shy groom?

beccatt

Apologies in advance for the loooooong post! As you will realise, this is something that's eating away at me and I need to get it off my chest!!

My boyfriend and I have been together seven and a half years - since we were 16. We have been living together for three years, bought a house together last year and have survived renovating it ourselves without many arguments at all!! Even after so many years the spark is still there - we're very much in love and really happy with each other.

So what's the problem? Marriage. Not wanting to scare him off when he was younger I never mentioned it to him, even though I knew it was something I saw as essential in our long term relationship. So slowly it became a bit of a white elephant - I never wanted to mention it, thought it would be better to leave it up to him, but he never mentioned it either.
Finally in January I plucked up the courage to ask him what was going on, and he told me that he knows he wants to be with me and that he doesn't see the point of getting a piece of paper to show that. Irritatingly, he said that as I'd never mentioned it before either he thought I felt the same!
When he heard that I do see marriage as important, he said that he would be happy to get married to make me happy... which is lovely but when I told him what I had always hoped to have as a wedding (a civil ceremony and a relaxed garden party reception at my parents' house) he said it sounded like 'a hellish day' for him because he would be centre of attention and would feel uncomfortable in front of so many people (I'd estimated about 100 friends and family).

We're probably going to get engaged when we go for a career break abroad early next year, and I'd like to get married next summer so I'm starting to think about it now and try to adapt my initial plans to suit us both more.
But I feel worried that when we do get married he will hate the wedding day - he's quite a shy person and doesn't like being centre of attention, which I understand cos I'm not at all outgoing either, but for me it is important that at least our closest family and friends will be there and that means around 50 people, or maybe 35 if we don't mind offending a few people! Getting my grandparents there is especially important to me, which is why I don't want to wait too many more years and it also rules out a wedding abroad as they can't travel.
In contrast, when I asked him who he would invite in an ideal world he said his mum, dad and best friend! Bearing in mind his parents are divorced and don't speak it doesn't sound like the best wedding party in the world!!!

So anyway sorry for going on and on, but that's the background. What I want to know from you lovely people is if your groom (or even bride!) was shy, how did you cope with it? How did you adapt the day to make it less stressful for them? Has anyone had blokes who didn't want to get married but said they would for you? Did they get more enthusiastic about the day as it got closer?

I suppose the one good thing about all this is that as we pare down the number of guests, we'll save more and more money!

Lady_S

I think you really need to discuss with him what he would like in a perfect world, and what you would like and then reach a compromise.

I am like your partner, the idea of a big wedding to me is complete hell and I would detest every minute of it, yet my OH is of the opinion that a wedding isn't a wedding without a church and the full caboodle.

We are working through how to reach a compromise about this and have basically agreed to about 30 people being present tops.

If you are unsure why he is marrying you, why don't you ask him straight. It might save alot of pain and heartache in the long run and will stop you guessing constantly.

lesleystrawson

My husband is very shy too, and wanted the minimum of fuss. So...

Civil ceremony at local hotel at 3.00pm (the day is already looking better for him 'cause its shorter!!). Shortest ceremony in history - no long vows - lasted well under 10 minutes. No photographer, but invited our (22) guests to bring cameras and give us a set of photos afterwards. Quick glass of wine/pint at the bar, then a nice informal sit down meal at the same hotel. They even did his favourite pud (treacle sponge and custard) specially for him! The onous for the speech was all on the best man, as everyone knows my husband is shy. He did 3 minutes tops and just the basics. By 7pm the meal was over and we all just enjoed chatting/drinking. Just so happered the piano bar was open so my father-in-law whirled me round the dance floor (hubby too shy to dance too). In bed by midnight and up at 5am for the honeymoon.

Easy!!!

And yes, I had a fabulous day - especially as I had all morning/early afternoon to get ready!!!! Whatever you do, have a fabulous day, and I thoroughly recommend spending all the (spare!) money you have saved on the small wedding on your honeymoon!

summerday

Well, as a woman I can 100% see where your OH is coming from- I am confident in some respects but the thought of a wedding with me as the bride and everyone watching me all day fills me with dread. Couldn't someone just throw me in a pit of snakes for the day instead?!

Also I have family discord which would make things very very awkward, this aspect could be worrying your OH more than you realise.

I could maybe handle 20 guests, very close family and friends only, in a very modest ceremony with no speeches etc.

I think you should have spoken about this sooner- I suppose you are both to 'blame' as if you have never said it is important to you to get married and assuming you aren't particularly religious why would he have known otherwise? Especially as lots of people don't get married at all anymore, and there's no such thing as 'illegitimate' children to worry about these days.

My OH is like you and would like to have a proper wedding with quite a lot of people etc- it's something we don't yet know how to resolve. Hope you and OH agree on something.

