Separating....but where to start?

Alotgoingon

Ok my husband and i have been together for 14 years , married for nearly 4, with 3 children. We agreed to separate in middle Feb this year.....

What do we do about the home? We are on a DMP for rather alot of money the sort of debt where if we sold the home there would be no money left ....he pays all the bills and works i am stay at home mum. Who takes on the debt for the DMP, most of debt is in his name?

I was thinking that it would maybe be best for myself to move out into private renting, with the children as i would still be the main carer. With housing benefit paying the rent.....but been reading alot of threads how hard it is to find private renting that accept dss (though i know its not called that anymore). If i stayed in the home because he would have to pay the mortgage i know i would still have to claim some sort of benefit because his maintenance payments would be lower as he would be paying the mortgage.....

I want him to have good immediate contact with the children straight away , and somewhere for them to stay with him, also the home we are all currently in needs alot of repairs the sort of thing i cant do, plus if he moved out his wage wouldnt be enough for him to have anything other than a room in a house.

I havent been to see CAB yet but am in process of contacting them to get an appointment. So what do we need to do first?

We are going to try and keep everything as nice and calm as possible as i dont want the children to be any more upset than they are going to be anyway:(

C_Mababejive

As your home is mortgaged,it is a joint asset. I doubt the BA will accept a situation in which you rent privately but have access to your own home,and yet still ask them to pay HB.

You need to stay where you are.

Alotgoingon

C_Mababejive wrote: »

As your home is mortgaged,it is a joint asset. I doubt the BA will accept a situation in which you rent privately but have access to your own home,and yet still ask them to pay HB..

I was wondering the same thing....but how is it decided that one stays and one goes?

C_Mababejive

Alotgoingon wrote: »

I was wondering the same thing....but how is it decided that one stays and one goes?

Well legally,if you are both joint owners/proprietors of the property then you both have a legal right to reside in the property !

In neither neither party could agree to leave and indeed,in special circumstances ,it may be possible to coexist !

It might even be possible to turn the property into two separate flats.

Traditionally,i believe its expected that the man leaves or whoever has care of the children stays.

Alotgoingon

Hmmm its not big enough to turn into two flats.....there isnt enough room for him and me to have separate bedrooms either....at the moment he sleeps on the sofa. Yep i get about the legal right to stay but in the long term its not going to be possible ...things are already getting tense and niggly...

Plus i cant pay the mortgage myself i dont work and wont be able too....

Perfect10_2

I did similar last year. Went to Housing Association and wasn't a priority for Council Housing. Woman there did show me the rules that say for housing benefit you have lea way of 6 months if you still own a property.

So that's what I did. Like you couldn't have afforded to pay my mortgage on my own so rented privately. Housing benefit goes straight into your bank account so a Landlord doesn't even necessarily have to know.

If you are not working you maybe more likely to get help from your council.

Priority see CAB and a solicitor even if everything amicable. Myself I pay ex money every month towards joint debts but am always worried he will default so don't recommend this route.

Wishing you all the best, remember to take care of yourself x

belfastgirl23

I think at this point in time the best thing you can do is stay put. I'm not basing this on any financial argument but rather on what your kids need right now. They're going through parental breakup, your husband moving out, and no doubt some tensions and strains around the house. It isn't fair to them to add in moving house as well at this stage and in my view it's important to keep things as stable as possible for them for at least a while. I speak as someone who had to move house as a result of a parental split and really it was very very hard, losing your dad and all your friends in one go...

Alotgoingon

Perfect10 wrote: »

own so rented privately. Housing benefit goes straight into your bank account so a Landlord doesn't even necessarily have to know. If you are not working you maybe more likely to get help from your council.
Wishing you all the best, remember to take care of yourself x

I dont work and wont be able too as i have dependents too young too work. Also there is an issue with getting together the deposit for private as we dont have any spare money....we are down to the bone that way.

Thanks for your wishes...and yes i will take care of myself:)

Alotgoingon

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think at this point in time the best thing you can do is stay put. ......rather on what your kids need right now. They're going through parental breakup, your husband moving out........ I speak as someone who had to move house as a result of a parental split and really it was very very hard, losing your dad and all your friends in one go...

Actually we havent told them yet....i dont want something like this to haunt the rest of their lives any more than it has too.....i know that probably sounds a little naive but so far its been nearly 3 weeks and we are doing ok ish with each other. We havent decided at this stage yet who should move out.....so he is still living here. When one of us does live i am going to make sure that they see him loads and that he is still in their life as much as possible....and they wont lose their friends as i will make sure of that.

Sorry to hear that you had such a hard time with it all......as someone who has had it happen what are the best things that we could do to make it easier for them? For instance we are waiting till the last two have had their birthdays with us "together" before we tell them and everyone else....hopefully it will work out that way....

wannabe_sybil

I hope I am not speaking out of turn. Is there any way of saving the marriage? I mean, using Relate, counselling etc.?

The reason I ask is that you may be able to at least keep a relationship going for a while on respect and friendliness, and at the moment you just cannot afford to separate. Even if you can just work out a truce for a while until the financial situation stabilises it may help.

I am sorry if I have upset you with this suggestion as there may be excellent reasons to separate and I think that while sometimes you can save marriages sometimes it is necessary to split. I only suggest this as you seem to be able to discuss and plan a lot together. I hope it all works out for you.

Alotgoingon

We have tried Relate and counselling and the problems between us haven't been solved or gone away....but thanks for asking anyway. When we got married i think it was a last ditch attempt at being together when in fact things got alot worse in our relationship and he did some stuff that was wrong.....and i lost all trust in him , which i have never got back and too be honest when it comes to me and him i dont think it ever will, regarding us as a couple.