How to tell parents moving in with boyfriend! (not moneysaving, just lifesaving :x)

MercilessKiller

Hi there.. Feels like Im spamming the forum a bit, but obviously I'm quite anxious/excited as, as you've seen in my other post, my girlfriends moving in with me in september.

My parents are fine with it, but her parents might not be. She was going to go to uni, then decided not to, then decided she'd live with me. All her decisions, her parents prob won't see it that way. Uni is about 2 hours away from where she currently lives.

She's away at the moment for the summer (:() but when she gets back, we're going to need to tell her parents. Now, I am absolutely cr*pping myself as I have to be there to support her at the time obv, but I'm very worried about if her mum starts blaming me or getting mad etc.. her mum and dad are usually very laid back, they wont care about her not going to uni, but moving in with me might be a diff story.

Any strong advice?

victoriajayne1987

ah i c, tis a tricky one, u dnt mention how old u both r, but i guess its hard at any time! i pressume as u said she was going to go to uni she is 18 at least, so she can do as she please when she pleases! her parents have no rights to hold her there or anything. tell ur gf that she must not back down. sit dwn with her parents and explain that you both love each other very much, and want to b there to protect each other at all times. explain its not cutting them out, but its about growing up and gaining independence. also say ull both visit every sunday for lunch or sumat! and u need to say how much u love her and everything. if theyre normally laid back they shldnt freak out about this too much really.

msg bk if u like

vix

MercilessKiller

Thats some good advice Vix, thank you

We'll be both 19. I'm starting my second year at uni, she took a gap year but then decided not to go to uni at all now and moving in with me instead. She will get her tennis caoching license though and a full time job so she aint just slacking off !!!

anyway ye, will take that advice seriously thank you

talksalot81

You do need to be careful about it though, if her parents are really against it, the pair of you standing up against them will set you in a bad position. First of she may lose their financial support (which is rather a big deal if she is used to living in any form of luxury) and secondly it may open up a rift between her and them. This may seem no more than an annoyance to you, but that then means she has to choose you or them.... something she could easily end up despising you for down the line!

elona

I think the way that her parents might see it is that you are doing a second year at uni but not supporting or encouraging her to go to uni at all!

A lot depends whether they are sure her not wanting uni is really her idea or if they think that you are stopping her grow as a person.

heymylastnameislewis

are you married? in the eyes of god u r commiting a sin other wise! just something to think about!

MercilessKiller

elona wrote:

I think the way that her parents might see it is that you are doing a second year at uni but not supporting or encouraging her to go to uni at all!

A lot depends whether they are sure her not wanting uni is really her idea or if they think that you are stopping her grow as a person.

I am in complete agreeance. That is my main worry, whether they will blame me or not!

It was her decision and her decision only, and she'll tell her parents that. Whether they'll believe it is a different decision.

heymylastnameislewis: no offence, but shh pls.. this is a serious post.

Alikay

A while ago our daughter seemed to be making a few choices that simply enabled her to not be separated from her BF, and yes, we DID resent it. After all, it seemed that he was making his descisions based on what HE wanted and she was just fitting in coz she couldn'y bear to be apart from him.
So even though the choice is your girlfriends, her parents will possibly blame you -coz if you weren't there she might go to uni herself, or stay home and get a job.
Erm..what sacrifices, or compromises are you making in this? I'm not saying you necessarily should be, but they will worry that she is making more of a commitment and investing more in the relationship than you are.
If you intend staying with her forever then let them know that. Or are you going to get engaged? If there's no such commitment on your part, then they will be worrying about what will happen if you break up and she's moved away from home, not gone to uni and left with nothing.
If you are setting up home together with the intention that it's permanent, and making an independant life for yourselves in a new town, then just make sure they know its a well-thought-through decision. And let them know that you will support and encourage her with her career in fitness.
Incidently, our daughter split with her BF and surprise surprise! suddenly became interested in uni and a decent career. Don't want to appear cynical, but girls of that age are often in-love-with-love and can sometimes expect their relationship to fulfil all their needs -can you cope with that expectation?
Good luck:D

MercilessKiller

Alikay wrote:

