Do you ever feel 'small' when comparing your job to your partners?

helena4_2

Hi

I frequently feel 'small' when my partner comments about me going for a better position in my company at the moment im happy money wise and the hours etc it really doesnt bother me if I stay here another 10 years in a clerical position.

I while back an opportunity came up for trainee manager and I was asked by a manager within my firm if I would like to go further in the company because I have been there a while ? anyway I repeat the conversation to my partner and he kept asking for 2 weeks or so if I was going for it.. I said im happy where I am, I dont ever want to be a manager its just not me!

All his family are highly educated as is he, I feel before he introduces me he needs to tel them how wonderful I am, the fact im kind and nice to him is that not enough? he is a manager himself.

Im not a snob, but sometimes I feel he wants to show me off to his friends who still dont know about me...

kindofagilr

I don't feel small, but if my OH did that then I might if that makes sense?

Have you told him you are content in the position you are in?

Sometimes the time isn't right for you to move on, like I want to be a manager at work, but we have just started a family and I want to concentrate on that first, I am only 28 so I have time yet (I have worked where I work for 12 years already)

My OH has asked if I will go for promotion when it comes, and I just told him when time is right.

MERFE

My OH has had his moments. We got together when I was at university so I think he had big hopes for things I would do but I dont like rejection so I went to work in call centres where it was easy to get a job. I have never applied for anything related to my uni studies (biological sciences) even though I'm interested in many things and even managed some work experience at a pharmaceutical company. I was a SAHM for a while but decided I needed to get back to work and wanted something to fit in with childcare and still being able to be a mum too, so I got a job doing evening checkouts at Asda and OH was embarrassed to tell people this. Although I had a moment where I had meet up with a bunch of mums and they were talking about what they did and someone said well its better than working at asda, then they asked what I did - god did I feel small. Even though it is a great job, the other staff are lovely, there is no stress, you do your bit and go home and there are loads of benefits like 10% off. A job came up in the asda pharmacy so I applied and got it, still doing evenings and I get training. OH is glad I'm doing something that I can make a bit more of a career out of and my confidence has shot up.

However it was my decision to apply for it, if I hadnt been ready I would not have. I think so long as you are contributing and happy with what you are doing then it doesnt really matter.

belfastgirl23

Well there are two different ways of looking at this. The first one is that maybe he is just supporting you to move on. It would be a lot worse if he was the one saying that you weren't capable or couldn't be a manager. He believes in you. That shouldn't be a problem.

The second issue though is sort of more complicated. It can be an issue if one person in a relationship expects the other to carry a lot more of the financial burden of the family. I'm not saying it's always a bad thing but it's something that should be agreed and discussed rather than presumed. Maybe he's feeling under pressure to be the main earner and he's worried about that - particularly in these redundancy-prone times maybe he wants your earning power to be greater? I do know when DH decided to go self employed we did have to talk seriously about surviving on just my wage if it all went wrong. Maybe this is a talk you need to have.

It does sound to me that you haven't talked about these issues with each other. Do you have a picture of your life together over the next five years? The next ten? What will happen if you have kids? Maybe you need a visioning exercise where you come to an agreement about what it is you see the future being...

On a personal note though I do find it kind of strange that you don't want to progress. That's probably about me and who I am but I do think you should think hard about whether you're perhaps letting fear make a decision for you...

Nixer

No - cos I am more senior than he is and earn more than he does, but it's purely because I am more pushy than he is, rather than more skilled.

But the point is you need to talk to him about it if you feel he is pushing you and are unhappy at that. It could be that he feels you are capable of doing a more senior job and getting more pay and is frustrated at seeing you where you are. And yes, if he earns a lot more than you he may feel under pressure. I do at times.

Nixer

I should add - I'm not a manager (not of people anyway, manage a few software systems) and I can fully see why someone wouldn't want to manage people as it is extremely hard to get right. I temped for several years and so must have worked for between 50 and 100 different companies. Number of people who have managed me who were any good at it? Two.

helena4_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Well there are two different ways of looking at this. The first one is that maybe he is just supporting you to move on. It would be a lot worse if he was the one saying that you weren't capable or couldn't be a manager. He believes in you. That shouldn't be a problem.

