Please help. At the end of my tether and can't take any more

Pauper_Princess

First of all please be gentle, I know all new posters ask for this (I'm not new, just a long-time lurker) but I'm at my wits end and I don't think I can cope with much more.

OH has just been dismissed from his job for having too much time off sick. He's been given 12 weeks notice, this was 2 weeks ago. In 15 years of working for this company he's had a total of 2 years off sick. He finally triggered a stage 3 warning and now he's been sacked.

Which means that in 10 weeks' time all we have to live on is my wage. I earn a decent wage and I know I need to do an SOA, I'm building up to it, I can't face it tonight. However to earn this money I have to deal with a hell of a load of stress and I feel like this has just escalated overnight with this reliance on me now being the sole earner.

I really can't take much more. I'm just crying all the time and snapping at everyone and just a wreck. Our marriage has been shaky for some time now and this certainly hasn't helped

I will do my SOA when I can face upto the paperwork. I don't even know what I'm looking for with this post. Maybe for someone to tell me I'm not alone? No-one understands what I'm going through as I'm surrounded by people getting married and having babies

A very miserable PP

Tixy

Hi Pauper

Sorry to hear about your OH losing his job (I have no idea about employment law or anything but have you checked/sought advice to see if the company are within their rights to sack him?)

Have you looked into what benefits he may be able to claim once he finishes working? if not www.entitledto.co.uk is the place to start checking.

Do work out and post your SoA, maybe we will help spot cutbacks and be able to advise on a way out for you both.

Fingers crossed OH gets a new job (and maybe you as well from the sound of yours).

Take care and keep posting.

miss_missy

hi and welcome
you really are having a difficult time at the moment please try and relax and take time to get yourself together a cry can do you the world of good so dont worry about this, i hope your OH health is ok

your not alone they are many of us on here that have been through what your going through and its hard please be assured that if you need to rant come on here and rant away theres always someone her who will listen

although you cant face an soa at the moment well done for facing up to the fact you need to budget

as for your relationship all i can say is that when we started facing our debts there was a lot of arguing and blame thrown at each other but i do feel now that we are working together we have become a lot closer and have much stronger relationship and i dont get half as stressed as i used to as i know now i can to to my partner when i am worrying

have you sat down and spoke to your OH told him how you feel? hes probably worrying just as much as you are, i was surprised when i told my partner how i felt about our debts/problems that he told me he had been feeling/worry the same but hadnt wanted to worry or upset me by saying anything

take care and feel free to rant at us it always helps to talk

Treacly

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time - I've no special words of advice except to say ignore all the 'getting married and having babies' people - they'll have their own ghastly hidden stresses.
Hope things look better for you and your OH soon - take care.

saxysarah

You sound at the and of your tether hunni I hope things pick up for you soon. Sometimes when you find the strength to dig deep and get on with the practical stuff like the SOA and Budgeting etc it all doesn't seem so hopeless because you are physically doing something if you get what I mean even if it is scary. Its a lot of pressure to be under being the sole earner for your house esp if its a job you dont like but it also must be devastating for your OH to be in the position he's in - don't lose heart yet he's got a 10 week head start in applying for work - whatever kind of work it might be and you never know something might come up.......if not he can spend his time wisely on here looking for ways to earn a bit of extra cash ;-)
fingers crossed for you - always here to provide a virtual shoulder xx

smileyt_2

Hello PP

I am just wondering if you have been to see your doctor, because it sounds as if you may be clinically depressed. I don't advocate pill-popping willy nilly, but sometimes people need anti-depressants just to help them through a bad patch.

I think you do need to talk to your husband. For a start, if he is going to be the one at home, then he will need to do most of the housework and shopping in order to support you earning a wage. He will also have to be part of the budgeting process because this is not something you can do alone if there are two of you using the heating and eating the food etc.

I also think (as with poster above) that you should seek advice about your husband's dismissal. If he has a disability, for instance, and this has caused him to take the time off sick, then there may be some disability discrimination law which applies.

I do hope things pick up for you soon. Take care.

savingmummy

Sorry to hear anout this. What was the high levels of sickness? did your DH have medical cover notes?

Firstly your DH will need to find another employment (hard now depending on skills etc) BUT he does have 10weeks to do so, so get him looking now! Even if it is not an ideal job - for now it is better then nothing and he can then keep looking for his ideal job replacement while his earning!
Gardening, decorating, shelf stacking etc are normally easy to find so dont be too disheartened.

A SOA will help, hard to see it all written down BUT gives you a plan to work on.
Do you have debts?
If you use credit STOP now, this will just make the situation worse.

