Dealing with teens that dont want to go to school

tiff

My DS is 12 (not quite a teenager) and started secondary school in September. Since he started school he has feigned sickness about 3 times and I have been called to collect him twice (feeling sick). He has also said quite a few times that he doesnt want to go to school the next day, he always says this at bedtime and there are a few tears.

I have called the school today to ask his tutor to give me a ring so we can get to the bottom of it but I was wondering about other people's experiences of teens not wantint to go to school and how they dealt with it. Any teachers with advice?

Last night when I asked him why he didnt want to go to school he said it was his 3 worst subjects today. I assume that either he is struggling in these subjects or he doesnt like the teachers but he finds it hard to talk without shrugging his shoulders or saying "I dont know" lol I told him there are certain days when I dont want to go to work but I have to go and therefore so does he. We have missed parents evening because first of all he didnt want to go round to each teacher with his form to get an appointment time and then he lost the form. When the tutor calls I will ask about this, although I believe we can see them next week.

Ultimately I am worried that he will start bunking off school if we dont address the problem.

Primrose

If you son doesn't have a genuine illness, and I'm assuming you have had him checked out with your GP, I can only guess that he's either a victim of some kind of subtle or not so suble bullying, or he is having problems keeping up with his schoolwork and is struggling with certain subjects.

Learning in secondary school proceeds at a much faster pace than primary school, and that, and the fact that the whole culture is bigger, can be daunting to some pupils who initially have problems in adapting to the pace and the academic demands.

I think you're right to talk to his tutor, but you need to involve your son in this process somewhere along the line because he has obviously lost confidence and needs some support in getting back on keel. The sickness could be genuine fear because he feels totally out of his depth. See what his tutor suggests and ask whether some private tutoring for a while might help to bring him up to speed and help restore his confidence. But don't allow his failure to produce forms, etc. to stop you attending Parents Evenings, etc. If you son is struggling, it's even more important that you attend and get to the bottom of this, although a busy evening when you can only grab a few moments with teachers is possibly not the best way of dealing with your son's problems, and a one-to-one would be much better.

It's just possible that if your son has gone to the wrong school for his academic ability, he will continue to struggle and the situation will get worse. If that is the case, even if it means lowering your own aspirations, another school might make him happier. Putting him through six years of hell where he genuinely can't cope academically, would probably totally destroy him and he might do better somewhere else with slightly lower standands allows him to keep on top of things.

Give him the rest of the year to settle down. It's been a big change for him to get used to. But if he's genuinely still struggling after that, perhaps you need to review your options. I used to be almost physically sick on every day we had Double Maths at school because I couldn't get to grips with it, even though in other subjects I was more than able to hold my own, so finding out his weak areas and getting him extra support might help. However, if there are three subjects in which he's not coping this might be a sign that he is being academically over-extended.

Lunar_Eclipse

So sorry to hear that you and your son are going through this.

I can't offer much help, but reading your post made me wonder if you have discussed bullying?

If a child has always reasonably enjoyed school, the four reasons that spring to my mind for being so distressed at the thought of going to school and actively avoiding it are friendship issues, bullying, academic worries or changes in their home life such as parental separations, illness etc that make life harder to cope with.

Does that help at all? Good luck; I empathize.

Pee

It does sound like bullying...

Which are the subjects he hated?

I must admit I hated physics and always turned up late for that lesson and I actually liked people in that class, it really was the subject I had a blank spot about.

If you find out which subjects they are, maybe you could help - or people on here could suggest things which might help.

My only experience of this was my young neighbour who wouldn't go to school. He hated going although he wasn't bullied, just bored with it all. He was about 15 and his Mum tried various things, the one that accidently worked was me walking to work at the same time he was going to school and we would walk together. I would have thought this was extremely uncool, but for some reason he liked that. I have also heard of parents having to drive children as they hate walking to school. I don't know how far you can go before this is just pandering, though.

Once you have spoken to his teachers, you'll have a better idea about what is going on.

