Considering paying off partners debts

Pitlanepiglet

You need to consider the stability of your relationship carefully and his approach to financial management. Why does he have these debts? Does he have something to show for it or has he just !!!!ed it up the wall? If it's the latter has he changed at all?

Why isn't he able to service the debts as it is? If you are in a position to pay all the household outgoings can he not throw all his income at his debt to clear it quickly without you being at risk?

I'm being presumptuous but I'd suggest that the fact that you are asking the question means that you doubt what you are considering doing...

fairydiamond

At the end of the day, only you know your partner. I paid off my partner's debt because the letters he got drove me up the wall. We're married now and I make sure he doesn't get into debt. I don't have a financial link with him, because his credit rating is poor.

Its your decision, good luck.

Jo_R_2

I think you should firstly be asking why he has this amount of debt, what he did to get it, and why he has difficulty managing them.

I think what you are suggesting is lovely, and very caring, however I do feel that you are simply getting rid of the symptoms and not actually the underlying problem IYSWIM? If you don't address the actual problems then you have to consider the likelihood that even if you *do* pay off his debt, there is nothing stopping him from running it up again, and he hasn't had to take responsibility for what he has done.

Just my feelings on the matter.

Britwife

Call me old-fashioned but I look at my husband's debt as mine he does the same for me. We are a partnership. If you chose to get married then make sure you know it will last a lifetime. Take note of any red flags and don't ignore them. When you get married, WORK EVERY SINGLE DAY to make that marriage work.

Although we don't have any debt, I wouldn't hesitate a second to pay my husband's debt off.

If the marriage falls short of forever then there is most likely something wrong from the start and was ignored, thinking that marriage would fix it......2. somebody didn't work on the marriage and lastly you only got married to make the other happy becasue they would have left you so you didn't have a choice. Actually, Money causes problems, work it out and don't let money ruin you. I know there are more and I've been in my fair share of relationships where I ignored the flags and those are the ones that never last. I knew in my heart from the moment I met my husband, he was the one....we met online and will be celebrating our 7th anniversary next month!!! Sometimes, it feels like a million years but I love this man more than I thought I ever could.

Most of you know I'm American, husband's and wives typically have joint accounts over there but here, everything is separate....this is mine and this is yours. It's really sad, I've never seen anything like it.

If you know in your heart, he is the one and this is it and you're both willing to work at being married, then I say do it and to be honest, I wouldn't want it back. Put it towards your retirement or just be happy in the fact that as newlyweds, you won't have financial issues to get in the way. Then get to the bottom of things and both of you agree to a budget and stick with it. Make a plan for fun things. We never buy anything without sharing with each other unless it's a gift, then I'm not allowed to look at our account. We set limits on what we spend on each other as well. We're not well off but we live within our means and have a very happy marriage.

Ok, sorry for the book, didn't meant to take over and this was just my heart to heart to you.

DVardysShadow

Vikitor wrote: »

Hello all I was hoping to get some advice.

I am considering paying off my partners debts in preparation for when we move in together in August this year and get married in summer 2011.

Don't do it. Give him £1000 to pay off the car loan. See what he does with it. Whatever the outcome, it will be worth £1000.

If he has any sense, he will clear the loan and use his surplus after that to start bashing down his other debts. Don't guide him too much, just observe. If he works it through sensibly, then you can think about what to do next. If he does not, you are down by £1000, but free to get on with the rest of your life, having lost a whole lot less than other people who have dug partners out of a hole.

HalfPint

Jo makes a very valid point. It like treating the symptoms but not the cause. You partner has to sort this out himself, although there is no reason why you cannot help him in lots of ways other than giving him the money.

Im in a similar position, though I've been married 3 years. I consider the debt to be ours..even though it's all in his name. I am about to take over £2000 but that is all...We currently owe 20k plus. It's taken me a year to get him to stop using credit cards and taking things out on loan. He previously had a lot of money and was used to getting whatever he wanted....now he works for every penny.

