Both of us seeing the same councillor – right or wrong?

jackieglasgow

OP, I was thinking about you today when I was reading the post from the girl who's 12 year relationship has reached a crisis point, and thinking how her OH sounded a bit like you, questioning his feelings (not the dodgy confiding in another woman, although perhaps he doesn't have access to MSE like you!) Sorry, I digress.

Anyway, just wanted to say it's good to hear that you are both moving forward, and together at the moment. I hope everything works out for you both.

fabforty

Speaking as a counsellor, who specialises in family and couples counselling (how lucky is that?:D), although there are no hard and fast rules about this, it is not something that I would do and many of my fellow colleagues feel the same. There are several reasons;

Yes we are professionals, and confidentiality is the corner stone of our profession; however one of the reasons that cousnelling and other talking therapies works so well, is because clients know that the counsellor will be objective and impartial - unlike friends/family who know you. As a counsellor, my client is my priority and our sessions will be tailored to suit the needs of that client. In the situation that you describe, your counsellor will have three clients (you, your partner, you/partner as a couple), each with different needs. Whose needs come first? It is difficult to see how the counsellor can remain impartial. For example, imagine through counselling, either you or your partner resolve your own personal issues and realise that the relationship is not right for you, while the other decides that they really want things to work out. There is a clear conflict of interest here, not just between you as individuals but also in your respetive roles as individuals and as one half of a couple - i.e. how can I help both of you to improve your relationship (in a couples counselling session) one day, and the next day (in your individual session) help you to find the courage to walk away from the relationship, and then the following day listen while your partner (in her counselling session) tells me that she has a history of self harming when she feels rejected?

As I mentioned earlier confidentiality is essential, as well as the ability to speak openly and honestly. I believe that knowing that your partner knows/confides in your counsellor, may make clients wary about how much they reveal.

It also means that rather than working through your respective issues at your own pace, you have another two agendas to consider and to keep pace with, i.e. your partners' and then yours' together as a couple.

Having said that, before I start working with a couple together, I do have one session with each of them individually for reasons that I will now explain and which also bring me to my final point. Relationship problems are rarely (solely) about the relationship itself. I need to be sure that there are no other underlying issues and that if there are, that these issues are being addressed - e.g. through individual counselling first.

I would ask you and your partner to consider whether couples counselling, at this point in time, is necessary and/or appropriate. You mentioned that your partner has family/past issues which need to be worked through. You also had general relationship issues which you need to work through. If you and your partner had approached me, my advice would have been for you to undego counselling as individuals with separate counsellors, working through your own issues. Once you had both made some degree of progress, I would then see you as a couple - assuming it was still necessary. The issues in your relationship with your partner, may be the problem or they might just be symptoms of the real problem(s). You might be trying to tackle too many things at once.

Just a few things to think about and for you to discuss with your partner - but good luck whatever you decide to do.

System

I had the general impression that most counsellors won't do this. One couple i know who both have sever MH problems see different doctors purely because it doesn't suit right for them to see the same one.

bestpud

I can't see how it would work tbh.

Surely you want your counsellor to focus on you, and your issues.

I find it odd when you say having built up a picture of you will help with your OH's discussions with her - that's not how it should be at all!!

I would hate that! It should be about your OH and what she brings to the sessions and I cannot see how the counsellor won't be influenced by the things she already knows.

I'd also be concerned if I felt my counsellor was agreeing to something because I was paying her! Do you trust her to do what is right for you - for both of you?

If you really feel that to be true then I think your OH would be better off going elsewhere.

The last point I thought about was what may come up when you eventually get together for a joint session...? You may individually bring up issues you'd rather keep to yourself and if that happens, how can either of you be sure the counsellor won't get mixed up and mention something she shouldn't? That would be a very difficult situation for the counsellor imo, even if she did manage to maintain confidentiality for each of you.

This needs more thought imo.

a-non-y-mous

Thanks all, I'm still not 100% what is the right answer. The original idea was that I saw a counsellor about my commitment issues and then we would see a counsellor together once I was heading in the right direction.

I am now feeling at that stage and the g/f went for her initial session (just as you said fabforty) but she has now decided she wants counselling as well - the last month has been hard on her and I know she has some 'issues' so I am all for her getting some counselling (has really helped me to understand and be comfortable with myself.)

I agree with you fabforty that ideally g/f would have some 'sessions' before we did anything as a couple - I was not expecting this!

I will chat to her over the weekend (she is moving back in after a month apart) - ideally I think she should see a different councillor and we should put the couple stuff on hold for a few weeks.

Edit:

We were going to see the lady I had been speaking to for our couple counselling- fabforty, is also unusual? Not recommended? She has been very good for me and has said she will recommend others if I want for our couple counselling.