You can choose friends, but not family

claretmatt

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worriedsik

Hi
Why did your mother say she didnt want you at her wedding ?
sometimes we just have to get on with our new lives but there will always be somebody wanting to rattle our cages !
what do you want to happen ? thats the Q ?

Primrose

I am glad that despite the very traumatic family events you have suffered you have found happiness and support with somebody who loves and values you.

It sounds as if both your parents have a whole host of unresolved issues in their lives which keep coming back to haunt them, the main one of which is the guilt that their splitting up has caused you. This seems to be manifesting itself in the only way they seem to know how to put it right, and that is interefering in your life using their own experience, and it's proving a massive failure.

You are right to be supporting your partner. This is where you future lies. Sometimes our lives are affected by dramatic family changes over a relatively short period of time and it is difficult to adjust to them and come to terms with the new and different way of operating. But you seem to have a secure emotional base now with your partner and your new son and this is the rock on which you must build.

I suggest you ease back on your contact and relationship with your parents until they have learned to accept your new loyalties and commitments. You are a man now and have the right to decide your own future and to carve out your own path. Your parents both have to learn how to behave themselves with your partner and understand that this is where your loyalties lie now. Easing back on contact for a while will hopefully reinforce this message, but you will have to stand firm on her behalf if it continues to happen.

Pee

Do you think there is any truth in your father's statement that your partner doesn't like him? Her getting upset, whilst understandable in the light of giving birth, is not supporting you, it is attention seeking for herself. These issues are about how you feel about your parents and not how she feels. It is great that you want to stand 100% with your partner, but does she also want to stand 100% with you?

It is not unusual for people to want to shut out other people from their partner's lives. I hope it isn't the case here.

Other than that, I suggest you tell your Dad gently that you appreciate his concern, that you will take on board the points he raised and will make your own mind up. I do think that it would be your child who missed out from not having a relationship with a grandparent. Without knowing why your mother chose not to invite you to her wedding, I am getting an impression of your mother as being difficult and unstable and it may be that any contact with her would just be too painful for you.

mpet

It's not fair for your father to try & guilt trip you into 'making up' with your mother. Your first priority now is your partner and new son don't let family rifts spoilt things for you.

I don't subscribe to the statement that your son will 'miss out' If you have a 'strained' relationship with your mother then it's likely that this could overspill into any time she would spend with your son.

I would also ask your father not to keep bringing up the subject any more (nicely of course).

Errata

I hope you feel better for getting that off your chest here. Best wishes for your future, it's yours to do with what you want.

McKneff

Some brilliant advice on here, i just wanted to wish you all the best and say Congratulations on your new baby. :j

winnie81

Congratulations on being a Dad and I hope mum is recovering well. Family has caused me much heartache over the years and after being hurt many, many times and puutting up with feeling terrible over arguments/situations caused by certain 'family' members I decided to call it quits with them. It hurt despite what they used to do as I believe that family should stick together but the hurt and anguish it would leave me just wasn't worth it any more.It was making me miserable dealing with them and then in turn my family were affected by my taking out my frustrations/worries on them.
I would always say now to anyone with family issues is make sure you put yourself and your partner/children first as it is them who ultimately matter the most to you. If you wish to no longer see your mum then I would tell your dad to leave you be its your choice and not to bring your partner into things. she has enough to deal with right now (and so do you really you should be concentrating on your little one).

Family's are never easy you just have to do whats best for you. For me cutting certain people out of my life completely was the hardest but best decision I ever made I no longer have a worry at the back of my mind and I am free of the stress/anxiety that they brought.

Good Luck and Congratulations again to you both x

*Louise*

You need to concentrate on the family you are creating now. The last thing you want is people interfering with that.

If you don't want to speak to your mum again, then don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. She had her chance and she let you down - it's all on your terms now.

Congrats on the little one, he won't care how many grandparents he has...he will only care that the people around him love him 100%

winnie81

I forgot to say that your children won't care a jot how many grandparents they have only that they are quality loving ones! I grew up with only knowing 1 set of grandparents as my dad cut his parents off after horrendous childhood and I have never missed them. I got to know them as a teenager and I too cut them out of my life after discovering the hard way what kind of people are.

Claire

claretmatt

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