shy groom?

Nicki

You could perhaps both read the chapter in Alan Bennett's Untold Tales about his parents wedding. Both were very shy so they arranged with the vicar to start the wedding ceremony at 7.30am, say the vows at 8.00 am (the earliest the law allows) and were finished and back at work for their normal start times! No congregation, apart from the witnesses who were strangers to them, and no reception. Nevertheless the marriage lasted until death did them part in old age.

At the end of the day its not how you do it, but the fact that you do it all that makes the difference. I lived with DH for 5 years before we got married, but things did still change after the wedding, and we've now been together another 14 years, and still going strong.

Jay-Jay_4

Awww.. a lovely family wedding is no more daunting than your average Christmas dinner. Ditch the speeches, everyone knows that your happy blah blah blah One of you just say "by the way, thanks for coming... cheers!" and have a nice drinky poos.

Seriously, having had the big traditional ceremony and a VERY small, informal wedding I have to say that the small one meant a million times more to me and there was no pressure to 'perform'.

Let your boyfriend read this thread

seven-day-weekend

We had six guests at the wedding because that was all the 'spare' room in the Register Office would hold, and a reception for about 30 in the garden at my sister's.

Why don't you just invite parents, grandparents, siblings and best friends to the ceremony, have a quiet meal afterwards with just those people (a young friend of mine went to a local Carvery!) and then have an evening disco for others where your OH can 'lose' himself.

beccatt

Thanks everyone - it's very encouraging reading your posts about real, simply weddings that work - and as someone said very refreshing to hear about them for a change... I guess it's just not in the interest of the wedding industry to advertise weddings that don't cost much!!

As for it being fair enough that bf didn't realise I wanted to get married cos I'd never told him, well I think I can accept that, at least I know in our future life together that if something's bugging me I need to tell him immediately, not just wait for him to guess. He's wonderful, but evidently not psychic!!

Interestingly enough, about four out of my eight best friends are going through a similar issue as us - that after a few years cohabiting, the girls see marriage as the next step and are pushing for it, but the boys are quite happy without. I think because marriage isn't a social necessity for couples, it's not quite as clear cut as my parents' era and so it isn't something that you necessarily talk about early on in a relationship. Will have to think of a name for the social trend and write a book about it!

seven-day-weekend's last post really struck a chord with me -
>Why don't you just invite parents, grandparents, siblings and best friends to >the ceremony, have a quiet meal afterwards with just those people (a >young friend of mine went to a local Carvery!) and then have an evening >disco for others where your OH can 'lose' himself.

That's exactly what I've been envisaging recently (although in our case it would have to be around 50 close friends and family) and think we would both enjoy it, with v informal speeches as suggested above

Will keep you posted x

lisa_75

We had an informal wedding. Just me, husband the kids and 15 guests - parents, grandparents and siblings only. If I had my way it would have been just me, husband and the kids! It was great. Went to the registry office first then a sit down meal at a local place. I still had the dress, flowers and the cake, but as were we only paying for a few people to sit down and eat and drink it worked out very cheaply.

My husband and I had been together 13 years and had 2 kids, so I did not want a big fuss or the expense. It was still a very special and emotional day and it was great as the kids were at an age were they will remember it for the rest of their lives.

socmwils23

Well it sounds like i am exactly the same as your other half/husband to be. Me and the wife finally got married april 1st this year after years of negotiating over the wedding.

I hated the prospect of a big wedding with us being centre of attention and when asked said my parents, grandparents and sister as my required guests. She had a list of 50+. Sounds eerily similar to your story doesnt it?

What we did to get around it was compromise. Sounds cheesy i know but it did work. I will put money that your other halfs main dread like mine was is the speech. I would have hated that so didnt do one. Instead we did a more personal thankyou by visiting each table in tuen and chatting with the guests. The though of standing up in a room of 100+ people brought me out in cold sweats event though i would have known most of them.

Second compromise was numbers. She reduced hers to approx 35. Close family and friends only. I came in at the same number. It was a lot of people but i got the omission of the speech she got the numbers she wanted.

What i would say is i enjoyed it in the end and am glad i did it and im sure he will feel the same. Ask him what he fears the most and see if you can get around it. Ill bet he fears the speech so ask if not making one will help?

squibbs25

My hubby never made a speech, neither did my step-dad (who gave me away),
It was left to FIL to do as he is quite outgoing and there was only about 35 of us in total. ha ha

SnowyOwl_2

I once attended a wedding where the bride made a speech rather than the groom. She was a lot more out-going and basically just sat down with the microphone and told funny stories for about 10 minutes. It was entertaining, but the point is that she made the speech. There is no reason at all why you need to stick to tradition - speeches, guests, lavish reception, cakes, white frocks blah blah blah do not make a marriage. If you want a speech of some sort perhaps put together a powerpoint presentation thing of photos, darken the room and get someone to narrate - the focus would be on the screen rather than the speaker. If you persuade your OH to tell you what would put him off a wedding day the most then you can work around it. BTW he may not realise that living with your partner, even for years and years and years, have children together and have a home together, does not make him/her next of kin. There is (currently anyway) a legal distinction between married couples and co-habiting couples. If one of you were to die (sorry to mention such a sad subject) while you are unmarried it could be very complicated for the one left behind especially with regard to the home.

Best of luck, I hope you can sort something out which suits both of you.

waterbaby

I would get married now, but he doesn't see any point. He would if I pushed him, it's not a big deal either way to him, but I want to be asked!

Anyway although that's not down to shyness, I am definitely shy of the big occasion. I have been planning my 'perfect' wedding in my mind. It's in a little country hotel, with chairs set up in a room for the ceremony, and I will wear something like an evening dress - coloured and sophisticated, but very simple and clean cut. There will be parents, siblings and nieces/nephews, and closest of friends. Even that comes to something like 60 once you include partners - I envisaged 10 at first!

The reception will be in someones large back garden, a barbeque for the wedding 'breakfast' and a few drinks, and some games eg croquet etc. I can't think of a suitable back garden, but that's a technicality:D So there won't be any formal speeches.

I want people to interact with each other as that would make me very happy to see my family and friends interacting. And it means they are not all watching me at once! Hence the games, and the barbeque encourages mingling.

So I do like the garden party idea, if you can include some interesting things in the garden (huge connect 4, jenga?) then that should take the eyes off him.

hankc35

I think your putting the "cart before the horse" my love, I mean he hasnt even asked you yet and your worried about how he is going to cope on the wedding day, you get that engagment ring on your finger and then start to worry about these things.

Personally I just think he is stalling you and will always have "some excuse" at the ready, I've seen many of my male friends do it, often it has to do with not wanting *children* , men think thats the next thing thats going to bog us down in a situation that we dont really want. Why not get out there and play the field a bit and maybe things will work out for the better?