Mums having a nervous breakdown, what would you do?

Greener_Grass

Hello all

I have found out today my mum is having a nervous breakdown, She is single and hasn't been married since my dad, over 25 years ago. She has no family apart from myself and my brother (half) who is 19 but was knocked down as a child and suffered brain damage so is more of a hinderance than a help. My grandpa died in late 2008 and last week she was finalising his estate so this seems to be what has triggered this all off!

He is living with her again after living in the homeless hostel. She has chucked him out and taken him back 3 times now. She has also taken in his friend who was living in the homeless hostel too (an obvious sign to me things weren't right)

She has suffered at least 5 or more nervous breakdowns in the last 20 years, A few when i was growing up and I have always found them impossible, When she is ill nothing I say is right and she does not see there is anything wrong with her.

I have spoken to her tonight after not speaking to her since new year (thats another story) and it was very obvious to me so is very ill, She was talking to me like i'm her enemy and after about 10 mins said she was hanging up as I was upsetting her too much.

The question is what can I do? I live at the opposite end of the country from her and have a baby so I cannot drop my life and run up to her to help, and I wouldn't even know where to start as I am in no way a specialist in this area.

I feel completly responsible for her as she only has me and I would hate to see her life go down the drain because she is ill. She has a lovely house with a mortgage and a good job and I don't want to see her loose these, She has been off work today apparently with a sore throat but i don't know how long she has been off because she would not tell me anything and my brothers answer to anything you ask him is "dunno"

Any advice welcome, I am feeling so stressed out by the situation, I want to help but don't know how. The previous couple of times she has been ill she has not been admitted to hospital as she puts a very good act on to doctors etc and they always think she is fine.

Help

feclmum

why dont you try phoning her gp and explaining the situation? they may be able to offer you some advice

savingmummy

So sorry to hear this.
It sounds as if she has been through some tough years which has not dragged her right down.
How do you know she is having a breakdown? is she just depressed?
If she was having a breakdown i dont think she would be working tbh and she would be being helped medically.
She is going to need a lot of support and may even need to be hospitalised or put in a unit if she is really bad.

Is there anyone to care/look for her? make sure she is getting support?
I am not sure what you can do as you are so far from her but you need to find out exactly what is going on and take it from there.
Maybe contact her gp surgery and explain the situation they may beable to help or advise on where to get support.

belfastgirl23

is there anyone you could share this worry with? Does she have any friends or relatives in the local area apart from your brother of course. Or anyone she's friendly with at work? Even a neighbour? You clearly aren't the right person to deal with this for a number of reasons and you need to see if you can get some help. Partly to put your own mind at rest too. I know it might feel like telling tales or whatever but needs must and I don't think you really have any choice at this point.

It's horrible for you though, you really have my sympathies.

tandraig

I would certainly contact the gp - explain you arent phoning to get any information which would be confidential, but you are concerned about your mum due to her past medical history and feel she may need help- extreme tact is needed here hun, as he is on a sticky wicket due to patient confidentiality. if he seems approachable, then ask his advice!
otherwise i believe there is a website concerning vulnerable adults - and your mum and bro would come into this category. in my area its called POVA (protection of vulnerable adults) but i live in wales so there may be a different name or scheme in other parts of the country.

Greener_Grass

The problems is I don't know who her gp is or what surgery it is. She said she is going to the doctors tommorrow so I can only hope he will be able to recognise she is not well.

I know she is ill as I have been there before when she has been ill and I can tell straight away as soon as she said about 3 words, It is very hard to explain to people who have not experienced mentally ill people first hand how I know but i just do, A million reasons, There is no doubt in my mind she is ill

It isn't quite as simple to think if she was ill she was getting help, she spends large amounts of time in her house and to outsiders who don't know her she may just seem like a bit weird type of person, I don't think it is obvious to people who don't know the signs or how she normally is that she is ill.

thank you for all the replies, I am hoping she is going to get some help from her GP tommorrow and hoping I can somehow find out how things are through my brother as I know she will not speak to me again

paddy's_mum

I'm pretty sure that normally you have to go to the surgery that covers your geographical area - so she wouldn't be going to one 9 or 10 miles away.

What about putting her postcode into google and seeing how many surgeries are nearby, giving them all a call in the morning and tracking down the GP that way.

I can't conceive that a practice would refuse to hear if you give them some idea what it is you so need to tell them, even if data protection means that they can't say yes or no as to whether she is a patient. Good luck - it's always a worry when you're far away and can't just nip round the corner to check for yourself.

savingmummy

My older sister has bipolar so i know what you mean by just knowing something is wrong.

Is there any chance you can pay a visit to see her?

Greener_Grass

I can't really go to visit as it is so far away, complete opposite ends of the country and I have a child to look after so cannot just leave, nor would I like to take him with me into that situation.

To be honest I'm not really sure what I could do if i were to visit or even if she would let me in. I feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing and the thought of being there while she is like that does not appeal to me as selfish as it may sound

BitterAndTwisted

Despite your relationship being strained at the moment what I would do is phone her every single day. Tell her you are worried about her. She's had these episodes before so explain to her you can tell when she's not feeling 100%. Eventually she might start listening and if she doesn't at least she will understand how concerned you are about her welfare. There's nothing worse than not being your normal self and thinking other people don't understand or care.

keys_2

Sorry to hear about your mum and your situation . As stated off other posts you can only see doctors in your close area . So most Gps surgeries ask for postcode , name , dob when yopu ring for an appointment . I know this is a bit naughty but you could ring them pretending you are your mum and wish to make an appointment { get what I mean } That way they will tell you you are not on the system , from this you can find out which surgery she is registered with and ask to see the doctor you saw last { you should then be given the doctors name I guess } Then hang up , and later ring up and ask to speak to that particular doctor at at time that is conveniant for him / her to speak .
Then you could explain to the doctor your thoughts and get some advise on the matter , and if this is done early enough you may have spoke to him before your mum sees him on her appointment .
Also as said earlier I think ringing your mum everyday would be very helpful for her to know you care, as your consistency may make her realise you have her best intrests at heart . Without forgetting people with depression often get angry easily so I wouldnt take it personally if she does be akward with you and just try your best to contact her everyday .
I hope you get some good advise and your mind is put at ease soon...Hugs :A