A while ago our daughter seemed to be making a few choices that simply enabled her to not be separated from her BF, and yes, we DID resent it. After all, it seemed that he was making his descisions based on what HE wanted and she was just fitting in coz she couldn'y bear to be apart from him.
So even though the choice is your girlfriends, her parents will possibly blame you -coz if you weren't there she might go to uni herself, or stay home and get a job.
Erm..what sacrifices, or compromises are you making in this? I'm not saying you necessarily should be, but they will worry that she is making more of a commitment and investing more in the relationship than you are.
If you intend staying with her forever then let them know that. Or are you going to get engaged? If there's no such commitment on your part, then they will be worrying about what will happen if you break up and she's moved away from home, not gone to uni and left with nothing.
If you are setting up home together with the intention that it's permanent, and making an independant life for yourselves in a new town, then just make sure they know its a well-thought-through decision. And let them know that you will support and encourage her with her career in fitness.
Incidently, our daughter split with her BF and surprise surprise! suddenly became interested in uni and a decent career. Don't want to appear cynical, but girls of that age are often in-love-with-love and can sometimes expect their relationship to fulfil all their needs -can you cope with that expectation?
Good luck:D

Thanks for that

Suzzi (the girly) decided not to go to uni before she really met me. She had alraedy been accpeted but she had no intention of going really as even though she got very good grades at her A levels, she HATED education and would rather get a full time job and her tennis license. Wish she told her parents this earlier:p

As for my commitments... Thats a good point actually. She's moving in to my student house for next year. Its only temp for about 9 months before I do a 1 year work placement (which she'll follow me with) so its not a permanant home, thus very easy to move out of if there was a mass split (worst scneario anyway..)

Thing is we're not like that and we cant see a split happening. Engagement and stuff has been something we've discussed lightly. We've only been seeing each other for a short time compared to couples who get engaged.. and shes already mentioned subtly her ideal age is 21 for engagement, 22 for the marriage. I plan to write tthat down or remember it so I can pull out a very big surprise! (saw in the paper some guy who engraved "will you marry me <name>" into some crops with a heart and took her on a low plane ride over it.. very romantic heh..)

if i tell her parents I want to be with her forever it may seem very "kiddy" as, as i said, we haven't been together for a very long time yet. Saying this I've been in a few long term relationships (one of 2 years) and this one is just a LOT more comfortable, we were sleeping in the same bed without anxiousness/worry or watever after a couple of weeks!

Back to my sacrifices.. well, I've already agreed to be taking her to work and back every day, cleaning the house (which i woudlnt do without her there lol!) and generally be a very caring guy around the house while studying etc... Also promisoed her to take her to her parents whenever shes missing them/wants to see them etc, so though I'm not giving anything up when she comes, I'll be changing my entire lifestyle.

So is it best I'm there when she tells them the news? OR i join half way through? And what exact words would be good! Its going to be scary..

Alikay

I'd get her to do the 'prep' on her own e.g. we've been thinking about.... I like Leeds/Reading/wherever and there are good opportunities for work ..etc. Then tell them together, her telling and you both answering the inevitable questions together.
If you think saying you want to be together forever is a bit childish though, be prepared that they may think moving in together with no such plans is incredibly casual. Us parents can be completely obsessive about our teenagers wellbeing (much to their disgust!), and will not want her to get hurt. They will want to be reassured that her career prospects and emotional state will not be jeopardised by this move.
Make sure they know that it's only your accommodation that's temporary and not your feelings. If you get on well together and are comfortable with each other,both alone and in company, then they'll have noticed that and it'll help a lot.

MercilessKiller

Right, thanks for that. Really helps its going to be hard. I'm more worried about how upset her mum might make my girlfriend, rather than her parents reactions itself. Suzzi promised me that even though she may get upset about her parents etc, she wants nothing more than to come to me..

From a selfish point of a view, she's an amazing girl and I can't wait. And I must admit, I'm pretty glad she absolutely hates uni Would have made things harder if she went!

My mum was concerned also at first.. Maybe parents speaking to parents could help as well? Not sure..

Thanks though