Buying together - what to do?

Katie-Kat-Kins

Sorry I should clarify I am not saying that you should not live together unmarried, I did, and I understand the reasons for doing it but I do think that it is important to be clear on where you stand at the outset.

Is it OPs intention to marry in the next couple of years? Is it their intention never to marry but to live as if married? Are they unsure whetehr this will be permanent and they both want to preserve their "walk away" position? Do they want to live together as two single people who happen to share a bed? Are they planning children?

Unless you have both discussed this sort of thing it is difficult to sort out a solution that suits you both. I couldn't give a toss whether people marry or not as long as they are both clear on what is happening and that they have the opportunity to protect themselves.

It is also important to understand the legalities of living together versus being married. Many people don't and that is when they find themselves in difficulty. Be under no illusions that there is no such thing as a common law wife and when couples live together unmarried and later split up there is almost always inequality and unfairness in the way assets are divided.

It is well worth getting proper legal advice and drawing up a contract or agreement if you do not intend to marry in the near future. It does not need to be expensive and can save a lot of heartache if you split up.

SandC

He is making things rather complicated if you ask me. He wants part ownership of something he doesn't own that neither of you are living in?

Tell him if he wants a deal like that then you should get married.

It's good that you are thrashing this out before buying together though. In fairness though it sounds like he's just got slightly cold feet that you will have a property of your own and he will only have a share in one - compared to how it is now where you have one each.

Angus88

We have discussed marriage but this has not been very high up in our priority list. I really want to start a family (due to my age) to which he has readily agreed and so, I was happy for the proposal to be put on the backburner. I know it seems strange and unromantic to argue about splitting arrangements when trying for a baby, but my sister is divorced with kids and after witnessing her troubles, I don’t want to be unprepared in case this does happen. He does have a slight fear of getting married!!

In fact, in our argument I said to him that he wants all the benefits of marriage (i.e. to split our assets 50/50) but without actually getting married!

He does earn more than me by £13kpa. I found out in my argument with him that his family thinks I’m being ultra tight because they think I should be contributing more than the 300. They think that if I was back living in my own flat, I’d be paying around 900 in outgoings (700 mortgage – I’m with Santander SVR of 4.24% need I say more?! plus the other bills) so they/him calculate that I’m profiting by 600 per month (900-300) hence I should be paying him more rent! We do divide all our other expenses by half, e.g. groceries, going out.
He pays around 550 in outgoings as his mortgage lower and a more reasonable SVR.
I will definitely seek legal advice but I’m just canvassing for some views. Many thanks for your comments, it has been enlightening and I will have a long hard think about how to go forward.

poppysarah

Rowing about money now?
Not a good sign. I would keep your finances strictly separate forever.

Richard_Webster

We have discussed marriage but this has not been very high up in our priority list. I really want to start a family (due to my age) to which he has readily agreed and so, I was happy for the proposal to be put on the backburner.

It gets worse - not only are you not able to agree about your finances - you want to start a family but don't want to get married. OK, some people manage to stay together for a long time without getting married - they are deeply committed to each other but have an objection in principle to going through a ceremony. They are a small minority - most people don't get married for two reasons:

1. they can't afford it - that's rubbish - the wedding industry wants you to spend thousands when it is totally unnecessary

2. one or other is unsure of the commitment. If unsure of commitment what are you doing considering having children? What sort of life for them if you split up?

Wouldn't you both be better splitting up now and each finding someone you could be committed to?

Katie-Kat-Kins

I'm really concerned about his attitude, he earns more than you, but expects you to contribute more than half of the joint living expenses..........

And he doesn't like the idea of marriage......

Run for the hills.

Seriously, you moving in with him shouldn't be about saving you money but about sharing your lives together. You shouldn't be paying him what you save, but half of what it is costing to live. I presume that the expenses of running your flat haven't disappeared..... is it in profit? If so that is part of your income (to bring you closer to his level of income) if not then you aren't saving by living with him.

Look at it the other way, by moving in with him you are saving him money - half of his bills, a percentage of his mortgage etc etc I bet you contribute to DIY and decoration too, and help clean the house and so on.

If he is this hung up about the financial detail and so tight that he isn't prepared to split things evenly i'd be questioning the whole basis of the relationship. I'd be especially concerned about putting yourself in a position where you will be financially dependant by having children with him!

Nixer

Richard_Webster wrote: »

It gets worse - not only are you not able to agree about your finances - you want to start a family but don't want to get married. OK, some people manage to stay together for a long time without getting married - they are deeply committed to each other but have an objection in principle to going through a ceremony. They are a small minority - most people don't get married for two reasons:

I am one of the "minority" who objects to marriage but not to commitment per se. But I don't really see what being married has to do with having kids unless you start trying to make (il)logical leaps e.g. kids need commitment, marriage = commitment and non marriage <> commitment therefore better for kids if marry before having them.

Marriage isn't some magic solution that means you won't split up later - I believe it's 1 in 3 marriages that doesn't last which seems quite a lot to me.

I can see why people might think this relationship isn't going to last (though we have a very limited view of one side of the story), but I can't see why the idea of having kids in general when you aren't married (and possibly never intend to marry) is still such a jaw dropper for some people in this day and age. Apologies if you just meant in this specific case Richard but it didn't come across that way.

flea72

Nixer wrote: »

Marriage isn't some magic solution that means you won't split up later - I believe it's 1 in 3 marriages that doesn't last which seems quite a lot to me

the odds on a cohabiting couple staying together more than 10yrs, are worse than 1 in 3, its more like 2/3 end in breakup (even for those that eventually went on to marry)

most cohabiting couples split within 2yrs of moving in together

F

squirrelchops

I am in a similar position OP but my OH owns another house he rents out and I have not paid anything towards the mortgage on the current house we live in as I was a student when we met and still am.

We have discussed what we will do and OH and I have agreed that as we plan to move anyway we will wait until then to do a 50/50 split. We have also discussed his other house and as far as I am concerend that is his house that he has paid everything towards so I would never expect to gain a penny from this if we split up.

I too am inheriting a house and likewise he doesn't want any money from the profit if I sell should we split up etc as it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

I know though that we will get all this tied up legally as saying one thing but then doing another is very common!!!!!!

G_M

I'm basically with Richard (above) on this, but if you're determined to live together and want a bigger place, do it but keep everything separate.

You have your 2 bed flat. It's rented, but it's your investment a) financially but b) as a bolt-hole if/when you split up. Keep it.

So he buys a new place to replace his 1 bed flat. It's his place. You live there together and, as now, you contribute rent at a market rate. Rent. Not contributions to mortgage.

If things work out, and we all hope the do, then down the line somewhere you get married, have kids, merge your finances and live happily ever after.

If not, you each have a property.