Pee

Oh and when I was bullied at school, I did feel really sick and have a tummy ache... I sort of knew it would go away if I stopped worrying, but of course I couldn't stop worrying.

kegg_2

If he is struggling in school with some of his subjects that could well be turning him off school.
Best thing to do is to take to his tutors and if he is struggling see if he can go down a set in those subjects.

tiff

I have considered bullying but really dont think that is it. Its still a possibility, though. He is a popular boy, although quiet/shy with adults.

The subjects are Spanish, Humanities and RE. I have previously had a call from the RE teacher about his behaviour in class, messing about, talking etc and he was moved away from a child. My DS doesnt like the RE teacher but I told him I was shocked to get a phone call about his behaviour because that is something I have never had to worry about before. I support the school so told the teacher to call me again if there are any more problems which there havent been as yet.

There have been no changes in his home life at all, so no problem there.

The tutor hasnt called back today so maybe I'll speak to her tomorrow. I'll also have a chat with my son tonight to see how today went. I suspect he'll be happier to talk now that today is out of the way.

Ketchup04

Maybe it could have something to do with the teachers? You've mentioned the RE teacher called home.
When I was at school it was the teachers that made me want to stay at home. I felt as though I was being bullied by a certain teacher, which made me physically sick some days. The only time I've had calls home from school were from this teacher who told a different story to my parents than what really happened.
Maybe you could ask him if he's having problems with this teacher?
Just a thought.
Best of luck

tandraig

who takes the humanities class? the RE teacher? sounds to me as if your son has a real problem with a certain teacher. I can remember hating arithmetic so much i was actually physically sick on the mornings i had double arithmetic ( single lessons werent so bad as he had less time to single me out and humiliate me).
have you considered the reason you are getting the dunnos and shoulder shrugs when asking your son what is wrong could be what you said in your post - YOU support the SCHOOL and you sided with the RE teacher about your son misbehaving in class. has it crossed your mind that perhaps your son didnt misbehave that badly? or that now your son has no reason to think that telling you whats wrong will help - as you have sided with the RE teacher and the school in the past?
I am not saying all this to have a go at you......but reading your posts....this is immediately what came into my mind as i couldnt complain about my teacher to MY mum - she would have hit me, as to her, teachers were always right!

tiff

I dont think thats the case tandraig, I listen to him and give him a chance to speak and I didnt tell him what was said on the phone to the teacher. I wanted the school to know that I was dealing with it, I'm not the type of parent to go marching up to the school because they have disciplined my child etc.

I get the shrugs and dunnos because he keeps everything close to his chest, he is not good at communicating. I have spoken to him tonight and the subjects today were humanities, Spanish and maths (he does hate RE but didnt have that subject today!) The maths thing I can deal with as he is in the top set which I was always surprised about as he struggled at primary. I will ask if he can drop a set or two as this is what he wants as well.

I dont side with the school as in they are always right and my son is always wrong. I always want to get to the bottom of a problem as my son is my main concern but I support the school if they have seen fit to deal with my son for his behaviour. I am well aware they can get things wrong and I will always ask my son for his version of things before taking things further.

Jo_R_2

When I was his age I used to fake being poorly because I was being bullied - it's almost funny looking back as my mum was a nurse so I was never going to get away with it but hey...

I'm not necessarily saying that is the case but what I do remember is wanting to talk to my mum about it but never being able to find the right words, the right time, etc etc... You know how it is, at that sort of age you get embarrassed about loads of stuff, feel awkward talking, worry people aren't going to believe you, that people'll find out you're worried. If I'm being honest, my mum was a laid back sort and I wasn't totally convinced that even if I did tell her, she'd do anything about it. Not in a bad way but as a grown-up I know her much better now than I ever could then and when she did eventually work out what was going on, she took control, took me to school and sat down with my teacher and worked through it together which was the best thing that could have happened.

Not sure if that's any help but sometimes it is hard as a youngster to communicate - not through not wanting to but through the sheer awkwardness of knowing what to say.