NRPP's children & access

daska

Speedster, with the greatest respect, some women can't express and some babies will not accept bottles!

DS1 loved a bottle but DS2 wouldn't take one until he was 10 months old and would spit a dummy out within nanoseconds of it being given to him (never sucked his thumb either). I had no problem with supply as long as DS1 or 2 were attached but for multiple reasons (all medically valid) expressing simply wasn't an option.

So, while I'm sure some of your delightful 'wimmin' are looking for every excuse, it's not appropriate to make such sweeping statements.

AnxiousMum

I'd love to see a non custodial parent just attempting to appease a young baby who is used to being breastfed.....for ONE feeding let alone a whole weekend. Not only will it confuse the baby, it would be upsetting or the baby, and would also throw off the supply of natural milk due to the fact that mum produces what the baby eats. Unfortunately, the one with the most upset during this process would be the baby....

daska

AnxiousMum wrote: »

I'd love to see a non custodial parent just attempting to appease a young baby who is used to being breastfed.....for ONE feeding let alone a whole weekend. Not only will it confuse the baby, it would be upsetting or the baby, and would also throw off the supply of natural milk due to the fact that mum produces what the baby eats. Unfortunately, the one with the most upset during this process would be the baby....

Yep, I'd love to see some of the judges we encountered trying to get DS2 to stop wailing when he didn't get his titty.

missmontana

daska wrote: »

Yep, I'd love to see some of the judges we encountered trying to get DS2 to stop wailing when he didn't get his titty.

Sorry but I now have Little Britain sketches running thru my head.... a child could be scarred for life!! :rotfl:

GobbledyGook

Speedster - please understand I'm not trying to stop him having contact, I just want it done in the best way for my children. TBH since my PIL (my only babysitters/helpers atm) are going on a 3 week long cruise soon I could actually be doing with him helping, but not at the cost of the children. My eldest has a list of allergies as long as your arm so there is no way in the world I'm not breastfeeding just to suit the whims of a man who hasn't bothered to see his children for weeks on end. I breastfed my 2 daughters, both exclusively to 6 months then on to 14 and 16 months respectively. As for feeding them out and about I have always fed them from source so to speak. Despite having a plentiful supply to feed them I've never been able to express more than a few mls (and believe me I tried every make and model of breastpump around). Something which my so-called husband knows fine and well. If it was good enough for me to be the sole feeder and sole night-time dealer for the girls because we both believed that breastfeeding is the very best start to life then it is going to be good enough for my son as well. Just because it doesn't suit him and doesn't help reduce his maintenance is no reason for my son not to get the best start.


I can see myself having a real ding-dong with the school. The charming Deputy Head told me they don't have time to get involved in the "petty squabbles" of all the parents they have. Which means despite me telling them that my ex will not have medication for my daughters epilepsy they won't even let me know if he does take her from school. Thankfully I'm sort-of friends with one of the school secretary's and she's said she'll text me if it happens - although she only works M-W so Thur and Fri I just have to hope she's there when I collect her. I've demanded an appointment with the Head asap so hopefully she'll be more helpful.

I've just had enough of it all atm. I'm in pain with the SPD. I know my work is building up and my boss is getting hacked off with me needing time off. PIL are going on holiday so my sole helper/shoulder is my cousin who is even more pregnant than me. Half of me just wants my life back and the other half just wants to curl up and cry.

Thank you for the support, I really do appreciate it. Gemma

speedster

GG. i wasn't having a pop in any way.

i was just pointing out that with PR, he does have some rights.

i agree, you need to got to the head and get it sorted ASAP. also, do not be fobbed off. if you get no joy from the headteacher then go over his/her head to the LA and get it sorted that way.

chin up, i think your ex is just trying it on. once he realises you aren't gonna roll over and play dead, he'll wind his neck in and re-join the human race...... hopefully!

speedster

daska wrote: »

Speedster, with the greatest respect, some women can't express and some babies will not accept bottles!

DS1 loved a bottle but DS2 wouldn't take one until he was 10 months old and would spit a dummy out within nanoseconds of it being given to him (never sucked his thumb either). I had no problem with supply as long as DS1 or 2 were attached but for multiple reasons (all medically valid) expressing simply wasn't an option.

So, while I'm sure some of your delightful 'wimmin' are looking for every excuse, it's not appropriate to make such sweeping statements.

wasn't a sweeping statement really.

i was pointing out that this is a common tactic used by "wimmin" in CO cases. there is normally a way to accomodate it. not always.

going "undercover" on some of the "wimmin's" forums you would be astonished at the advice given by some of the dungaree brigade to fledgling contact blockers.

honestly, some of it makes my toes curl, but it opens your eyes to the depths that some "wimmin" will stoop to to prevent nrp access. false allegations of assault, frustration of CO, non compliance and forcing up legal bills. etc, etc.

strangely, the mens forums don't have this type of behaviour. strange that.

also had to scramble IP addys cos as soon as the "wimmin" get wind that they have been infiltrated, you suddenly get blocked.

LizzieS_2

Gobbldegook, I assume he did not collect them from school last Friday? I very much doubt his solicitor would endorse taking actions outside the solicitors negotiations and would tell him so.

Is the contact request a result of the "statement of arrangements" form which is always top priority in divorce cases and your own solicitor should have initiated completion? - a decree nisi will not be granted until that form is sent to court for endorsement. I guess his solicitor is just trying it on and accepts what the final agreement will be, just in case they do push too far, it is always worthwhile having a full documented background - in other words, your solicitor really should pass some comment over his lack of interest in contact for x weeks.

