Separating...what do I need to do?

con_fused

Hi all,

My husband and I have decided to separate, however I won't be able to move out of our flat for a good few months as I need to save a deposit for another place (renting), plus bits and bobs I need to furnish the place. Hubby is staying in our flat as it would be too expensive for me to live there on my own.

We rent the flat so no mortgage, no kids involved, no joint accounts or loans, just a joint life insurance plan.

Do we need to inform anyone now about the separation, or do we wait 2 years and then apply for divorce? Does the 2 years start from now or from when I move out of the home?

Also, I do have a worry about the pensions side of things. If hubby and I come to an agreement not to split our pensions is this OK, or would they be split by the court irrespective of whether we wanted them to or not?

Thanks

con_fused

Anyone please?

Or any useful websites anyone knows of?

Thanks

loftus

I think if I recall your previous thread you've only been married a relatively short time so even if the finances were contested the aim would be to put you back into the position you were before the marriage and split equally any assets built up in it.
If you have decided between you what is fair and if there are very few assets I doubt a judge will question it and the pensions won't be an issue after such a short time, plus you're both still young with plenty of time to build up pension provision.
As for the separation. It is possible to be "separated" and still live under the same roof. Ideally you should be living as separately as possible, cooking your own meals, doing your own washing, separate beds (obviously), but as it's just the two of you in reality who is going to know unless one of you changes their minds and decides to contest it.
When the time comes, as yours seems to be very straightforward, you can download all the forms you need from the HM Courts website and do the divorce yourself.

jackieglasgow

con_fused, I have no advice to give you, but wanted to wish you all the luck in the world, I've kept up with your previous thread, and think are a remarkably strong woman. X

con_fused

Thanks to both of you

Loftus I will take a look at that website.

Thanks again.

GracieP

Afaik, if you decide you don't want to wait two years one of you could divorce the other on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I did read your other thread and if a big part of the reason for the divorce is that he has changed his mind about having children I believe the courts would see that as good grounds to end the marriage. So would the fact that he often stays out late drinking sometimes overnight.

I'm not sure what different long-term implications there are for one of you divorcing the other rather than a mutual divorce. Perhaps you could make an appointment with your nearest citizens advice centre? I do know that divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour is the most popular type of divorce as most people don't want to wait two years and even when a divorce is pretty amicable one of the parties agrees to divorce the other for the sake of speed.

Lilith1980

Yeah CAB seems the route to go before getting solicitors involved hun x

con_fused

Thanks GracieP. I don't think the two year wait bothers me to be honest. I may have to think about it as it's still all raw at the moment and thinking about going via the 'unreasonable behaviour' route seems unfair. Hubby feels bad enough about changing his mind about kids as it is so I don't want to rub salt in the wound.

I know before anyone slaps me that the way he was carrying on was unreasonable but that's not why we are getting divorced, but due to him now wanting kids. I'm not angry about him wanting children and don't see his change of mind as unreasonable either. I know I don't have to think it is, and that I may be able to use it to speed things up but I guess for me it's the principle

I think you are right though, I will make an appointment at my local CAB and see what they have to say. I emailed a solicitor who specialises in divorce law just for advice about the two-year thing and he said I can file for divorce now as it's usually better to get the ball rolling sooner rather than waiting for two years in which time either partner can change their mind and withhold consent to divorce.

Having an emotional day today. I keep going through in my mind about there being any way to resolve this but the only way for that would be for me to have children with him, and I could not sacrifice what I want for that. I just feel really helpless and I know it'll get better in time but today is one of the carper days.

Michelin

To be honest, it really doesn't matter what the grounds are if you want to divorce as soon as you can. The grounds are not stated on decree nisi or absolute. It is just a way to get divorced quickly and unreasonable behaviour is not as bad as it sounds. The fact that he has now changed his mind about having children is actually classed as UB for divorce purposes as his behaviour is now unreasonable regarding this ( if you see what I mean). UB is not all about violence etc, it is exactly something like this - the behaviour he is displaying (ie changing his mind about something so important) is unreasonable and for that reason, you feel you cannot continue with the marriage.

con_fused

Thanks Michelin. I guess if I file for divorce and state UB on his part he may not like it...but it's only stating fact. I guess I don't want him to feel any worse than he does.

I hate this I really do, but I will ring the CAB on Monday to go and see them.

He went out last night and hasn't come home although that's not really my concern anymore is it. Maybe I am still in denial, although deep down I know it's for the best. Just had someone on Facebook asking me how my husband is....wish I could just crawl into a cave and stay there for a few months.

maggied_2

((((con_fused))))

I got divorced after a year of marriage, no kids. Although it was what we both wanted it still hurt like hell.

It is fairly straightforward to do especially if there are no assets to split. How long are you planning to stay living together? The day you both move out will be difficult, especially if you carry on living together for quite a while once you've split. You don't need to be wondering where he is when he doesn't come home.

Regarding the reasons for divorce - my XH wanted to state adultery to get it through more easily but I couldn't stand for that to be on record (as far as I know there wasn't any!) so he went for unreasonable behaviour. The reasons he put down were outrageous and it still really hurt even though I knew it was to get it through the court - so I understand why you're cautious.

Good luck - PM if you need a bit of moral support.

C xxx