We have a social worker coming round today..

oysterman

to talk to us about a grandson we have never met.

Our son had a short relationship 13 years ago with a girl & it was not until they had split up he was told he was a father, to cut a very long story short, he progressed to a life of crime & she to drugs. He now thankfully has his life sorted out. The child has been brought up by his grandmother. She decided not to have any contact with us at the time which i can understand.

The trouble is how do you pick up the pieces after 12 years with no contact & how can we be sure it is our grandson, for everyone's sake we have to be sure, but especially the child.

creased-leach

Didn't want to read & run. I can't offer much help, but I think you should be aware that there's a good chance that this meeting is not just about "connecting" you. There's a good chance that they will be hoping to get you to take on some/all of the responsibility for him.

Good luck.

Mojisola

I would start with asking for a dna test to confirm that this child is your son's.

gingin_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I would start with asking for a dna test to confirm that this child is your son's.

It's a very difficult situation though, because the child will be 12-13 and old enough to know what is going on.They have to tread very carefully and I would take the social worker's advice on whether a dna test would be appropriate. I'm not sure it would but can totally understand if Oysterman wants to go ahead with it.

RAS

Hi

Do you know what has prompted this visit. is it that the boy wants contact with his father/social services think that contact with his paternal family would be good for him?

Or is it that for some reason the situation with the maternal grandmother is not working?

oysterman

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Do you know what has prompted this visit. is it that the boy wants contact with his father/social services think that contact with his paternal family would be good for him?

Or is it that for some reason the situation with the maternal grandmother is not working?

The gist of it as far as i am aware is that he has been brought up with the knowledge that someone else was the father(his brother's dad). Now i do not know what has happened to alter that fact. Whether he has heard someone say something or not i am unsure. Will find out today.

oysterman

creased-leach wrote: »

Didn't want to read & run. I can't offer much help, but I think you should be aware that there's a good chance that this meeting is not just about "connecting" you. There's a good chance that they will be hoping to get you to take on some/all of the responsibility for him.

Good luck.

OMG:eek: That has never crossed my mind Tbh i don't think we could do that, my children are now adults with there own families & lifes & we want to have ours as well. This is one of the reasons i come on here because you get so many different ways of looking at things.

peachespeaches

You might want to visit family rights group website frg.org.uk and do some reading.

I cant offer much advice really, but wanted to add my support. I am bringing up my 4 grandchildren, if there is anything you want to ask please PM me.

Kimitatsu

Social services like to keep children with families so it may be that the carer he has now is either unable to look after him, OR that he has issues with now knowing about his dad and would like to know more.

Either way, for your peace of mind you need to know that he is your grandchild to begin with before you can make any real decisions. It may just be that he wants to know some more about his dad, at 13 they start to look at where they have come from, and role models to aspire to.

As to how do you start, one day at a time is my advice. If SS are involved then you will have lots of back up, it wont just be a case of dropping him off on the doorstep and leaving you to it.

daska

I would tread very carefully here but echo what others have said.

1. Is there any evidence that he is your grandchild? You may take one look at a photo and see a boy the spit of yours at that age, but...

2. How old / well / competent is the grandparent currently looking after him? It is not beyond SS to spin situations to gain what they feel is the best outcome.

3. How would you feel if you got to know the boy and 5 years down the line mum says "well, actually, x or y could be his dad, but I don't really know".

A friend of mine was found by her adopted son about 7 years ago - via Friends Reunited. It blew her life apart and she is only just getting over the problems this caused. SS were not supportive in the least when she wanted help. My point here is not to cause alarm but to make it clear why you need to have a firm commitment from SS that they aren't just going to dump and run.

Best wishes, I hope you gain a lovely grandson

Pete*G_4

regardless of the advice given above, and as harsh as this may sound, but do you really WANT any kind of contact with the boy? If not, then I don't think they can force you to as biological grandparents. Even if they can though, would it be in the boy's best interests to "rock the boat" by introducing new family members/ideas at an impressionable age?