A "statement of arrangements" covers everything from residency to contact. It also includes questions over who else will see the children with your ex, where they will stay while with him etc - the court can limit a new partners access irrespective of whether it is unconvenient for your ex as they are looking at the major changes in your childrens lives, ie they have to get used to mummy & daddy living apart withour added complications.

Do you normally collect the children from school? If so, there is not a major issue as you would both be there at the same time. If he intends collecting them early, easiest way to make it clear to school is to categorically tell them in writing that only you take them for dental/doctor etc appointments and no-one else should ever collect them early. Also add, early collection by anyone not authorised by you is not for an appointment and is wilful removal from what is essentially a compulsory education. To correct Speedster slightly, you have to go to governing body before LA and preferably use complaints route.

missmontana

I'm actually quite shocked by the attitude of the school. As others have said, you should take it further, a letter to the board of governors etc.
At my school only people on the contact form are allowed to pick the children up unless they have written consent from the parent that somebody else will be picking them up, even other mums, as they have to put a note in the register.

Chin up hun :A

clearingout

blimey. a page straight from the wimmins aid website!

that old chestnut is frequently used in contact cases and gets shot down everytime.

normally, if the pwc comes up with that arguement in a CO case, the judge will ask how you feed when out and about and breast pumps get suggested.
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blimey speedster - where you getting this info from?!

Women who breastfeed don't stop breastfeeding when 'out and about'. They get their boobs out and feed on demand. That's the whole flippin' point (or one of them anyway) - it makes life easier!!! Please don't tell me you're one of those who sit in cafes staring at a feeding baby and then demand that staff ask the mother to stop because it is somehow offensive? If you find it offensive, don't look!

Breast pumps, even the electric hooked up to the mains one like a cow, are a poor substitute for a baby. And frankly, I can spend 40 minutes on a pump to produce 2oz which is in no way going to feed a 9lb plus baby at birth, is it,?! Assmuning of course he'll take a bottle and even if I had the time when I'm trying to get two other children to school and preschool for 9am in the morning....

As for breastfeeding being a useful source of blocking contact - yes it is! Very convenient. It's also very convenient to have a baby hanging off you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week stopping you doing the simplest of tasks and keeping you up for 4 hours between 2am - 6am. Why do it then? Because it's best for the baby and many of us try to do what is best for our babies, don't we? Because we are separated from our partner's, should this change?

And it was 'used' in my case by an ex who had our older children 3 days a week, no questions asked (no contact blocking or suggestion of it), whilst denying paternity of our unborn child conceived just 4 days prior to him leaving the family home (long story as to how I know that) to live with his mistress of 2 years. I had a car door pushed, hard, into my 19 week pregnant stomach with my ex yelling he didn't care 'because it's not my f***ing b*****d''. Told anyone who would listen that it couldn't possibly be his baby because 'the dates don't add up' or later when forced to accept the inevitable, that I had raped him to get pregnant to stop him from leaving me. Left me for 2 days in hospital without acknowledging birth of said child, denying our older children contact with him until he was 5 days old. Demanded a paternity test through the CSA and then failed to complete the paperwork. Had the audacity to tell CAFCASs (who were involved as he had filed for shared residency of the older two on the basis of my so-called mental ill health and violence - pure fabrication - and odd in that I was capable of looking after them half the time but violent and mad the rest of the time!) that I was denying him contact by breastfeeding. I had breastfed the other two whilst we lived together! why the hell should this one be treated differently because he chose to live with his girlfriend?!

CAFCASS Officer asked me what I was going to do. Simply told her that NHS Guidelines state, and therefore Government policy (who CAFCASS and judges work for at the end of the day) that babies are exclusively breastfed to 6 months and this was my intention, as it had been for no.1 and no.2. After that, I would let baby feed as and when he wanted until such a time as baby decided he was no longer interested, but that I would encourage him to stop feeding during the day so he could spend time with the ex. I then also pointed out that the World Health Organisation states that babies should be breastfed to 2 years and if necessary, I would be bringing this up in court. Hard to argue with clinical research and world-renound organisations, don't you think?!

Report outcomes and recommendations? Residency to mother. A reduction in the number of nights older two stay with father. Baby acknowleged as being 'very content' and 'thriving' in mother's sole care. Acknowledged that mother had tried to facilitate contact but father had turned it down because it didn't fit in with his plans. Baby to be permitted to see father on a little and often basis, taking into account the fact mother was trying to do her best by baby by breastfeeding, with a view to overnights starting no earlier than the 12 month mark but with hope that the father would agree to continued breastfeeding (and therefore no overnights) if baby was still wanting this to 2 years. Mother to wean baby from the breast as best as she could, acknowledging that she shouldn't have to put up with a screaming, distressed child if she knew she could do something about it.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the system does the right thing for the child. My ex has now got rid of his girlfriend (who was both physically and emotionally abusing our older children, throwing out clothing and toys that came from my home, smacking them, forcing the older to change the younger one's nappy, threatening to cut the legs off a favoured toy and refusing to allow a 2 year old to have it until bed time) and is a changed man. Seeing baby regularly who refuses a bottle (no way is he having one of those, bless him, will suck anyone and anything but not having a bottle) but is happy with a rusk for a few hours to tide him over. Job done. We're all happy if thousands poorer as a result of futile court action. Wasn't hard, was it?!!

Phew. sorry. bit of a rant there. No money saved (unless I've helped save someone some court and legal fees!) hopefully a story that shows there can be far more to this than meets the eye!

To the original poster - we have had contact via PM. You know where I am hun, been there, done that. Impossible to understand until you're in this position.