Single & hearbroken

GemmaB78

No money-saving at all, but I need the support of a group of online strangers!

How the hell do I get through this?

My OH, who is now my ex-OH, has been struggling with his bi-polar for a while now, and has decided he needs some time on his own to sort himself out. He's not sure whether he wants to be in a relationship (with me or anyone) as he can't cope with the stresses.

So that leaves me broken-hearted. I really thought he was the man I was going to grow old(er) with. He says he still loves me, and we're going to live together as flatmates for a few months to see if there is any chance that we can work things out. But in the meantime.....

God this hurts so much. And it's dark. So I can't even go and escape on my horse like I desperately want to.

jackieglasgow

No advice really, except to say that no matter how harsh it sounds, flatmates may be absolutely the wrong thing to do, you should try and make a clean break, if you can. See if you can both survive on your own, maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder, or maybe you will find yourself, and realise the relationship wasn't working for reasons other then his illness.

Go have a bath, a glass of wine and chocolate, if that's your poison, and relax. Listen to some cheesey music if you want. When your heart's broken, you should wallow for a day or two, then get on with your life, because when it's not broken any longer, you'll regret wasting that time.

Have a hug, too! {{{}}}

poorly_scammo

Agree with JG that a clean split might be better, however this might not be financially viable at the moment.

Have to say, fair play to him for realising he needs to be alone. I know people who have strung their partners along and make the whole situation worse.

Anyway, that doesn't make you feel any better. I'd suggest indulging yourself as much as possible and perhaps visiting a trusted friend or relative. Try if you can to force yourself out even if only to the shops and back.

littlemissmoney

Is there anyway you could move in with someone else for a while? Parents? Mate?

GemmaB78

Finances mean moving out will be difficult. And we have two dogs that I want to do my share of the care of. Will consider if I can do it though.

I just want him. I can cope with the illness. I don't care. I didn't want any of this.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Take the dogs and move out. Tell him that if he can't handle a relationship, he certainly can't handle the responsibility of two dogs. Sleep in the stable with the dogs if necessary, just don't stay there and give tacit approval to his confusing, upsetting and outright mean requirements (which is beggar all to do with BPD and more about emotional control).

He may find some clarity rather more quickly if he sees that you're not going to accede to his demands, which, BPD or not, are unreasonable, unfair and simply cruel. (Yes, I am repeating myself, because being a manipulative bully is entirely separate from the illness - and making you hang on whilst he gets his head together - ie, goes on merrily without olanzapine or sodium valproate or lithium or whatever it is that he is prescribed - is bullying)

Don't let him get away with it just because of the diagnosis - it's not carte blanche to be hurtful to you, but it can be used as such, because the person concerned will use everything they can to get their own way, particularly if they're on the manic swing and feel that it's all about them.

Especially as 'being flatmates' makes it perfectly legitimate for him to start seeing someone else if the fancy takes him.

GemmaB78

Jojo - I think you're being a tad harsh on him, but then as you don't know us I guess that's understandable.

OH is actually on medication and has been to see his psychiatrist who wants to change meds, but not until he's back on more of a level mood.

I've probably painted him to be bad whereas he's not. He's actually a very honest person full of integrity. At least he's not having the good grace to string me along unnecessarily. I certainly wouldn't call him a manipulative bully.

And I don't think there will be anyone else - at least in the short-term. I have been assured there is no-one else and I believe him. Of course, I could be wrong. If I am, then I take it all back and he's a lying, manipulative git.

Sunshine12

Gemma I hope you are ok and I dont imagine for minute there is anyone else. He is obviously going through a tough time in his own head and must feel like he cant maybe cope with a relationship at the same time. I do agree that the "flatmates" thing isnt necessarily the best thing. It sounds like he needs a bit of space to sort himself out and Im sure he still loves you and once he has sorted things out you will be the first thing on his mind. If its not feasable to move out then perhaps just try not to spend too much time with him otherwise it wont change anything and he will still feel suffocated (I dont mean by you I just mean that he probably needs as much space as possible.) If you give him space and try to perhaps socialise without him as much as possible things will hopefully get back on track. Really feel for you and hope it all works itself out. x

Treacly

Gemma I hope you won't mind if this random stranger gives you her twopen'oth - the bipolar is a red herring. You've been dumped ("I love you but I'm not in love with you" = "you're dumped". "It's not you, it's me" = "you're dumped". "I just need some space to get my head together" = "you're dumped".) You KNOW this - look at what you said in your first post about how you're feeling. He may very well be a paragon of virtues and a lovely lovely man - but he's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, so for the sake of your self-respect and future happiness, get out as soon as you can. Good luck - take care of yourself.

Lotus-eater

As a man let me give you the definition of flat mates.

It means he doesn't have to worry about the hassle of running a relationship, but the expenses are half being paid, he probably gets pity sex any time he wants, he can go out and do what he wants without worrying about what he says to you "well we're not in a relationship are we?"
You'll still cook and clean, you'll be afraid of bringing up bad points, such as, when are you going to get over this bad patch and get back to normal?

He'll be making the most of it for as long as he can.

Sorry if I'm wrong, but I've done it and seen it too many times.

C_Mababejive

Agree with others. The flatmate thing wont work. He is just constructing a comfort zone for himself. He needs to be more definite. If hes out, he needs to be out. Trouble is,when hes out,he might want to be in again. At least if your both not living together,there is some finality and it just doesnt blunder on from one week to the next with neither party knowing where they are up to. Short term pain=long term gain...

Eject,Eject,Eject.........