I would not, if I were you, be willing to loan him £15k. you never know whats around the corner. Help him learn how to correct his behaviour, how to budget and live without using credit cards...and only then would I be willing to help out financially to a small degree.

Think very carefully...better safe than sorry.

HP x

caeler

I paid an ex's debt off several times, the several times refers to the times he ran it back up. :-( I never got the money back.

dianah

what i don't like is that he *insists* you pay the debts off... setting up an isa in his name is a bit dodgy too - i know you already have one and that's all you're allowed but as someone already said, an account in his name makes the money in that account his.

britwife - yes, it's nice to think that if you get married it's going to last forever. statistically, very often it does not. and sometimes, people stay together for all the wrong reasons and as a few people pointed out, he may get into debt again.

my parents got divorced after nearly 30 years when my dad found himself a mistress. just before he told her, he insisted they sell their apartment (they also had two houses - my mom covered the mortgage) and split the money. in the end she agreed to selling the flat but insisted on splitting the money three ways - her, him and me. she also bought him a new car from her share. a month later he dropped the bombshell and she divorced him after nearly a year of her trying to save the marriage and continuing to pay for everything.
my dad works and has a very good job but my mom had an extremely high paying job (she'd since moved to a smaller company and earns less than a half of what she used to but it's also a lot less stressful for her)

i think the op is extremely smart at looking at her options. good luck with whatever you decide to do.

welshmoneylover

Re-reading through your original post, I don't see any mention of you trying to address the root cause of his debt.

It is a considerable amount of debt and you have no guarantee he won't do it again.

Forget his ISA, once the money is in his name, you won't have any claim to it.

WendysWorld

Britwife wrote: »

Call me old-fashioned but I look at my husband's debt as mine he does the same for me. We are a partnership. If you chose to get married then make sure you know it will last a lifetime. Take note of any red flags and don't ignore them. When you get married, WORK EVERY SINGLE DAY to make that marriage work.

Although we don't have any debt, I wouldn't hesitate a second to pay my husband's debt off.

If the marriage falls short of forever then there is most likely something wrong from the start and was ignored, thinking that marriage would fix it......2. somebody didn't work on the marriage and lastly you only got married to make the other happy becasue they would have left you so you didn't have a choice. Actually, Money causes problems, work it out and don't let money ruin you. I know there are more and I've been in my fair share of relationships where I ignored the flags and those are the ones that never last. I knew in my heart from the moment I met my husband, he was the one....we met online and will be celebrating our 7th anniversary next month!!! Sometimes, it feels like a million years but I love this man more than I thought I ever could.

Most of you know I'm American, husband's and wives typically have joint accounts over there but here, everything is separate....this is mine and this is yours. It's really sad, I've never seen anything like it.

If you know in your heart, he is the one and this is it and you're both willing to work at being married, then I say do it and to be honest, I wouldn't want it back. Put it towards your retirement or just be happy in the fact that as newlyweds, you won't have financial issues to get in the way. Then get to the bottom of things and both of you agree to a budget and stick with it. Make a plan for fun things. We never buy anything without sharing with each other unless it's a gift, then I'm not allowed to look at our account. We set limits on what we spend on each other as well. We're not well off but we live within our means and have a very happy marriage.

Ok, sorry for the book, didn't meant to take over and this was just my heart to heart to you.

Have to say I agree with this poster - I'm Irish as is my husband (married 8yrs together 18yrs) and all our money is pooled, there is no 'owing' between us and any debts are joint. I found it quite strange over here with married couple friends who have his n' hers bank accounts. BUT having seen some of the posts on here and divorce rate being what it is, it can ultimately be a sensible, if sad, thing to do.
However, I don't see any problem with OP paying off her fiances debt and having them start off newly married life with no debt.

On the other hand, there is a reason why she did ask the question so maybe if she doesn't trust him not to get them both into debt again, she should maybe take over the family finances. It worked with my parents, dad was a spender and mum was a saver. They never had massive debt as long as mum had control! And dad was quite happy with this. Whatever works for your marriage.