A massive mess Where to turn

and123_2

I do not even know where to begin really.

Last year I moved in with my partner, we were both working..

I lost my job and had to claim a small amount of Job seekers allowance, I also had to cut my contribution to the household bills by about £90 pm.

At the time my OH accepted this, but then after a few weeks when he did not have the spare money to spend as he wanted he became flustrated... this I can appreciate he has not really had to watch his spending before.

But then he became more angry about it, he panics if we do not have 2 months of bills money up front. He would stand and scream in my face that he did not care how I got the money to top the bills account up I just had to do it. (All my JSA goes into bills I take nothing at all for myself)

So I sold all my luxuries that I had bought when I lived alone. This shut him up for a month but then it began again. In my desperation I used his credit card to get the money to the tune of £3000.

Because he is so hard to talk to I tried to tell him but could not. Now he knows. I have stayed and faced the music. I am more than willing to do what I can. I co-own a property with my sister. I did not expect to be out of work this long and now she is in a position she has begun to buy my share at less than market value.

This however cannot be done over night. In the mean time he is upset and rightly so but he will ring me and ask a question, then ring 20 mins later and ask again and word it differently if my answer does not match word for word he will spend 20 mins telling me I am a liar. He is now screaming that I have made him bankrupt, even tho there is no default on the card.

As soon as the house money comes through I am paying off both our debts and will be left with £41,000.

I have wrote a letter for the card company admitting this is my doing am I am willing to pay it off.

I just do not know what else I need to do. The fact is that we can afford the card payment even if I dont sell the house.

His ex left him with £10,000 of debt a few years ago, he has never chased her for it. The biggest part of the bills each month is her bills.

I am just at my wits end. What more can I do?

Just to add that I suffer from depression and am also being treat for another medical condition. I am also 8 weeks pregnant. This was an accident and not planned. ON Monday in my desperation I was hospitalised after trying to end my life.

Please tell me what to do.

geranium72

You poor thing

I am sure someone will be along soon with some sensible financial advice but just wanted to send a virtual hug

Please please (debts aside) talk to someone about the way your partner is treating you - on the families board there is a sticky about domestic abuse. Although he may be worried about the debts that is no way to behave.

Get in touch with someone like Womens' Aid or Refuge who cab help with not only the financial side of it but you, your health, what you want to do about the pregnancy and so much more

amberene

and123, sounds like a horrible situation and I hope at least writing it all out has helped a bit. Your partner's mind games and abusive behaviour are not on and I hope you can re-read what you have typed and see that.

It looks like you have done all sorts of things to help your situation so do not beat yourself up and if you are having horrible suicidal thoughts, please call the samaritians, they will listen, professionally, and not judge.

juliedawn001

Sorry no advice on the debt front, but would it be posiible to stay with your sister for a while and then talk to your OH about how he is making you feel?

niccatw

Oh and123, my heart goes out to you! You do not deserve to be treated in this way at all. ANd I agree with all the above posters. It sounds like your OH has issues that are nothing to do with you and you have been doing all you can to work out the situation -that'snot an easy thing to do at the best of time, never mind when you are suffering depression, another medical condition and are 8 weeks pregnant!

Are you close to your sister? Can you speak to her about what has been happening? There's been lots going on but there is absolutely no excuse for your partner's behaviour. You are supposed to work as a team and support each other through the difficult times!

Are you in touch with your mental health team? Have you contacted your GP? Are you being treated for your depression and other medical conditions?

If you feel you can make the payments without selling your share of you and your sister's house, no-one should make you feel as though need to sell it. That's bullying.

Honey, I really don't know what to say. I want to give you a big hug and do whatever I can to help you sort it out. Right now, I think you need to think about you and your health. The debt may be a small part of that but it's certainly not on the scale of bankrupting any-one and can - and will- be managed by you once you are in a more positive frame of mind that you currently are.

I have to say, I think you've done tremedously well to do what you have done so far! And very well done on posting up on the forum - that certainly can't have been easy.

Please take care of you - and if you can, go and visit your sister for a few days. If it makes it easier on you, you can always say it's to sort out a few house issues?

My thoughts are with you honey xx

PNPSUKNET

sounds like someone you dont need to be with been honest, you can do better. I wouldnt pay his debt, only pay what you owe.

nearlyrich

You need to be treated with respect, it's a basic human right. Don't put up with him yelling at you you are worth more than that.

elfen

Don't pay his debt, get the hell outta there! Why should you pay it? It's not yours (except for what you ran up) so why bother?

velocity.girl_2

OP i've been there,done that and got the t-shirt, it will only get worse once your child is here...pay what you owe and leave, even if you love him he deffo needs to sort his anger out...why not chase his ex for the money she owes him? seems to me that you are more timid than her and he thinks he can push you about-taking out his frustration he has on her walking out and leaving him in debt on you...you are feeling the brunt of it honey

DON'T CLEAR HIS DEBT...please!!! he seems like he's trying to get what he can from you in my honest opinion...making you sell all your items poor you. x

DVardysShadow

and123 wrote: »

Please tell me what to do.

Get out of the relationship. You are worth more than that. Obviously partner has unresolved issues from his ex - but he should get over them in terms of not inflicting his hurt on you and in terms of not making you contribute to paying off the debts left by his ex.

This is not so much a debt problem as a relationships problem. Repost your problem on the MoneySaving in Marriages, Relationships & Families forum [just post a note on this thread to say that you have done that - if that is what you do], because they will have much more useful advice for you. I am quite convinced that your problem is NOT a debt problem primarily and that debt advice will not bring you any happiness.

and123_2

Thanks all for your help. I have been to the doctors this evening and I really do not want to go back onto anti depressants because of the baby. He is arranging for me to see a counsellor, Its just him constantly telling me I have made him bankrupt that gets me. I am fully taking any responsibilities for this and doing what I can but he wants it sorting last week and I just cannot physically do that!