Opinions sought on older child who wants nothing to do with me

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star-X: well, perhaps i'm naive, but at the time it seemed like "normal" teenage drama, nothing more, nothing less. there was certainly a lot of trouble around the school she was attending, and she did in fact move school a year before leaving home, despite the staff at the original school scratching their heads as to where the "trouble" had come from, having seen none of the usual warning signs e.g. drop in attendance, poor work etc. after a couple of terms at the new school, daughter announced that she wanted to move schools again, at which point we perhaps dug our heels in a bit and suggested that there must be other problems that we should try to sort out rather than just moving school again. anyway, the point became moot when daughter left home (the person she ran away to registered her at the third school, obviously :$)

i tried to maintain contact throughout, and perhaps am guilty of taking too soft an approach, as i always had one eye on the future and not doing anything that would alienate her even further, or even, as she hinted at times, run away again to some unknown location. so maybe i'm complicit in some way, who knows, but i tried at the time to do what i thought was best.

alas, daughter's relationship with mum was less good from the start, she essentially disowned her mother immediately [edited to add: disowned her but not to the point of refusing child support from her either, obviously]

AnxiousMum: the limit is definitely 12 hours. and yes, i know what you mean, obviously i didn't let her attend guides with any kind of foreknowledge of what was going to happen! but yes, it is worrying, and i agree with your later point that the situation now is somewhat different, with varying levels of checks in place for different situations.

incredulous1: yes, almost exactly what i would have said if you hadn't said it first.

kingfisherblue: no, not involved in guiding anymore, i mentioned in the initial stages that i thought even communicating in such a way with a youngster was out of order and against codes of practice and would be checking that out with GGUK, her response was to leave GGUK.


anyway, ultimately despite the ragey first post, i am pretty much resigned to paying the child support until age 19 or whatever, and to be honest, even after that, if daughter needs help i'll obviously try to be there for her as much as she'll let me. as someone said days ago, i keep hoping that as she gets older there'll be at least some way forward for us. i think i was just annoyed that her first action after telling me she wanted nothing to do with me was to go to the CSA for even more money!

having said that, whatever the rights and wrongs, my rage at the CSAs administrative incompetence knows no bounds and will last forever!!!!

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Alas, no change in my daughter's attitude, still wants nothing to do with either me or my ex-wife. If anything the situation has got worse. She is maintaining that she wants us out of her life; not to the extent that she's refusing the Child Support payments me and my ex continue to make, despite the fact that "child" has not attended college since June :-$

What has changed, however, is that this woman has in the last three months enticed another child, a 16yo boy, to live with her. The story is depressingly similar, he has now told his parents and the rest of his family that he wants nothing to do with them. His parents are of course going out of their minds with worry - understandably. It seems he got involved with this woman through the "dance company" she now runs. Again, police and social services can do nothing - police have spoken to him and, as he says it's what he wants, nothing further can be done. We are in touch with the boy's parents and are all sharing information, the police and social services have been given the details of what has previously happened - all to no avail.

It just makes my blood boil that this woman seems to have gotten away with this again. It's depressing but I've told the boy's parents that they should expect a claim for Child Benefit and subsequently Child Support payments any day :-$

Have taken lots of advice, the consensus seems to be that, as the police have decided that no crime has been committed, any disclosure of the details would be potentially libellous/slanderous.

Feeing very frustrated right now!

blue_monkey_2

Wow, thanks for updating. I am sorry I can offer no more advice but I just find it incredible that she can continue to do this. Wondering if she has groomed this other lad who is over 16 knowing there is nothing anyone can do. I can understand your frustrations.

Mojisola

It's an awful story - especially as she's now taken on a second youngster.

Do you have any idea what her motivation is?

Have you made sure that the other parents of children going to her dance group know what's happening?

The police are seriously at fault here. There have been cases in the press in recent years where a 14 or 15 year girl has left her family to go off with an older man and nationwide hunts have tracked them down. Why is this different?

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Mojisola wrote: »

Do you have any idea what her motivation is?

Well at the moment it seems to be mostly financial, although I'm sure a psychologist would make a convincing case that one of her birth-children being removed was a factor.

Mojisola wrote: »

The police are seriously at fault here. There have been cases in the press in recent years where a 14 or 15 year girl has left her family to go off with an older man and nationwide hunts have tracked them down. Why is this different?

Sad to say, but presumably the difference is gender?

Mojisola

So now she has taken on a young lad, the police should definitely interested. That's no different to an older man taking away a young girl.

Bonny1

HHHhhhhmmmmm...

I'm sat here, I'm reading what's happened, and I'm too shocked to think rationally..

I can only think.... Oh My GOD !?! how can this possibly be LEGAL? MORAL? or ETHICAL? I'm sorry, but I would be onto the NSPCC SCREAMING from the rafters....

Something is NOT right here... it's STINKS to high heaven.. how are us Posters the only ones to see this? Please let us know, how you get on...

Bonny

p.s. Just a thought, but have you considered going to the Press, speaking to a journalist, getting your situation out there, as others have said, has this been a Bloke, well... we you know what would have happened..

Money_maker

Shocking thread, question being - whats encouraging the childen to stay?

There's got to be something - a promise of something to come, a free house with no restrictions - what?

Have you kept any tabs on the comings and goings from the house at all? These dance classes - can you plant a mole? There are some unexplored options I'm sure, this woman must be offering them an incentive to stay. You only need to find a little bit of dirt on her...

Bonny1

any updates ...?