hubby and csa

poppyscorner

Hi all,

Just thought I would post for some advice on this rather emotive issue my husband was married before he met me and has a daughter with his ex wife.

We have a son together and another on the way (only 6 wks pg though) hubby has been paying his wife maintenance on a voluntary basis since I met him we have been together 5 years the problem is his ex wife uses the CSA as some kind of threat to us and if she doesn't get her own way she threatens to go to them we are reluctant to do so because A) We don't think they are very effective in what they do we are concerned about the delay in payments affecting his little girl.

His ex wife seems to think we are trying to do her out of money when that is simply not the case.

We did think that she had a good deal but obviously she does not.

As it stands what happens is my hubby and I both work I am the main earner in our household as I am the best qualified.

My hubby is self employed as a roofer the business is in early days (it started up about a year ago) it is not doing that well we live in an area where yellow pages has different catchment areas locally first area book comes out in july we missed that last year and the second one they cocked it up and stuck their business advert in a completely different area (they apologised and did not charge for it but damage was done by then) we believe this is why it is not going so well as it can't be anything else so at present his average earnings are around £100 per week after tax and NI.

I realise this means that she is entitled to £5 a week which considering we have a young son we know this is a joke however we don't give £5 a week instead because his work is not guaranteed when he has worked we go onto the CSA and put in his earnings for that week and give whatever it says which is usually about £30 she would get this at least 2x a month plus contribution for school uniforms new shoes clothes whatever she needs the money is there as we couldn't bear to see his daughter to go without.

We would love to take his daughter on holiday with us too but the mother refuses she is a control freak and won't let my hubby see her for more than 5/6 hrs a week she has told the child she has to refer to her new partner as daddy and that if she refers to me as mummy she is in deep trouble consequently the child is very confused she constantly slags me and my hubby off to the little girl asking us to justify our finances to her at every opportunity.

Once her partner walked out of his job and was looking for a new job he does the same job as me and we were seeking staff at the time so I gave him the details of the employment and potential earnings her response well if Amanda (me) earns that much she could give me some of her wages couldn't she.
Absolutely not was my answer I am working as I have no choice and I work to support my family I don't earn a great deal (£950) pcm but I do go out to work so have to pay for some childcare and still paying off her marital debts.

My hubby and I never say anything to his daughter about her mum never slag her off or make comment and support her decisions despite the fact that I could rip her head off at times.

What does everyone think we should do should we let her just get on with it or should we try and discourage the csa use my concern is her feeling like she is in control but at present she is insisting that £2 a week regular would be better than hitty missy payments.

Any advice is greatly appreciated I know this is an emotive issue for both sides.

We have also touched on two seperate issues i.e the maintainance and the access.

Thanks for listening sorry for the long post.

Amanda x

Almost forgot to add she doesn't work she gave it up a few years ago and never went back.

bikerqueen

!!!!!! it. go through csa, remove her power, and pay the extra into a fund so when she needs uniform, school trips etc it's there.

elantan

i know this may sound harsh..but i agree with bikerqueen..i know of atleast 6 men who did it your way...then finally the c.s.a caught up with them and as far as they are concerned (c.s.a) the fathers didn't pay a penny(no proof just her word against his) so they now have to pay back money..one friend in particular has got thousands to pay in back money ..and she is still demanding her money on top of it...i feel total sympathy for my friend who has to pay money for kids that aint hers (he has so much debt she pays his c.s.a)..and yet on the other hand i have a friend who get's £20 a fortnight for 2 kids...doesn't even keep them in shoes..but unless you have proof you give her money ...cover your back

hobo28

I agree with that. From the sounds of things, you have both bent over backwards. She's being controlling and nothing you give is likely to be enough. If your hubby earned a grand a week and gave her that, she'd probably ask for more!

Call her bluff but at the same time remind her that if she does (and it is her right), obviously you'll both stop paying her any maintenance until the CSA calculate what the "correct" amount should be and given your hubby is self-employed, it could take a while whilst he sorts through his "accounts".

Be careful tho cos from the sounds of things, she's the type of person who will then stop contact just to show her power over you.

Emmzi

Sometimes it depends on your personality. I like everything regular and organised. It would drive me NUTS getting random amounts of money, even if it *was* more! I'd stick to the agreement.

How old / trustworthy is daughter? Could he give extra money *to* her, to give to mum, saying 'this is for scholl uniform, give it to mum' etc? Might help change perception.

Kimberley

Emmzi wrote:

How old / trustworthy is daughter? Could he give extra money *to* her, to give to mum, saying 'this is for scholl uniform, give it to mum' etc? Might help change perception.

No you can't do that, thats involving the little girl :eek:

If the mother is not working, is she claiming IS or TC? If she is on IS then if the CSA is involved she won't see the money, it will go to the government, so point that out to her.

Also tell the mother that any amount of money being big or small is better then nothing and she could end up with less then she's getting now. She should think of her daughter more then the money.

little_miss_thrifty

Hi Poppy, your thread was just like reading a mirror image of our situation! We've had this on and off for 9 years. The ex is all sweetness and light when she's getting her own way - she's obvioulsy not happy in her own life, perhaps jealous of you and your hubby so wants to control as much as she can...i agree, therefore, with bikerqueen and the others. Call her bluff. The csa can't touch the wages you earn (because you will get processed under the new assessment) so you will probably end up being asked to pay £5 per week. If you want to pay for other items for your stepdaughter, why not buy the shoes, clothes etc she needs, rather than giving the cash.
Good luck x

Spendless

I agree with the others and think you need to go thru the CSA. MY neighbours husband started giving money to his daughters (from his 1st marriage) directly. When the CSA became involved they would not include this money as being maintainance. .

Lady_S

would agree with all of the above. If your hubby can prove his earnings, let her take you to the CSA. They are a pain in the !!!!!!, but its not hard to deal with really.

Kimberley

Spendless wrote:

I agree with the others and think you need to go thru the CSA. MY neighbours husband started giving money to his daughters (from his 1st marriage) directly. When the CSA became involved they would not include this money as being maintainance. .

Yep, buy her clothes instead, the mother cannot argue with that. If it goes in her hands you can't guarantee it goes to the girl.

Spendless

Kimberley wrote:

Yep, buy her clothes instead, the mother cannot argue with that. If it goes in her hands you can't guarantee it goes to the girl.

No that wasn't what I meant, it was early did I type it all wrong .

My neighbours 1st wife was saying that money you give me for the girls I spend it on having my hair/nails done etc (to wind him up IMO). So he gave it directly to the teenage girls instead of their mum. 1st wife complains to CSA they say how much he has to pay plus backpay and DO NOT include that he has already paid so much to the girls eg he has to pay that amount again to ex wife.