Help please

Kcgc

Hi All,

Im just after some advice please. I am 23, and moved out of home at 18. My childhood wasnt great - I was brought up by a single mother, who was bitter about my dad leaving. She had a very short temper, always angry and finding fault with everything, and we would having screaming arguments on a regular basis. Although I wouldnt class her as verbally abusive, she would often shout at me, that she didnt deserve to have a child like me, and why was she stuck with the cards she was dealt. I wasnt an awful child, I did always argue and shout back, but i was a good kid. No drugs, alcohol, no boyfriends and did well at school.

She was for many years also physically abusive. When we argued, she would lose her control and hit, slap, punch and kick me. My neighbours were always concerned and threathened to call child services, which scared her temporily.

Now, I dont mean to paint a terrible picture of her. She was only like this behind closed doors, she supported my sports and attended all actities i took part in.

As Ive said before, I moved out from home 5 years ago, and have loved my independance. Since then, she has realised how much she misses me and has become a very placid and calm person. 100% turnnover from the mum i grew up with. So find it hard to to feel ill feelings towards her from my childhood.

My problem... (finally) is that Ive recently seen many of her qualities in myself. When my bf and I argue, i turn into a monster, lose all respect for him and shout and become aggresive. I was in tears devasted to realise Im turning into my mum!

This has been happening for a while now, so i realise its not just a bad day here and there. I have spoken to my bf about seeing someone professionally to deal with all the issues and anger i have inside that Ive never dealt with, and also to help with my anxiety of turning into mum!

He says he doesnt see the point, that Im being silly and that there are people who suffer from depression and worse things. I feel like im making a mountain of a molehill and should just be positive about what i have.

Sorry this is so long and not v nice to read... what Im asking is would i be wasting a doctors time and would there be anything they can do?

kindofagilr

I think you should go and see a counsellor I really do

So much of what you said I can relate too, my mother was like yours in a way, she was very bitter, she raised two of us on her own since I was one.

Mam never physically touched me though but wow would we argue exactly like you described

I moved out just recently and we get on like a house on fire, I love spending time with my mam

In my mam's defesne I was a little !!!!, my brother was an angel and I ws a little !!!!, smoking, drinking all under age.

But I have seen myself turn into said monster when me and oh have argued (only while I havebeen pregnant though so I am hoping its a temp thing lol)

I dont think I am turning into my mam, and she is so chilled out now anyway, NOW I understand why she was so RAR though I mean she had to somehow afford to raise two kids on her own with no help

But if you thin you are turning into your mam then I do think you should have a few sessions with someone xxx

Lotus-eater

There are definite similarities between me and you OP.
I found myself being the same as my Mum to my kids and I don't like it at all!
Why couldn't I be like my Dad?

Anyway, I don't want to be like that, I spent a great deal of time thinking through how I act and what I do, I analysed all of my behaviour when I felt like it, which wasn't all the time. I shrinked myself really.

What works for me, is to first work out how you want to act, look at each thing you do as one thing only, then try to change that with your kids, if you make a mistake, realise it don't beat yourself up and change it next time.

The whole point is that you've realised it, it means you can change, now it's just up to you.

jackieglasgow

I second third and fourth that! after suffering for many years from depression, counselling helped me see that my anger about the life I had as a child, which doesn't sound dissimlar to yours, except I had two sh1tty parents, was causing the depression, and the unreasonable behaviour. My relationship was at crisis point because I was unable to deal with my emotions, and unable to express my feelings, it was all or nothing in terms of arguments and showing affection, and my poor husband was suffering terribly, as was I. The counselling helped me enormously, I still have some things I would like help in dealing with, but they are on the back burner waiting for the right time. Sorry, my posts today are all me, me, me, you can't tell AF's about to arrive!:o

What I mean to say is that your OH will benefit from the counselling in the long run, and will learn to become more supportive when hew reaps the benefits via a new, improved life with a happier you. Your main relationship in life on which you judge all others, whether it's conscious or not, is the chaotic one with your mother. Now that you no longer have that ype of relationship with her, you are projecting it onto the relationship with your OH, becaus somewhere deep inside you, you have "learned" to show love in this way.

Pixiechic

Hi,

There is no shame in asking for and having a little bit of help.
Good luck, I wish you all the very best

jackieglasgow

Well said pixiechic and much more eloquently than I tried to say it!

Kcgc

Thank you so much for all your replies! You made me realise that there are other people dealing with similar issues. I do realise once Ive trown a tantrum and yelled at my bf, that Ive reacted exactly the way my mum would have. I just dont know how to change my reactions before i react.

How do I go about seeing a counsellor? Do i speak to my gp, and they refer me if they think its necessary?

x

jackieglasgow

I live in Scotland so don't know how different health boards are down south, but I went to GP who suggested somewhere he knew of he thought would help, and I self referred. they also have community mental health teams and so on, which aren't always for seriously mentally ill people.

Make-it-3

Doesn't matter what your boyfriend thinks, if you feel you have issues please find someone to discuss them with. I'd be surprised if your childhood hasn't rubbed off on you in some way - but you have the intelligence to understand and recitify this.

Sounds like you mum had a tough time adapting to being a single parent. You may find with counselling you might want to talk to your mum about your childhood. And if she has recognised herself that you should have been her friend not her enemy, she may well have some guilt issues herself to resolve.

Kcgc

Thanks Make-it-3, but unfortunately because of the lack of a relationship I had with my mum and how different she is now, its almost as tho it never happened, and I would feel awful discussing it with her.

I will make an appointment with my GP and see what they say

Thank you so much to you all. Was wondering if I was a bit mad to want to see a counsellor!

Pixiechic

Hello,
You can go to see your doctor and explain how you feel to him/her. How you feel and how you behave and what troubles you about it.