Debt and Secrecy

margaretkb

Hugs to you too Emmzi. I feel better for this even if I haven't sorted it - yet! x

Debtomaniak

Hi Margaret,
I have found out about my husband's debt a couple of month ago. He had his debts before we met and we have been together for 6 years.
As you can see from my signature at the bottom the debt is huge, I felt sick when I heard how much he owed. My dreams where crushed in one phrase. But you know what hurt me the most? The fact that he kept quiet! He obviously did not trust me. His excuse was, that he did not want to worry me :mad:.
So where are we now? Five years ago he still had his fantastic job and had I known about his debt, I would have made him to pay every penny against his debt and we wouldn't have been where we are today.
Never mind that, more to the point. Do you think your hubby has a right to know? I wish my hubby told me. If he loves you, he will only be gratefull to you for beeing honest.
Do not know if this is any help to you? It must be awful for you.
Take care.

pjala

If you don't come clean it will eat away at you for ages and ages - health problems etc., so you MUST tell your husband. Whatever the reaction, it will make you feel like you have lifted a HUGE weight off your shoulders.
Plus you then can confide with someone to sort out the debt problem - and to sort out YOUR problem in creating the debt in the first place.
Honestly it would be the very best thing to do.

kathfisch

I have to agree that it really is best to be open and honest with him. It easy to say and hard to do, I know, but there are so many people on here who will tell you that from experience.

If your relationship is strong you will get through it and, if it proves to be too much, how strong was your relationship in the first place? That might sound harsh and over simplistic, I know, but its true.

You say he will go ballistic, but that is his reaction and his responsability. You can only do your side of things by being honest, you are not responsible for how he chooses to respond, no matter how much he might blame you. You are in this situation now, you need his support and to be honest with him, and how he responds to that is up to him. I hope that makes sense!!

Shortie

Hi

I agree with Debtomaniak as the same kind of thing happened here..

My OH has always been pants with money, making big spends I can't justify (like a motorbike he never used, and keeps wanting to chage his car for one naff reason or another).

I've always been cautious with money (altough I can spend alot too!) and early this year OH was off work for a few months after an Op. During this time his wages went down but he started spending on a credit card he's told me he's cut up (after I'd consolodated it into a loan my Dad gave me when we moved to help with pour mortgage application). I only found out about it when he moved out for a week (things got pretty bad between us). I was fuming.

The reason was that, yes, I was angry at the amount he's built up and the fact it had happened at all, but also because he'd obviously been hiding the staements etc from me.

He's now got an interest free loan from his Dad to pay that off and to do some bits on the house etc, but he'd told me that was now all his non-family debts paid off. I explicitly asked him this because it was such an issue for me when we had out break.

Well last week I came across another credit card statement for a card I never even knew he had. I didn't get angry as I told him last time that if he doesn't tell the truth about it anymore, it's his resposibility to deal with, but I advised him to pay it off with his Dad's miney.

You know... I would have prefered a million times over that he was just honest about it. Yes I wouldn't be impressed - if you don't have the moeny, don't spend it, but I'd much prefer dealing with it upfront that being lied to.

I'm really sorry if that's harsh, I'm a lovely person really, and I realise hiding something is a real burden for you and it's not nice to have to come clean about it, but ceratinly in my experience, honesty is the best policy.

How would you both feel if he found out by mistake (liek I always do)? He'll feel worse for finding out that way and you'll be in a more vunerable position. At least coming clean you've givien yourself a better hand (as it were)

Whatever you end up doing, best of luck with it :grouphug:

Donedoingdebt

Your credit file may be excellent with no late or missed payments or any defaults but it still shows your amount of debt & this will be taken into consideration by any decent future lender.

Bluelad_2

Having been in exactly your Husband's position, I would advise on telling him. About 15 months ago, I wanted to move house. It was only then my wife revealed another substantial debt. She was scared to tell as I've been known to hit the roof over the smallest of things. It didn't bother me to much as long as I know exactly what we owe so it can be properly managed. I was fully aware that it would affect the amount that we'd be able to lend, so the house was put on hold. In the last 15 months we've worked hard and sacrificed loads to clear as much as possible and are now currently in the middle of buying a new house.

You can only move on if you are willing to make a complete change with regards to money.

james32_uk

margaretkb wrote:

The pressure got too much and I spoke to someone at credit counselling - they will call me soon but want me to freeze interest on my loans immediately
and have my salary paid into another account. I am worried about this as I have always felt supported by my bank and they might change their mind about the mortgage offer!

God knows who told you to do that, but what a load of balls! No way should you stop making repayments on credit unless you are in financial hardship and cannot afford to pay it back. It'll totally muck up any decent morgage
offer for years if you default.

There's four steps you need to take:

1) come clean to your husband as otherwise you'll be unable to apply honestly for a morgage
2) look at ways you can cut back and throw extra money at all your loans
3) look at ways to move credit to lower interest
4) never borrow unsecured credit again

And everyone lived happily ever after

Good luck

youngandreckless

Hi Margaret,

Maybe you can put off telling him until you have sorted your money plan with the credit counselling.
If he is a perfectionist etc then it may help the situation to confess all, but have a clear solution in place to show him that yes things are bad, BUT here is how I am going to solve it.
As terrible as the prospect is, keeping this to yourself will make you stressed and possibly ill. No-one deserves to feel like that, getting into debt as this board shows is very easy, but it doesn't make you a bad person.
I really hope that you find a solution that will make life easier for you, do keep posting x

margaretkb

a BIG thank you to everyone for your responses. sorry if I sounded self pitying - when you realise you are in the financial 'black hole' it's bad - but it could be worse, but I have to sort this out!
I know that I must tell OH. It's not just the anger I fear - its the pain and disappointment on his face I can't bear to see and he'll never trust me again (why should he). CCCS also discussed this with me but said they are used to dealing with people in the same situation and I would have to decide. Like some of you I am going to put my debt amount at the bottom of my posts from now on to keep reminding me....

This won't apply to everyone here as we all have debts for different reasons and circumstances but someone mentioned that for some people, constantly overspending is the same addictive behaviour as drinking too much, drugs, gambling etc - it certainly has the same initial 'kick' or 'high' followed by the inevitable downer... it is part of the reason (but not all) why I'm in this mess.

thanks again and good luck to all of you.
Margaret