You may need to stop some luxuries, again you will need to have a sit down and talk with your DH and explain this. Cancel anything that is not nessesary ie, sky, gym memebership, mobile contracts, hobbies etc!

You will be ok, It is good you are planning now aswell many leave it when the wage stops completely!
Good luck

joanneinwonderland

Hi PP not advice as such but a hug as sounds like you need one :grouphug:

I really hope once you sit down with everything it's better than first feared and you and OH can start dealing with it all.

My mum always says...don't worry about anyone else just you worry about you!

xxxx take care

zarazara

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
just echo the others really. Cancel anything not necessary,cut up the cards,cancel holidays,going out and new clothes. Could you sell the house and downsize? Ebay surplus stuff. Your other half still has 10 weks work left to do, maybe he will find a new job in the meantime. Every cloud has a silver lining somewhere.

Pauper_Princess

Thanks for all your replies - is there a crying "smiley"??

Sorry I still don't know how to quote but to answer a few questions:

The 2 years sick has been totted up by various things where he's had say 2 months off here and 4 months there, all with things like back and neck problems (he was a postie) and all covered with sick notes. This latest absence has been ongoing since May last year and he's had sick notes all along, together with 2 rounds of physio and various scans etc but we still don't know what it is (knee pain). He's now waiting for an operation to remove ligament from his knee (I think). But because there's still no proper diagnosis he's not covered under any disability acts

His appeal is next week but this I think is a formality, without wishing to sound negative. They actually put him back on light duties (sitting down) in July last year and then he went sick again thus triggering the stage 3 warning.

He applied for 4 jobs last week and has only heard back from one which was unsuccessful. He seems to be pinning all his hopes on this appeal and tells me not to look on the black side all the time.

He doesn't like talking about it, so he won't. As for him doing stuff around the house, well he's had 10 months off now and apart from washing up he's done nothing at all. The house is half decorated and he sits on his PC all day and doesn't see what's around him.

This is ending up a lot more negative than I intended, sorry, I know I sound like I'm running him down all the time. I just feel like I've run out of steam trying to keep everything going and above water. To the poster that suggested I see my GP yes I think you're right, however I've a very bad history with mental health probs and whenever I go I clam up now. I also struggle to get time to go, with working long hours, despite switching practices. I work all over so getting back to the GPs before 6 is always difficult. I feel I'm going round in circles.

savingmummy

The 2 years sick has been totted up by various things where he's had say 2 months off here and 4 months there, all with things like back and neck problems (he was a postie) and all covered with sick notes. This latest absence has been ongoing since May last year and he's had sick notes all along, together with 2 rounds of physio and various scans etc but we still don't know what it is (knee pain). He's now waiting for an operation to remove ligament from his knee (I think). But because there's still no proper diagnosis he's not covered under any disability acts

If his sickness is certificated i am sure they can`t sack him, maybe worth having a word with CAB or getting some help with that!

His appeal is next week but this I think is a formality, without wishing to sound negative. They actually put him back on light duties (sitting down) in July last year and then he went sick again thus triggering the stage 3 warning.
He applied for 4 jobs last week and has only heard back from one which was unsuccessful. He seems to be pinning all his hopes on this appeal and tells me not to look on the black side all the time.

This is silly!! CXalled head in the sand which is not good at all! You need to point out that while it may be OK it may not be then what will he do??

He doesn't like talking about it, so he won't. As for him doing stuff around the house, well he's had 10 months off now and apart from washing up he's done nothing at all. The house is half decorated and he sits on his PC all day and doesn't see what's around him.

Is he depressed?? if not he sounds very lazy tbh! This can not go on and tbh if it does it may cause problems with your relationship!

This is ending up a lot more negative than I intended, sorry, I know I sound like I'm running him down all the time. I just feel like I've run out of steam trying to keep everything going and above water. To the poster that suggested I see my GP yes I think you're right, however I've a very bad history with mental health probs and whenever I go I clam up now. I also struggle to get time to go, with working long hours, despite switching practices. I work all over so getting back to the GPs before 6 is always difficult. I feel I'm going round in circles.

Please go, write down how your feeling and then if you do clam up your gp can read your thoughts! More common then you think.
I often write down what i want to say as i just know when i go i clam up and can`t ask or feel embarrassed etc.
Contact the syrgery and arrange for the latest time possible, maybe go if you have a annual leave day?
If you have a history of mental health issues you don`t want these worsening, you need to think of yourself right now and look after no1!!