appear.

If you haven't seen it before, do so first as it is very emotional.
http://www.indigo.org/rainbow/

RIP Sandy.

I don't know how a child will cope with that- i'm still trying to compose myself having just watched it!!! The keyboard is a bit soggy It's beautiful.

Mutter_2

This is my favourite by Lord Byron. Epitaph to a Dog.



[SIZE=+2]Boatswain[/SIZE]

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Birth: May, 1803, EnglandDeath: Nov. 18, 1808, England
Lord Byron's Dog. This is the inscription in the stone in Newstead Abbey: "Near this spot Are deposited the Remains of one Who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, And all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This Praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery If inscribed over human ashes, Is but a just tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog, Who was born at Newfoundland, May, 1803, And died at Newstead Abbey, Nov. 18, 1808." When some proud son of man returns to earth, Unknown to glory, but upheld by birth, The sculptor's art exhausts the pomp of woe and storied urns record who rest below: When all is done, upon the tomb is seen, Not what he was, but what he should have been: But the poor dog, in life the firmest friend, The first to welcome, foremost to defend, Whose honest heart is still his master's own, Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone, Unhonour'd falls, unnoticed all his worth, Denied in heaven the soul he held on earth: While Man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven, And claims himself a sole exclusive Heaven. Oh Man! thou feeble tenant of an hour, Debased by slavery, or corrupt by power, Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust, Degraded mass of animated dust! Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat, Thy smiles hypocrisy, thy words deceit! By nature vile, ennobled but by name, Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame. Ye! who perchance behold this simple urn, Pass on--it honours none you wish to mourn: To mark a Friend's remains these stones arise; I never knew but one, and here he lies. Newstead Abbey, October 30, 1808. In the will which the poet executed in 1811, he desired to be buried in the vault with his dog. [SIZE=-1](bio by: Jos! L Bernab! Tronchoni)[/SIZE]

Beyond a five year old, but moving and so true.

" Ye! who perchance behold this simple urn, Pass on--it honours none you wish to mourn: "

Byron too expected no one else to understand how sad it is to lose a dog.