The second issue though is sort of more complicated. It can be an issue if one person in a relationship expects the other to carry a lot more of the financial burden of the family. I'm not saying it's always a bad thing but it's something that should be agreed and discussed rather than presumed. Maybe he's feeling under pressure to be the main earner and he's worried about that - particularly in these redundancy-prone times maybe he wants your earning power to be greater? I do know when DH decided to go self employed we did have to talk seriously about surviving on just my wage if it all went wrong. Maybe this is a talk you need to have.

It does sound to me that you haven't talked about these issues with each other. Do you have a picture of your life together over the next five years? The next ten? What will happen if you have kids? Maybe you need a visioning exercise where you come to an agreement about what it is you see the future being...

On a personal note though I do find it kind of strange that you don't want to progress. That's probably about me and who I am but I do think you should think hard about whether you're perhaps letting fear make a decision for you...

The thing is im happy where I am I dont feel its a case of not progressing not all of us can be managers.

He knows I want to settle and have kids and that im not into material wealth or being in highly paid job, he knew what I did before we got together.

I have said all this to him in the past so its up to him whether he thinks im 'enough' I have asked him in the past if he is ok with what I do cos I had a strong feeling he was uneasy his reply was happy what ever I did, but deep down I know he may not be.

SugarSpun

MERFE wrote: »

I got a job doing evening checkouts at Asda and OH was embarrassed to tell people this. Although I had a moment where I had meet up with a bunch of mums and they were talking about what they did and someone said well its better than working at asda, then they asked what I did - god did I feel small.

I bet she felt smaller than you did

My job is highly specialised and I've spent a lot of time and money training to do it. My husband's job is also specialised, but less so, and he spent far less time in university to earn twice what I do. He's insanely proud of me despite my proportionally miserable salary, because I do a job I trained for ten years for, do it excellently well, and am very happy doing it.

I think we all have ideas about how our partners would like us to be, and worry that we're not good enough. But these are people who love us and want the best for us, and know the people we are outside our jobs. They don't love the job description on our CVs and it's easy to forget that when thinking about how our partners see us.

Having said that, is it possible thathe might be asking about it thinking that it's something you want (because you brought it up, so you might have been fishing for his input), but you're taking his asking about it as him thinking you should have applied, and then worrying that he'll think less of you for not?

helena4_2

SugarSpun wrote: »

I bet she felt smaller than you did

My job is highly specialised and I've spent a lot of time and money training to do it. My husband's job is also specialised, but less so, and he spent far less time in university to earn twice what I do. He's insanely proud of me despite my proportionally miserable salary, because I do a job I trained for ten years for, do it excellently well, and am very happy doing it.

I think we all have ideas about how our partners would like us to be, and worry that we're not good enough. But these are people who love us and want the best for us, and know the people we are outside our jobs. They don't love the job description on our CVs and it's easy to forget that when thinking about how our partners see us.

Having said that, is it possible thathe might be asking about it thinking that it's something you want (because you brought it up, so you might have been fishing for his input), but you're taking his asking about it as him thinking you should have applied, and then worrying that he'll think less of you for not?

Yes I guess I brought it up because I wanted him to think more of me if that makes sense not because I wnated him to encourage me to go for it

SugarSpun

If he's your partner and he loves you then he shouldn't need to think any more highly of you.

Managing people isn't for everyone, and if you're happy where you are and wouldn't be happy as a manager then he can simply be happy that you're happy.

determined_new_ms

I don't feel small as I am in a higher position than my OH and earn considerably more than he does. Similar to Nixer I think its because I have been a lot more driven and ambitious than my OH, although I do think I have more confidence in my professional abilities than he does - we often have discussions where he seen a job he's interested in and then thinks he doesn't have the experience so he doesn't go for it. I on the otherhand try my luck.

However I have been promoted roughly every year and also a position higher and it comes with a heavy price. I get well paid comparitively in the area I live in, but a lot of responsibility comes with it and at times I feel under pressure at work and spend time thinking about it outside. I'm now re-evaluated what I want from my life and am thinking about finding another job with less hours, less responsibility and very likely less money. Being well paid can be a trap! Management is not all it is made out to be! The job's a dodle but the ppl make it hard. I think now that happiness comes from other parts of your life, amibition can be realised in other ways than through work.

Talk to your OH and stick to your guns, you only have one life why spend a huge percentage of your waking life doing something than doesn't make you happy?