A Little Advice on a difficult situation needed!

OneWingedAngel_2

Ok here goes, My mother married a violent man who cheated on her quite often when I was young she had a son by this man she sent me away at the age of 6 to live with my Nan and get out of the situation something I've always held against but we're now working through. When she finally left him she brought my little brother back with her to live with her. She then sent him back to scotland to live with his Dad as he was unhappy in the schools here and was being bullied for his accent. I was 11 at the time and he was 7. His Dad refused to let my Mum have contact with her son for a long time and instead of fighting she just gave up. 13 years down the line after not seeing or speaking to my brother I finally found him again thanks to Facebook and we're catching up my Mum also got in contact when I told her I had found him.

Here comes the issue.

My Brother is holding the fact that my Mum hasn't been there for those 13 years against her, He's obviously hurt by her abandoment of him as I was he doesn't want to know about her new husband or his little brother she's had since then but has taken great intrest in my life and my daughter. My Mum wants me to talk to him but I feel this is none of my buisness as its for them to work through but it is making me feel very awkward as I've just logged onto facebook to find my Brother had commented on my Mum's status of "Thank you Andrea for finding *my little brother* Love you both" With "You may love me but where have you been all of my life" I just don't know what to do I'm being treated for depression myself and have only recently started talking to my Mum again I don't want to lose either of them from my life again but I feel I'm stuck in the middle. I just need some advice on what you would do in this situation please. I'm sorry for the long post

Andrea

Pee

Making childish comments on Facebook doesn't sound like a great start... I wonder is he trying to get a reaction. Am I right in thinking that he is only 20?

I would try explaining to your Mum that it is natural that he is feeling like this and perhaps she should give him some time and space... although maybe that will also make him feel unwanted.

OneWingedAngel_2

He is 20 this year, they have spoken on the phone too and I really do feel bad for my Mum but at the same time I know how he feels I didn't grow up with her either instead I lived with my Nan and Grandad and watched her with her new family from a distance. I just feel stuck in the middle.

jackieglasgow

Oh that's difficult. Congrats on finding your brother.

As someone who has nothing to do with my parents, I would say that you need to set clear boundaries for your mother. You tell her you love her, but it's up to her to mend bridges with him and you will not be a go between. I have two sisters, and not once have either of them interfered in what's happened between me and my parents, and I really appreciate them for it.

To your brother I would say that you would like to move forward with the relationship, but you would rather that he did not put stuff like that on your page again, as it makes things difficult for you, and that you respect his boundaries, and will not push you mother, and that side of your family onto him. Also tell him that you have told your mother this.

Do not pass messages, refuse to discuss either of them with the other, and let them find their own relationship. Tell your mother that she has to give him time and space to decide if he wants to pursue a relationship with her, and that she needs to be prapered that he won't. Remind her that it's taken you a long time to sort things out, and that he was even younger than you when their relationship broke down.

Good luck.

fabforty

OneWingedAngel wrote: »

He is 20 this year, they have spoken on the phone too and I really do feel bad for my Mum but at the same time I know how he feels I didn't grow up with her either instead I lived with my Nan and Grandad and watched her with her new family from a distance. I just feel stuck in the middle.

I totally understand why your brother feels the way that he does. Have you spoken to your brother about what his life was like growing up with his father?

The reason that I ask this is because, I know that you think that you and brother had the same experience - i.e. growing up away from your mother, but there is a clear difference. Your mother sent you away to live with grandparents, because she wanted to get you away from a violent, unhealthy situation. However, she sent your brother to live with a man that she didn't want her daughter to live with, and that she clearly didn't want to live with herself. Not only did she send him to his father (who you yourself describe as a violent), but she then had no contact with your brother, so no way of knowing if he was okay. Put yourself in your brothers shoes for a moment. Imagine if your mother had said that she was leaving her husband because of his violence and cheating, she was sending your brother away because of her husbands violence and cheating, but that she was going to leave you with him or send you back to live with him and then (despite knowing what kind of man he was), have no real contact for many years so know way of looking out for you or protecting you.

And now that she has a happy settled life, she wants to carry on as if nothing has happened, instead of explaining why she abandoned him to an unhealthy life. Although she had no contact with you either, I assume that your grandparents did not have a history of violence.

It is possible that her husband had a major change of personality after his son returned to live with him, but I think that's unlikely, don't you?

I agree with a previous poster who said that you shouldn't pass messages. You should rebuild your relationship with your brother and let your mother do the same (if that is what they both want).
As for your mother, I think she has some explaining and apologising to do to your brother. She may be happy and settled now, but that will mean nothing to your brother, if his childhood was crap. The first thing that she will need to explain to him, is why, if her husband was so bad that she had to get you and herself away from him, did she then abandon her son to him?

I'm not having a go, your mother obviously had her reasons. I'm just trying to put another point of view.

fernliebee

I agree with other posters who have said about setting clear boundaries with both mum and brother that you would like to build separate relationships with both of them but refuse to get drawn in to passing messages etc.

I think it is a very natural reaction for your brother to have, especially as a young bloke, many are not encouraged to talk about emotions so hurt/ pain comes out as anger. He may have had a very tough life with the violent father of his. I also think it is natural for children to build absent parents up into something they are not, either into an idol or into a monster so there may be an element of surprise that she is not who he expected her to be, ultimately he doesn't really know her at all so it will be hard work for both of them.

I know you're mother had her reasons for sending him back to live with his dad but I don't think a child will ever fully understand those reasons, and who knows what the dad has told him too.

Ultimately though you need to protect your own emotions. You haven't had it easy and if you also have depression etc you really need to be clear that you cannot get involved with their relationship up's and downs.

Good luck as this is much easier said than done.

Errata

HTH - you can't walk in their shoes, and you will only be in the middle if you allow them to put you in the middle. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Best wishes.

melorablack

I think it is a fair question for him to ask her and has she tried explaining to him exactly why she left him?

I don't think it is acceptable for her to leave him with no contact etc for so many years, even if it wasn't her fault, and now expect him to just carry on like nothing happened. They need to talk to each other and understand why she did what she did and why he feels the way he does.

poorly_scammo

OP- This isn't your problem. I'd tell your mother that you're thrilled to be in communication with your brother, that you love them both, that you're ill (incidentally, if she knows you're ill then she definitely shouldn't be asking you to get involved) and that she needs to speak to him and if he won't then that's none of your business.

You might have to be firm with her but as other posters have said, you have to look after yourself and be your own best friend.

Kay_Peel

Both you and your half brother feel that your mother abandoned you. You lived with close blood relatives and watched from afar as your mother brought up a new family. Your half brother didn't even get that - he was far away and it must have seemed like he had been erased from her memory.

I think your mother has an awful lot of explaining to do - to both of you.

I would feel very resentful and ill-used if Mother wanted me to be a go-between. Is she so cowardly and guilty that she can't face her son herself? Has she ever expressed her sorrow at leaving you with relatives while she lived a new life?

I can't feel sorry for her at all but I feel very sorry for the two abandoned children.

milliebear00001

This is not your issue to deal with. ALL the running here needs to be made by your mother, who, from your description, comes across as a pretty poor parent. Your brother is angry at her abandonment of him, and is justified in this. You cannot explain your mother's reasons - she must. You cannot decide whether your brother should pursue the relationship - he must.