Considering paying off partners debts

Pitlanepiglet

My hubby had run up debts of over £20k in a year just before I met him after a divorce, a bad relationship with a nutter and frittering money away to make himself feel better.

That was pre 2004, I am still paying his debt, it is the only debt that we have left and that's deliberate. It has taken almost since then for him to really understand that we have to be frugal and thrifty and that we don't have money to chuck away on daft things. I was always pretty sure that if he felt that he was debt free then he would be out spending again.

I really do believe that we all properly have to learn that there are consequences to our actions and making it too easy for people doesn't always produce the result you want.

DVardysShadow

Vikitor wrote: »

... I have the money to pay off the £15k currently sitting not earning much interest in an NS&I account and he insists if we go ahead he wants to pay it back as soon as possible and with interest at at least the same rate.

dianah wrote: »

what i don't like is that he *insists* you pay the debts off... setting up an isa in his name is a bit dodgy too - i know you already have one and that's all you're allowed but as someone already said, an account in his name makes the money in that account his

Me thinks you missed what he was insisting.

Zoology_Dragon

Britwife wrote: »

Most of you know I'm American, husband's and wives typically have joint accounts over there but here, everything is separate....this is mine and this is yours. It's really sad, I've never seen anything like it.

I don't think this is true at all, nothing like a sweeping generalisation! Anyway, regardless of that I think the OP is being very sensible to consider all her options. It might not be the way everyone's marriage works but she has to do what's right for her.

dianah

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Me thinks you missed what he was insisting.

sorry, i clearly did!!! must read properly next time!

shebrett

BabyMother wrote: »

Have to say I agree with this poster - I'm Irish as is my husband (married 8yrs together 18yrs) and all our money is pooled, there is no 'owing' between us and any debts are joint. I found it quite strange over here with married couple friends who have his n' hers bank accounts. BUT having seen some of the posts on here and divorce rate being what it is, it can ultimately be a sensible, if sad, thing to do.
However, I don't see any problem with OP paying off her fiances debt and having them start off newly married life with no debt.

On the other hand, there is a reason why she did ask the question so maybe if she doesn't trust him not to get them both into debt again, she should maybe take over the family finances. It worked with my parents, dad was a spender and mum was a saver. They never had massive debt as long as mum had control! And dad was quite happy with this. Whatever works for your marriage.

I too agree with Britwife and Babymother. When I met my husband he was £4000 in debt and I was in the clear. We soon realised that we wanted to stay together and so we started pooling our money together from then. His debts are my debts and everything we earn is for us, not his and hers. I find it more worrying that you are not paying his debt as you are betting on a possible break up. If you're not 100% sure then maybe there's something else wrong here?

Anyway, it sounds like maybe money is not his strong suit. Instead of jumping in and paying it all now if you are not sure, maybe try spending the time up until the wedding with you managing all the household finances. Put all the joint earnings for this time in one pot and you manage the funds. If it all goes well and he wants to keep that up for the future then you can pay everything off after the wedding, if it doesn't then you'll need to find another solution. ..... no ideas there though sorry, I've never been much for this is mine and this is yours, I'm more of a this is us type

Pitlanepiglet

I find it quite ironic that those suggesting that everyone should share their finances and regard it all as ours are then in many cases suggesting that the OP should then have to take total control to avoid him spending!

If he's a spendthrift - and only the OP knows how his debt came about, then he's probably always going to be a spendthrift and the OP has to decide whether that is something she can live with.

What often happens IMO when one person takes total control of finance is that the other adopts a kind of childlike mentality where they abdicate all responsibility and carry on in their own sweet way.

Buffythedebtslayer

I am in debt and if I met a bloke who seven years down the line wanted to pay off my debts I would say no. I would feel ashamed that I couldn't solve the problem myself.

15,000 can be a life changing amount.

I just don't see how it can be "given" without changing the balance of power in a relationship.

My gut instinct says don't do it.In my opinion he will not learn unless he has to go through paying back every penny himself, if you come along and wave a magic wand whats to stop him doing it again