All the best,
Sarah x

summerday

Just wanted to say- Lesley your wedding sounds perfect, I could just about cope with that!

shelly

My hubby and I were together for 10 years before he asked me to marry him, 7 of those we lived together. He always knew I wanted to get married but he wasn't ready and I certainly didn't want him to do it just to please me, I wanted him to want it too. He says that he was always going to ask me on our 10yr anniversary, then his Mum died in the Jan as our anniversary was in the Feb. When his Mum died he wondered why he waited so long as life is too short. He always knew he wanted to be with me forever but just didn't do anything about it, now he knows its brilliant being married and wishes he'd done it years ago


I am the shy one in our relationship but the day was excellent. I didn't like all eyes on me all day but it wasn't too bad. I'd say wait until he's ready, that way you know its what he wants really and truly.

melancholly

after seeing friends going through weddings, with the stress/expense/family fun (!), i'm all for eloping for the whole ceremony bit! but then i'd like a big party afterwards (maybe a few days after), but a very informal one, without speeches. that way everyone can celebrate the start of the marriage but you don't have to have a huge day - for me saying the vows is very personal and i don't need an audience for that, but i'd like to get all my friends and family together for one night, since births, deaths and marriages seem to be the only time that happens!

Thriftylady

I also have a shy husband. Unfortunately we both come from huge families so the minimum number of guests that we found we could bring it down to was about 40, but they were all close relatives and friends, so we felt comfortable with them. Had a church wedding (had no choice here as it pre-dated the laws that allowed marriage in places like hotels, and the registry office in our area wasn't our cup of tea) but had it late in the afternoon which meant the meal was late. Then had very informal speeches (hubbies only amounted to 'my wife and I would like to thank you for joining us' and not much else). We had no evening 'do' as OH would rather be boiled in a vat of burning oil than dance for the entertainment of others. But again, because we had eaten so late, the whole thing lasted well into the evening so people who wanted to stay and have a drink with us were welcome to. It was kind of traditional and yet informal and OH said afterwards that much to his surprise he really enjoyed it.

I think maybe the key is to ensure that every single one of your guests is someone you both feel comortable with - if they're not then he'll never be able to relax...

squibbs25

oh my! This does bring back memories!
I caused a family feud as i didnt want many people at our wedding!
My father took it to heart as i point blank refused to invite his son (my half brother who i've seen about 8 times in my entire life) and my sister (as we'd had a major dissagreement and wasnt talking at the time!) As i said, dad took it to heart and refused to come and hasnt spoken to me since!
We only wanted a intimate, simple thing with extremely close family. Got married in local register office, had lunch, we left the venue at about 5 o'c to come home!
WE stuck to our guns, had the day that WE wanted and wouldnt be balckmailed by any of them. MIL was also devestated that we didnt have a big 'do' but knew by she wouldnt get anywhere by argueing
If it had been left to our parents it would have been the day from HELL.

I would marry my man again tomorrow and do it all EXCATLY the same way as WE had a fab time, i loved every minute of it, as did my very shy hubby.

I'm sorry my dad couldnt see things from my point of view, that i didnt want a big do and the day full of rellies that i dont see from one year to another.

Have the day of you and your partners choice, and dont worry about the rest.
After all it's hubby you will have to spend of your life with.

november

My groom to be is shy and while I'm not exactly shy I am about taking part in ceremonies etc.

Yes we've adapted the wedding to suit us. Short ceremony with family only (about 22 people) and I'm lucky in that a friend we both know well is a photographer. So all the people at the ceremony we know well and quite frankly we find that embarrasing enough but we are coming round to it as we've had a long lead up to get used to the idea.

We are having an informal sit down meal afterwards with no cake cutting and no speeches. Although I aim to thank everyone for coming in as few words as possible (I make it four ). He is too shy to say anything and his brother, the best man, is even more shy!

We are having an evening do because I fancy a party and there are about 50 people coming. However we are having no 'bride and groom' dance and are just running it like a club/disco (with buffet ). Come along and dance is the idea ...... or in the case of my OH sit in a corner with the other blokes you know well who aren't dancing either.

Yes we have got more enthusiastic as time went on as we realise its our day and we CAN make it the way we want. Everyone knows what we are like and everyone who is attending already knows what we are not doing e.g. speeches, slow dancing (or any dancing in his case)

Blokes that don't want to get married but did it for me? Well I didn't want to get married full stop but did it for him and bizarely enough I was the one that proposed as I knew he would be happy to be married but would take ages to summon up the nerve to ask. He said it meant a lot to him because he knew I wasn't keen on the idea of marriage.

Neither of us wanted to do the actual ceremony thing and were wishing we could just go and sign a piece of paper somewhere. Now I think we are both strangely looking forward to having a day to spoil ourselves ... he certainly has got quite enthusiastic with planning his outfit for the day and music for the evening do that he was previously dreading .......... shame thrash metal wasn't quite what I had in mind

pavlovs_dog

just wanted to thank people for sharing their wedding stories. much more me than the big white merangue and the world and his wife as spectators!